The only reason to marry is Love - A Sanditon fanfic

Chapter 9: This burning fire inside

When he set foot in the house at Bedford Place it was like he let go of a breath he had not known he was holding. During the visit to Willingden he had rarely had a moment to himself and even if it had been lovely to spend that much time with Charlotte, it had also been exhausting to guard his own his behaviour at all times. He had been forced to shift between showing affection and friendly indifference. In the company of her family he had for the first time allowed his true emotions to shine through but had to let Charlotte think that was pretence. Then, alone in their bed chamber he withdrew and acted like he had no feelings for her, which made him feel like he was about to implode.

To make their love story believable to the Heywoods, Sidney let his guard down and showed the affections which actually felt very natural to him by now, but he had not been prepared for how his emotions galloped when he for a while left them unrestrained. He had known he felt something for her, but the days in Willingden had made him understand it truly was love. Holding back again as soon as they were alone in their room was so much harder than he had imagined, like he had opened Pandora's box and barely could put the lid back on.

When she looked at him with doe eyed adoration his feelings were fuelled even if he knew it was feigned for her part. When she affectionately put her hand on his arm the touch seemed to almost burn through his clothes, through his skin and travel throughout his body, making him want to pull her close to him, bring her to their room and undress her, kiss her all over. At night, he wanted her to lie under him writhing with pleasure instead of primly asleep beside him. This heat inside, his own intensifying want, scared him because he knew it would make her terrified if she knew.

He had not known if he should laugh or cry that first evening, when he found her with the nose tip barely visible under the quilt. Ravishingly beautiful with her dark curls spread over the pillow, still fearing advances of intimate nature almost as much as the first night they met. Her feelings were unchanged in that regard. His feelings on the other hand were very different. He still wanted to protect her, but he also wanted her to want him and beyond that he wanted her to feel happiness with him. He had never cared so deeply for anyone.

As she certainly did not desire him, he would sadly have to make do with keeping her safe and trying to make her happy. Reluctantly he turned his back to the beauty beside him and made his breath slow down so she would think he was asleep, but for long stared into the darkness with heart pounding hard, very aware of her sleeping form next to him.

Under the current circumstances it was a relief to be back home and get some distance to her. He was convinced it would be possible to repress the unwelcome feelings now when they would not act like lovers or sleep in the same room anymore. He missed her that night though and the nights that followed. Lying in his bed alone, he finally realised that the time in Willingden had made his feelings cross a line and that there might be no turning back. He wanted her there with him and he wanted to hold her. The fact that he could not was slowly but surely eating away at him.

He soon understood that his resolve to make her happy despite that he could not have her, might be difficult to combine with staying sane. Spending time with her, talking and laughing with her, made him crave more. A few days after their return he therefore started to distance himself from her almost by instinct, to protect himself and her. He spent the days working and the evenings much as he had before he met her, drinking and gambling with friends, occasionally participating in illegal boxing, a residual habit from his time in Antigua. It did not make him happier. He was done with his bachelor ways but sadly unable to fully be with his wife. He found that every night away from home he missed her painfully and wondered what she was doing, if she felt alone having dinner by that big table alone or if it was a relief to her that he was gone. Probably the latter, he thought bitterly.