The only reason to marry is Love - A Sanditon fanfic

Chapter 12: Time for healing

A/N: I find it a bit difficult to focus my thoughts at the moment, even if writing always is my happy-place. My husband has been ill in what very likely is Covid-19 even if he is not tested as we do not do that on a large scale in Sweden. He is still recovering which means for a while we have not been two fully functioning adults in our home, so well, less time for writing. It is a strange time to live in and I know I am not the only one feeling distracted. Virtual hugs to all of you out there and I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Lastly, a thousand times thank you for all your lovely reviews. I have not been able to respond to all individually but want you to know I appreciate them so much.

Chapter 12: Time for healing

She had not known it was possible to feel like dying and then keep on living. It was as if everything inside her collapsed, fell apart, crashed and crumbled but the outer shell stayed intact and continued to breathe, talk and move. She had not known herself capable of such strong emotions of any kind, as the bereavement she felt when he sent her away. Her love for Sidney had been like a fragile sprig, trembling and apprehensive, not yet in full bloom, but her grief was all-consuming, passionate and flaring. It swept her off her feet and made her finally realise the depth of her feelings for him. Foolish feelings because he did not reciprocate them.

As the carriage drove away from Bedford Place, she allowed everything she had contained inside during the farewell at the stairs to erupt, and she was overflooded with the despair caused by her unrequited love. With body shaking and face buried in her palms, she cried until there were no tears left to cry and she was filled by a sense of exhausted emptiness. Then she fell asleep, lulled by the movements of the carriage taking her further and further away from Sidney.

She was not sure how much time that had passed when the cringing of the carriage rattled her awake and after a blissful moment of oblivion, sadness filled her again. It was Sidney's private carriage, which would return to London after taking her to her destination and as the journey went on, she thought of the two previous occasions when she had travelled long-distance in it. The first was back and forth to Gretna Green when they only just had met, he had paid to get her out of the brothel and announced his plan to marry her. She had been terrified of the unknown man, the imminent marriage and what his expectations would be on her afterwards.

The second journey was to and from Willingden. By then she knew he was a good man but on the way there she had still been incredibly nervous about introducing him to her family and sharing room with him. He had handled that so well, gradually calmed her, made her trust him and admire him, made her want him not to turn his back to her in bed at night. When they returned to London, she was already in love with him. In hindsight she could see that clearly, but the realisation did nothing to comfort her..

And now, now she was going away from him, the horses increasing the distance between them by the minute. No, she was not going away, he was sending her away and never wanted her to return. How things had changed over the course of a few months. How could fate be so cruel to unexpectedly let her fall in love with a man she was married to, yet not allow her to be his?

Tear drops rolled down her cheeks again, slower this time. She wiped them away as the driver stopped by an inn. He wanted to have a meal before they continued the journey and she joined him, but only pushed the food around on her plate unable to force herself to eat and was relieved when she could hide inside the carriage again.

It was late afternoon when they finally reached the destination. When she first had arrived at the house at Bedford Place, she had been nervous and tired but also curious. Sidney had seemed so eager to show her around and she had followed his lead. Now all she felt was relief to have reached the end of the journey and desperate need for a bed and privacy. The poor housekeeper, a Mrs. Morris, first seemed completely confused by the arrival of an unexpected guest, but after reading the letter Sidney had sent along she courteously welcomed Charlotte as the new mistress of the house. Without asking any questions she quickly had a room prepared. Charlotte was offered dinner but asked to be taken to the room without any detours. As soon as Mrs. Morris was out the door, she went straight to the bed and tucked herself in under the quilt. There she stayed.