Antisocial [h.s]

[twenty-six]

"Mommy, slow down, please," I quietly begged, gripping onto the locked door handle as tightly as I could for some type of nerve release.

Her tears continued to stream down her face like at the funeral, her makeup was smudged but she was still my beautiful Mommy, but right now she was scary. She was driving too fast and it was pouring outside and I was terrified.

"I'm sorry, love, but you, I can't risk losing you later on, I'm sorry. Blake, we need to leave together, alright?" She sobbed but somehow managed to keep her words together.

I noticed the lake coming into view and where the curve in the road is but in the pit of my stomach I knew what she meant and then the tears began streaming down my face heavily. "No, Mommy! We'll be okay! I-I don't want to die, Mommy! Please stop! You're being irrational! Let's go to Auntie Karen's and have tea and think! Please Mommy!"

"I'm so sorry, angel, but you know deep down that it's what needs to happen. Baby, it hurts so much right now, we can't live like this," she removed one hand from the steering wheel and wrapped it around my small one.

I bit my lip so hard as I tried to stop crying, but it started to bleed so I just closed my teeth, preparing myself for the inevitable pain that I was about to encounter.

I don't want to die.

I do not want to die.

With a second to spare I took one deep breath and then I felt the impact. The car first flew and then we landed in the lake, the freezing water rapidly entering our car. The water was like thousands of blades stabbing into me and I was prepared to scream if it weren't for my lack of oxygen.

If i get out fast enough I can get help and Mommy can be okay.

Mommy can be okay.

Mommy can never be okay.

I woke up, gasping for air as sweat covered my skin. I felt the murky lake water that had given me hypothermia and pneumonia fill my lungs and I double over, puking it out as I sobbed, my hands tangling themselves in my hair as my heart pounded and I couldn't take it anymore.

"Blake, it's okay, come on. Liam and Harry are on their way, alright? Please calm down," a voice tried to calm and I felt Daddy's hand on my lower back and I slapped it away, crying harder and pulling my hair harder and I didn't care enough if it were to rip out.

"Everyone fucked me up! Everyone who left fucked me up so badly I almost can't function! I want to fucking die! I wanted to fucking die with her but I was naive enough to think we'd both be okay but neither of us were!"

It felt like more freezing, disgusting lake water was filling my throat and it just came out and I couldn't help it, the vomit landing on my blanket and I cried harder.

My mind, lungs and heart were strangling themselves and I couldn't take it.

My t-shirt gave me easy access to my pale forearms. I used both of my hands and painfully dug my long nails into my opposite arms until it was the only thing I felt as I sobbed uncontrollably.

I didn't hear anyone come in but all of a sudden I was pulled from my bed and my hands were ripped from my bloody arms.

I was sat down on someone's lap and they wrapped their arms tightly around me while I was cradled, my hair was being gently caressed, a vast contrast to my pulling. "Love, it was just a dream, I know it felt real, it must have felt so real, but it wasn't. You didn't find Elizabeth again, you weren't in the car with your mum again, you're okay. You're right here, you're here with Perrie, Zayn, Harry and me, alright?"

"Why are they still happening?!" I exclaimed into Liam's chest, holding him tightly. "It's been so many fucking years and I still fucking see them and they're fucking me up! Nothing fucking helps! Not the doctors, not the meds, not fucking pizza, hardly even you! The nightmares still come! I'm so fucking tired!" I began to sob into him, "I'm so fucking tired all the time and it's getting so hard. It's so fucking difficult for me and I don't know why because other people can get over deaths in a few years but here I am, more than a decade later, having nightmares, drinking away sorrows, digging my nails into my skin, pulling my hair out, getting arrested, getting into fights, I tried to kill myself. Why is it so damn difficult for me to get over people who didn't even care about me at all?"

"Baby, they did care, they all did, so very much-"

"They just acted like it around you and your parents. Mum didn't even want to look at me when it was her week to take care of me. Fuck!" I gripped onto his shirt tightly.

I squeezed my eyes shut but all I could see were their graves and I felt the tears in my eyes, the hands on my body and the lake water in my lungs.

I sprang out of my fathers arms, "Don't fucking touch me," I whimpered and palmed my eyes, trying to get everything to stop. I could feel more bile rising in my throat but I knew it was stuck there, it wouldn't come out. I just saw all the images, felt the cold, felt his hands, it was too much. I wrapped my arms around my waist and doubled over as my panic attack came, my struggle to breathe correctly became apparent and I was freaking out.

I felt like I was just standing in my t-shirt and knickers in a dark empty room while my mind destroyed itself.

An strong arm wrapped around my front, hand holding onto my opposite shoulder, keeping me upright, my back against their front securely. "Hey, Blake, Blakey, open your eyes, babe, I've got to show you something," a familiar, calming voice told me but I just shook my head and squeezed my eyes harder. "No, babe, you've got to, come on, just open your beautiful blue eyes for me, okay? I need to show you something." I don't know why but I complied, my eyes brimming with tears but I could make out the phone Harry held in front of me and the picture of us on the London eye, the one the woman had taken of us. "You see this picture? It's the present. All of that bad stuff with your family happened in the past. They're all just memories. They're bad memories, baby, but they aren't happening again. Right now you're going to school, you've got friends and people who care about you more than those selfish people ever did. You're okay here, you're safe." I was still gasping for air but my tears had slowed. "You're safe right here, with us, okay? See, this is you, you're alright, you're more than alright, you're so beautiful and you're happy here," he scrolled through some more pictures, some from the London eye and others I hadn't even realized he had taken, but they were real, they were recent. "You're alright," he repeated quietly.

I sniffled, my gasping was becoming less frequent but my exhaustion was taking over and I struggled to keep my sore, aching eyes opened any longer.

"I'm so tired," I whispered, leaning back into Harry and he wrapped his other arm around me.

"Lie her down in my bed," I heard Perrie say and I was lifted from my feet and gently placed under unfamiliar but comforting blankets.

"You're safe with me, Blake," Harry whispered to me, inaudible to anyone else, just before I passed out.