In The Morning I'll Be Better// newtmas

19

Newt's POV:
(Warning: words some people might find offensive)

As soon as I hear those words leave Thomas' mouth, I know he's lost all hope and my heart aches that it's come to that. Ratman is still standing over him, the cane shaking after its last strike. I can't believe one man is capable of that kind of torture. I can't believe he just beat Thomas without a care about the law. I can't believe I just sat there the whole time unable to help because my head hurts like a bitch and I'm too scared to intervene. Thomas suffered and I did nothing to help him.

Ratman turns to face me, an evil twitch of a smile pulling on his lips.

"It seems Thomas has finally realised his faults. What about you, Newton? Have you had ample time to think about your behaviour? Has Thomas shown himself as enough of an example?"

I glance over at Thomas, still curled on the ground, his back pressed against the wall. His face is covered in blood, definitely worse than me and I know why he gave into Ratman's persistence. If he hadn't then he may no longer be conscious. I hope he only said those words to make Ratman stop and that he doesn't actually believe them.

"Tommy?"

He doesn't say anything. Worry eats at my stomach.

"Tommy, please talk to me."

Ratman grabs my arm and yanks me away but I see Thomas look up at me before I can no longer see him. He looks in agony.

"What are the words, Newton? What do you have to say if you want to leave here in a better state than Thomas."

I don't want to give in. If Thomas held strong for so long then I should but the memory of the cane striking my face with enough force to create a bloody laceration sends my heart pounding. I don't want to be hit again. Yet, Thomas' petrified face keeps me strong. I look dead into Ratman's eyes and shake my head, refusing to say his disgusting words.

"Oh, Newton. I've never liked you very much but this almost breaks my heart."

The cane hits my cheek. 

I cower away from Ratman as tears fill my eyes and I want to scream for him to stop but my pride prevents me from doing so. I realise I'm not like Thomas when it comes to staying resolute. I'd much rather find an alternative to this situation than stay strong and be beaten for it. Despite trying, only one way comes to mind and I feel sick that there are no other options. My only hope is that Ratman will believe my words even when I don't.

Janson raises the bamboo cane once again and I throw my hands up to protect my face.

"Wait! Stop!" I shout before I can be struck again. My hands shake as I look at Janson through the gaps between my fingers. I used to find this man ridiculous but now he scares me more than my fear of going insane does. 

"Yes, Newton?"

I don't drop my hands from my face but advert my eyes to the ground, where I don't have to look at the man's haunting features. I never thought I'd see the day where I swung so low as to say these words.

"I-I must not love boys. Sodomy is sinful. Loving Thomas is wrong."

I don't look up to see Ratman's reaction, partly because I don't want to look at him and partly because I'm about to cry. I also don't want to look at Thomas as my words left a bitter taste in my mouth so I don't know how they affected him. 

"Oh, my, my. See how a little brute force can reveal to you how wrong your actions are. Repenting is truly a beautiful part of my job."

I grind my teeth together, trying to stop myself from snatching the cane from his hands and beating him, showing him how easy it is to bend to pressure when pain is inflicted. One day I'd show him. For now, I'll settle for silence and submission, praying that Ratman is satisfied with what he's inflicted on us. 

"Now," Ratman claps his hands together, "I think it's prudent that we ended this here as I have a meeting in about..." he lifts his wrist and checks his watch, "ten minutes. So you may leave."

I'm too scared to move as it seems too simple an ending to such a horrible hour of my life. This doesn't shout Ratman at all. As if he's read my mind, Janson suddenly turns on me again after facing Thomas, glaring.

"I may have forgotten to mention that you must not say anything about what has happened in here. This is strictly between the three of us. I trust that now you've changed your views on sodomy, there won't be any issues with you consulting friends or family on what has happened today," he said with a firm expression, though his face became a frown as he continued, "But if you find yourself slipping back to your sinful ways, just know I will be ready to continue this redemption program in the following months." 

I want to scream at him. Attack him, even. Yet, just the thought of remaining in this little white room any longer is sending me insane. I feel like an asylum victim, forced to remain in a  small padded room for days in solitude. It's the feeling of being alone that's turning me mad. I feel alone in this fight against repression. 

Ratman opens the white door and cool air rushes into the stuffy room but I can't enjoy it. I remain where I am despite my desperation to leave, my head fuzzy and my thoughts sluggish. Thomas, however, is already on his feet, though unsteadily so. I finally force myself to look at his face and notice how peaky he appears and the blood. Oh, God the blood. It's almost like a paste on his pale skin, thick and bright. I thought he'd looked bad after Aris had a go at him but that is nothing compared to this. 

Once again Ratman seems to read my thoughts.

"Before you two head back to class, I think you should go to the medical room to clean up. We don't want unnecessary questions to be raised."

Thomas just nods then walks out of the room and before I can even stand, he's gone from sight. Rushing toward the exit, I hit Janson's outstretched hand and I'm forced to stop. I don't look at him but his other cold and skeletal hand grabs my chin, pulling my eyes toward his face. Looking at him sends my skin bristling. 

"As I said before, I don't like you, Newton," Janson whispers in such a way my stomach pitches and my hands start shaking again, "I don't trust your word but this meeting is important and I haven't the time to continue your conversion. Just know that I will be keeping a particularly close watch on you so consider your faults and think about fixing them."

I jerk my face away from him after he says that. My mouth is bitter from the metallic taste of blood so I spit a wad of bloody saliva at Ratman's feet, pleased when it splatters onto his polished shoes. Thankfully, when he slaps me around the face this time, he's using his hand and not the cane. I embrace the sharp tingle in my cheek and despite everything that's happened, smile, crazed from the knowledge that Ratman hasn't totally won this fight. I push past him toward the exit but Ratman calls after me as I leave. 

"Keep walking but know that soon you won't be smiling, fag."

I almost turn back and hit him for saying that word but I remain composed and walk on, my teeth clenched as heat rises in my face. I hate that word more than the cane and it definitely hurts more than each whipping I endured.