you are the reason

chapter six _ secrets

Jughead's POV

One day, Delphine will come and ask to tell her the story of my life and this is how I'm going to explain her :
"The story of my life is the story of a man whose life changed in one night "
Which night? The night Delphine was born? No;I used to believe it was that night but it wasn't. My life changed the night I moved to Veronica's.
You may ask why? You'll find out soon

***

I woke up at midnight, not because of Delphine but because of my addiction. I had started cutting again and after two days of not cutting, my body warned me that something was wrong. I put Delphine on the bed next to Veronica and went to bathroom then. I searched the cabinets for something sharp and found a box of blades;they were sharp enough to make deep marks on my skin; but I couldn't. I couldn't cut myself in a house that wasn't mine. I couldn't make a puddle of blood in their bathroom and leave them signs. I put the box in the cabinet and started walking in the house not knowing what to do. I couldn't cut but as an addict,I needed to. I just had to find another way to punish myself, to reduce my pain.
Suddenly my stomach growled. I hadn't eaten for two days and whenever I tried to eat, I ended up throwing up. I guess that was the time I found my way of punishment. I rushed to the bathroom and kneeled in front of toilet, I pushed my finger down my throat and started vomiting then. I had nothing left in my stomach then,which was a good thing. After that I felt better.
Starving was the best way of punishment. I know I couldn't eat that night because I was really sick but what if I could act like this for a while? In that case no one would get suspicious and I could starve myself for days, or even months.
Apparently it was the best way; at least the risk of dying because of hunger was less than cutting a vein. Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to die; okay I wanted to but it relates to the time I wasn't a father yet. I could never kill myself because of Delphine, I just wanted to feel numb.
I woke up and brushed my teeth. I guess that was enough for my body because after that I finally felt tired and went to bed. Delphine was awake and she started crying when I showed up. I tried my best to take her out before Ronnie wakes up but it was too late; she had already woken up.
"Is everything ok Jug?" She mumbled
"Yes everything is fine. I'll take her out. Sorry we woke you up "
She then came back to sleep and I took Delphine out of our room. I swayed her and it stopped her crying after minutes. I lay on a couch and put her on my chest. I started singing her favorite lullaby while I was rubbing her back. That was one of my favorite things in the world, I could do it for days and years without getting tired of it. She would sleep after ten minutes but her eyes were wide open after 30 minutes of singing and rocking.
"Del, daddy's tired. Why don't you sleep baby?" She just giggled
"Seems like you're not in the mood of sleeping. Alright, let's go for a walk; but you promise me that you'll sleep when we come back "

I got her ready and wrote a letter for Ronnie and put it on her nightstand just in case she woke up and couldn't find us at her house. After that I put Delphine in her stroller and then we headed to the nearest park. I played with her for an hour. I talked to her, sang for her and did everything I could do just to make her a little bit tired but at the end, the only one who got tired was me.
There was nothing else I could do; so I just decided to accept the fact that I wasn't going to sleep that night. We walked around the city to find an open supermarket because only coffee could help me in that situation.
I went to the market just to buy a cup of coffee but the voice in my head kept telling me something was missing. I didn't need anything but I couldn't stop that voice. I paced around the store and suddenly I stopped in front of blade boxes and then all the voices disappeared. I picked a box and bandages and left the store.
I sat on a bench, pulled up my sleeve and started cutting; the slashes got deeper and deeper and I didn't stop until I had blood all over my hand.
After that I washed the blood on my hand with the water I had in my bottle and bandaged my scars. I felt like I had no power left in my body and I was a real mess.
Hopefully Delphine was playing with her toys all the time I was cutting; so she didn't have to see her father trying to take his life. The sun rose and we were still in streets. Delphine hadn't slept yet and I was just trying my best to keep my eyes open.