Antisocial [h.s]

[seventeen]

I didn't want Liam knowing how intense my nerves were in this moment but I couldn't help but grip his hand even knowing it was hurting him. Auntie Karen was rubbing my back in circles as Dr. Mitchel, Dr. Casey and Dr. Andrews stood in front of me, bearing the news. Dr. Casey was a neurologist and Dr. Andrews was the head of oncology. 

Dr. Andrews put my MIR and PET scan results on the board and I could see the dots lit up like a Christmas tree. 

"How long?" I asked, knowing the rest of the voices in the room were speechless.

"6 months if you're lucky. We'll start a cocktail for the time being,'' I nodded my head at Dr. Mitchel and he continued to speak. "There's a procedure we could do to remove the new tumor that has attached to your heart and lungs but the issue with that is that you could die on the table or you just won't have enough of a heart left. The other tumors they're in places where it wouldn't be that difficult to remove. The few in your brain are benign for now but we could remove them later, the ones in and around your lungs are a bit difficult but we could remove them, they're the cancerous ones. It's your choice on how we operate but your best chance would be the one to remove the tumor attached to your heart. We're meeting with the transplant committee to try and move you up on the list just in case something goes wrong."

I scratched the back of my neck and rested my hand there before speaking. "How many more times am I going to have to be cut open?"

"For the individual tumors...around 11,'' Dr. Mitchel answered and I shut my eyes. 

"And the cancer in my heart has definitely started up again?"

"Yes, I'm sorry.''

I looked at my family members. "Can I have some time to decide, please?"

"Of course, you can. Just get a nurse to get us whenever,'' Dr. Mitchel replied and I nodded, quietly thanking him as he and the other doctors retreated. 

"What should I do?" I asked the three.

"I know it's dangerous but you should get the tumor attached to your heart removed,'' Liam replied. "And get the other tumors removed as well as do the treatment.''

"I agree,'' Uncle Geoff announced, walking closer. "If all goes well you could have more years.''

I nodded, thinking about their ideas. "Auntie Karen?"

"You should do whatever you'd like to. I know you're tired of this all, you're constantly getting cut open and I want you to have as many years as any of us but it's your decision, baby. I don't like the idea of burying you but it's been a possibility for a long time now and 11 years of being poked and prodded doesn't seem like much fun, so whatever your decision is we can't change it.''

I have to go with the option that would hurt them the least, I've put them through hell with the late night hospital visits and operations and it's not fair to them. 

"I'll get the tumors removed,'' I declared and Liam kissed my temple and I sighed, resting my head against his shoulder. "Auntie Karen, Uncle Geoff, you guys should drive back home, I'll be alright on my own, you guys have work in the morning. I'll tell you when the heart tumor removal surgery is on but I'll be okay with everything else. I've gone through the surgeries hundreds of times before, nothing's going to change. Just please go home.''

"If you really want us to, we will, honey, but I expect you to call regularly,'' Auntie demanded calmly and I nodded.

"I will, I love you guys.''

"We love you, too,'' they said in unison before I got two kisses on the forehead and two big hugs, then said their goodbyes to Liam before they left. 

"Liam, go back to the university and get some sleep, I'll text you when I get out-"

"You know I'm not going anywhere, Blake.''

I sighed and nodded, he's always been the hardest to get rid of. "Then just, hold me, okay? Please?" I looked up at him and it felt like he was staring at my soul, my vulnerability showing.

I moved over on the bed and he climbed in before wrapping his arms around me and I rested my head on his chest. 

"I'm sorry,'' I whispered.

"What are you sorry for?'' he mumbled into my hair and I felt my eyes watering as I gripped his t-shirt in my hand.

"For being sick,'' I replied, my voice cracking before the first tear fell, accompanied by more and more, a never ending river flowing from my eyes.

"Don't be,'' his hand circled the small of my back, "You have cancer, you never asked for it, you never wanted it, you can't control it, Blake.''

I shook my head and released all of the guilty tears on his shirt. "You were neglected when I was watched under a magnifying glass, it's the reason you got into drugs and alcohol. I took your parents from you and I'm so sorry, Liam."

"You never took my parents away from me and that's not why I got into that stuff. Blake, stop feeling bad, please."

I sobbed into his chest and it was almost painful. "I was being taken care of more than you and I wouldn't even take my medication or talk to my therapist or do anything I was supposed to do whlie you just watched. I took your family away from you because I'm sick and it wasn't right. Even with remission I had all the attention because no one knew when I'd relapse and you just sat with me like an object. I took everything of yours because I was selfish-"

"Stop, the only things you've taken from me are my clothes. We shared my parents, we're legally siblings and we're emotionally siblings. Bad things have happened to you and you were just being taken care of the way you needed and I was being taken care of, too, you didn't see all of it because you were usually in your room or in your hospital or you just were staring off into space. You haven't done anything wrong, Blake. Why are you bringing this up now?"

"I-I don't know, I just don't want to forget.''

"Blake, you have plenty of times to piss me off and half the time you won't apologize but I also won't care because that's just how we are. We hate each other sometimes but that's what happens with siblings. You're my little sister.''

"I love you.''

"And I love you. But you really do need to get some sleep,'' he told me.

"But the nightmares..."

"I'm here, Blakey. You'll be okay.''

And I believed him. I shut my eyes, I stopped crying and I just slept.