Fault (BTS FF)

26: Mommy Loves You

"Im sorry miss You had a miscarriage" the nurse said before leaving the room giving namjoon and I privacy.

Was this my punishment I asked myself. I said I didn't want to be a mom so is this what I get for wishing it ?

At first I didn't want to but then I did and now I can't.

All I did was cry.

This wasn't the baby's fault it was mine if I just didn't get the fucking socks everything would be fine.

Namjoon and I both cried we lost the only bundle of joy we were looking forward to seeing.

There was a knock on the door but I wasn't happy to see the person behind it.

"Taehyung get out" I said wiping my tears.

"I'm sorry" he apologized.

I laughed hysterically at his stupid apology. He's not actually sorry.

"I don't need your pity taehyung now leave."

"You're not the only one who lost a baby y/n" taehyung said stepping closer to your hospital bed.

"YOU DIDNT LOSE SHIT I DID I LOST A BABY I LOST WHAT WAS GROWING INSIDE OF ME YOU WANTED ME TO GET AN ABORTION SO ISNT THIS THE LUCKIEST DAY FOR YOU!!"  I shouted at tae letting go of all the anger I had in me.

"But I was the father that also made it mine" he argued back. 

"ENOUGH!" Namjoon shouted.

"Taehyung leave this place isn't the right time to argue with her she and I both lost something you weren't there when she craved something , you weren't there when she had the most bipolar mood swings , you weren't there when THIS happened" namjoon said.

"Fine I'll leave but just cause I wasn't there physically doesn't mean I'm not grieving either" taehyung walked out the room leaving namjoon and I alone.

Namjoon climbed in bed with me as I made space for him we hugged each other as we cried.

"When can I leave?"

"They're getting the discharge papers ready" he said kissing my forehead.

"Thank you" namjoon looked at me confused.
"What for?"

"Loving me and..." I looked down and my stomach and rubbed it wishing I was still pregnant and this was a just a nightmare.

"Of course baby i love you no matter what"

I nuzzled into namjoons neck and closed my eyes.

••••

I was in bed with namjoon next to me I laid on my side as namjoon was on his stomach with his head turned to this opposite side not facing me with one arm under a pillow.

I caressed his back with the tip of my finger and he let out a low 'hm'  sounding almost like a moan.

I love namjoon but I want to be alone.

Everytime something good happens to me or I experience even a bit of happiness something negative happens. 

That's why I act like a bitch because it's easier to hurt other when I myself feel like I hurt more than others ever will.

I feel like I don't deserve namjoon.

I got up and checked the time it was 4:35 a.m. I needed some air.

I put on my coat and slippers and went outside I walked for a while till I reached the park.

I sat on the bench and inhaled deeply. I looked at the sky it was dark with stars.

"I'm sorry I couldn't meet you" I said as I looked at the sky I don't know if my baby could hear me but I wanted to apologize.

"Mommy wishes you were here still in my belly...nobody knows yet about what happened and I wish you knew how much I would've loved you and how much your daddy namjoon would've loved you too" the tears started flowing.

"I'd trade my life for you just to be here even if it was only for a few minutes" I sobbed.

"Mommy hopes you can forgive her" I stood up ready to leave only to feel a pair of arms being wrapped around me.

"I didn't actually want you to get the abortion it was just a lot to handle I'm sorry it took me too long to realized much I wanted this baby" taehyung said I felt my shoulder was a little wet.

Was he crying?

I turned to face him he's crying too.

"I was scared but now I'm terrified taehyung I know you didn't want the baby at first but it's more than just losing a baby, I lost what was inside of me I was growing a connection with it" I wiped his tears 

"I know but we lost a baby together not just you remember what you said when you told me you were pregnant?"

"No" I replied looking down.

He lifted my chin up my eyes slowly looked into his.

"It takes two to make a baby"

"I remember" that day wasn't the best but I wish I could've realized earlier how amazing being a mom would've been then hating for too long to love it only for a little  

"Even though you had a miscarriage you're young you have a lifetime for more time to make babies"

I lightly laughed genuinely at what he said.

"But it's not the same as the first taehyung, anyway I should get going namjoon wouldn't like waking up without me" i said before walking off

"Y/N!" Taehyung shouted.

I turned to look at him.

"Take care of yourself" he said.

I nodded before walking back home.