1000 Ships, 1000 oneshots, 1000 followers

*Vamren

"I-I just don't understand it," Tarquin insisted, looking ready to pull his hair out. 

"What's there to understand?" Varian asked, shrugging. "I like her."

"But she's- is she even a she? WHAT EVEN IS SHE?"

"I don't know. I don't ask. I don't think Rhysand even knows." Tarquin only looked more strained.

"I heard she drinks blood."

"She does."

"....BLOOD, VARIAN."

"I know."

"LIKE SOME PARASITE!"

"Hey, Amren is NOT some parasite. She's actually quite sweet." Tarquin let out a noise somewhere between a concerned, pained cry and a laugh.

"Sweet?? I heard she kills creatures by making them think they're dying. She could kill you by POINTING at you! She-"

"Is a beautiful and wonderful female, and I love her."

"You love the creature we were told about as children to scare us into behaving."

"Yes."

"....YOU DO REALIZE THAT YOU'E IN LOVE WITH WHAT THE HUMANS WOULD CALL THE BOOGEYMAN, RIGHT? THE BOOGEYMAN, VARIAN."

"And here I thought you'd be happy for me."

"Happy? Of course I'm happy for you! You're in love with her and she tolerates you enough to not kill you! What could be better than that? I'm just questioning your mental sanity at the moment because it's Amren and she's TERRIFYING."

"She's barely five feet tall; I'd hardly call that terrifying-"

"She gives the High Lord of the Night Court orders and he OBEYS them."

"Well she IS his second, and it's not like she's the only one Rhysand takes orders from-"

"Feyre doesn't count."

"Of course Feyre counts, Feyre's terrifying."

".....ARE YOU EVEN HEARING YOURSELF?!!?"

"What, like you aren't afraid of her?"

"Feyre is a dangerous yet valuable ally who wouldn't hurt a butterfly unless it deserved it. AMREN IS A NIGHTMARE PERSON FROM A DIFFERENT WORLD, AND NOBODY EVEN KNOWS WHAT SHE'S CAPABLE OF."

"Oh, I can think of a few things..."

"SHE SINGLE HANDEDLY DESTROYED HYBERN'S ARMY.....AND ALSO EW."

"You're really overreacting here. She's harmless."

"HARMLESS???"

"Well, at least to you. She's not some murdering monster- she's my girlfriend, and she's absolutely delightful."

"If my hair wasn't already white, you'd be making it turn that color."

"So what are you going to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, if you hate the fact that I'm with Amren, then what are you going to do about it? Ban me from seeing her?"

"Ban you from seeing her?" Tarquin echoed. "Are you kidding? I'm in the middle of writing fanfiction about it with Mor and Viviane. I'm just insisting that you spend all your holidays with Amren at the Night Court."

"You're not seriously writing-"

"Yes we are. We have 36 chapters so far, and Viviane is trying to convince us to make it smutty, but Mor and I keep shooting that idea down because it makes us want to vomit."

"Why are you like this."

"I don't know how long it's going to be, but we need to finish soon because Feyre keeps nagging us to let her read it."

"Oh no."

"Oh YES."

"And about the holiday thing- Rhysand already said we were spending all of them here."

"Damn him."

"I figured we'd split it up, so you can both suffer equally." Tarquin laughed evilly.

"HA! TAKE THAT, RHYSAND!"

"...You know, I'm still really getting the feeling that nobody like me and Amren together."

"Oh you're so wrong. We all love it, we just think you're mentally insane and that one day Amren will get sick of you and eat your head off like a praying mantis."

"I accept that fate. She's worth it." Tarquin gasped.

"Ooooohhhhh, you just gave me the idea for how the fanfiction's gonna end. Nobody will see that coming!"

"....There is something very wrong with you, Tarquin."

"YOU'RE DATING AMREN, YOU DON'T GET TO SAY THAT TO ME."