The only reason to marry is Love - A Sanditon fanfic

Chapter 11: Spiralling down

A/N: First of all I want to say I am sorry the previous chapter seems to have caused quite a few tears. I always aim to make you feel, but right now excessive sadness it not what we need. I knew it was sad of course, but perhaps it felt even more so because of what is happening around us. I felt I could not skip or change this part only because of the unfortunate timing and I hope the continuation eventually makes up for it. I appreciate your feedback so much, thank you!

I hope you all are well and stay safe. If this will distract your mind from more serious things for a few moments my mission is accomplished. Sending you virtual hugs - the safest kind.

Chapter 11: Spiralling down

When Charlotte had swept out of the room and disappeared up the stairs, Sidney collapsed in the armchair feeling more battered than he ever had after a boxing match. He was close to crying from exhaustion and what just had passed. He had achieved exactly what he had set out to do, but it left him feeling far from triumphant.

He had spent the entire night here, drinking to numb his desperation and trying to figure out how to realise the idea Eliza Campion had planted in his head. He found it ironic that the woman who once broke his heart should be the one to inspire him now when he felt at risk to have it broken anew. He had not been blind to her shameless advances and could not care less, in fact it irked him that she would think he wanted to be her lover when she had rejected him as her husband once, but he was grateful for the solution she unknowingly had presented him when it came to Charlotte.

After last night he had known he would not be able to hide his feelings for her much longer if she stayed in his proximity. The solution was to not have her here.

'Mr. Campion and I did not spend much time together. I had my interests and he had his own, which I very much encouraged. Sometimes days passed without us seeing each other and it made my life as his wife enjoyable', Eliza had said, setting the cog wheels of his brain in motion.

He was ashamed of how out of control his feelings and his desire for Charlotte were. Had he been another man he would likely have sought his release in a brothel or with Eliza since she offered it, but for him this was about so much more than a physical need. He knew that the arms of another woman would not even give him temporary satisfaction, only cause him to feel self-loathing. He wanted only Charlotte and he wanted her to be his with mind and body, not one without the other.

He wished for her to be happy and safe and was certain she would feel neither if she knew his mind. His love and lust would make her uncomfortable and scared that he one day might claim her. If he slipped, she would never be at ease in her own home again and neither would he even if he, in difference to her, knew he never would force her. Telling her would be selfish and accomplish nothing, so he must find another way out.

Tormented he had deliberated different options all through the night. There was no way to terminate the marriage. Returning her to her parents could not be done, it would be too big a scandal and reflect badly on her. There was a third option though; to let her quietly settle in his house on the countryside.

He had bought the estate, which bordered to Babington's larger one, as an investment sometime after his return from Antigua. He almost never went there but handled it from a distance by corresponding with the grounds keeper, Stringer. If she were to move there, months or even years could go by without them seeing each other.

The more he thought of it, the more convinced he became that this would be the right thing to do. He knew that she missed being useful and involved in practical matters like she had been at her father's estate. She would likely be much more content in the countryside than she ever could be here in London, where her only options were to socialise and look decorative. She did not love him, so she would not miss him. That pain would be his alone to endure but would for sure fade away with time and distance, thus fulfilling the purpose of the whole exercise to remove her.