Daisies

2.0

TW: This chapter gets a bit dark. Mentions of death + depression.
• • •
"your love-

        wild

      and warm like summer."

• • •
My body is fighting the urge to fall asleep while I type out the final page of my essay. I know I shouldn't have put off doing it, especially since it's due at midnight, but when have I ever made good decisions. At least it's only half past 7, I could've waited until 10 minutes before it was due. As I write about the plight of women in old Hollywood, trying to keep my eyes open, I hear my mom calling my name from downstairs.

Without responding I head down the carpeted stairs in my fuzzy yellow socks. My mom sits on the couch, her elbows on her knees, with her phone in hand. There is a paper on the coffee table and when I get closer I see tears falling down her face. A half drunk bottle of wine serves as decoration next to an empty wine glass and I sit next to her on the couch, immediately concerned.

"What is it?" I hesitantly ask, I've grown an irrational fear of bad news with all that's occured in my life. It sounds stupid but whenever I even think I'm about to be given bad news I feel like I have to throw up, I get cold sweats, my heart aches. I grab her free hand, interlocking our fingers.

It takes her a moment to start speaking, the only sound in our house being the rain lightly hitting our roof. "Honey, the man that um, the man that killed your father is up for parole in a few months. They're obligated by law to tell us when.....and so I guess since it's almost been 15 years he's finally eligible. I'm gonna go call you grandma to see if she's been told but if you need to talk to me I'm here." She speaks slowly, as if there is a knife in her that's turning with every word she speaks.

The emptiness behind her eyes is one that is too familiar, one that will haunt me forever. As if she's already too cried out about this, the pain in her voice travels directly from my ears to my heart. My throat begins to feel sore, like it's anticipating the crying I'll probably be doing all night. I feel a tear fall down my cheek, here we go.

I don't have anything to say, my mind is so jumbled I can't even find words to express my feelings. "What does it mean for us? Do we have to do anything? Do you want to do anything?"

"We might have to speak at his parole hearing, maybe not. I don't know. I have a few people to call." My mom's voice has no emotion behind it yet it's so emotional. She smiles and hugs me, she's checking out. I can tell.

I hold the pendant from my father in my hand as it hangs from my neck. The warm tears seem to be coming faster now, I didn't even notice my mother leave the room. I stand from the couch, walking back up to my room. I put my rain boots on, not even changing my shorts to pants but my hoodie should compensate for warmth. It's like my body is directing my mind and not vice versa. I'm not even really thinking about my actions just going along with my feelings.

I grab my keys and phone, heading downstairs. I go into my mother's room after knocking a few times. She sits on her bed staring ahead as if something is playing on her tv even though it's not on. Her phone is to her ear.

"I'll be back." I inform her. She doesn't say anything or even look over at me, she just nods her head absent mindedly.

• • •
Jacob lets me into his dark apartment, his basketball shorts hang loosely on his waist. His hair is wet, making it appear jet black as opposed to its usual brown color. Once he can finally see my face in his brightly lit room, it's clear I've been crying. He sits me down on the bed and puts both his hands on my shoulders.

"You don't need me to hurt someone, do you?" He asks sternly.

Actually.

"No." I shake my head, ignoring all the violent thoughts I'm having. I kick my shoes off and lay down in his bed, under the covers.