Antisocial [h.s]

[twenty-seven]

I felt myself gain consciousness and my eyes fluttered open, an aching in my stomach and a light, dizzy feeling in my head. And that's when everything came rushing back to me.

"Fuck," I mumbled and rubbed my sore eyes.

"Lovely words to say the minute you wake up," Liam's voice said and I looked over at where he sat at my desk. "How are you feeling, Blake?"

"Shitty, sad, shitty," I replied and lazily brought my legs over to the edge of the bed and stood up, stretching slightly.

"You need to take your anxiety medication, I know you don't like to but last night Perrie was absolutely freaking out when she called me when I was with Zayn, Harry and the lads, you were sobbing in your sleep so much I could hear you through the phone, you were throwing up, clawing at your arms so roughly they bled, you aren't okay. You're suffering so much, I don't want you to."

I bit my lip and looked at my pale forearms that were wrapped up in thick bandages. I'm sure they'll scar. I felt my hands twitch with anxiety and I looked over at Liam as he walked over to me, placing a hand gently on the back of my neck.

"I know how adamant you are to function without your meds but it's just not working anymore, babe. I love you and I always will, which is why it's best you take your medicine."

I felt my lip trembling as his words were processed in my mind, my hands were shaking more intensely and I squeezed my eyes shut, helplessly wishing to rewrite the past but it was impossible. His words echoed in my head and although my eyes were shut I could feel the tears building up inside, ready to leak out like a lake whilst a dam cracked, and that's exactly what happened, I cracked, I broke, and everything came pouring out again.

I fell to my knees as the tears leaked from my eyes whilst I begged them to stop. I heard my medicine drawer open and some rattling before the noise stopped and I found Liam kneeling in front of me, a bottle of pills held in one hand. "You can't live like this.''

He opened the bottle, removing the cap and shaking four pills out. Typically, someone with anxiety only takes two, but I'm so psychotic I have to take four, I'm not allowed a higher dosage because it puts me at risk of overdosing, which would be such a shame. I crossed my arms tightly against my stomach. "I know, liam, I know I can't live like this, but they change me, those meds make me a person I'm not-''

"They make you capable of holding a fucking conversation with someone, they make you happy, you're so much better when you're on them, Blake. I know you're going to argue but you can't, your reasons are irrelevant right now. Last night was one of your worst episodes from a nightmare I've witnessed in years, you're clearly not getting better being off of them, so just take the damn pills, go to class or do whatever you like to do during the day and be fucking normal. I try to hard to be understanding most of the time but this is the end, I can't hold your hand right now and say it's okay for you to not take them when you wake up fucking screaming, sobbing and puking your guts because it feels like lake water, and you're clawing at your arms like somehow it will make the-"

"Pain stop,'' I weakly interrupted. "It wasn't supposed to stop pain, it was supposed to distract me, to think of physical rather than mental and emotional pain, I also needed to grasp along to reality and it kind of helped. But yeah, I get it, I'm being a weak, stupid child and I should just take my meds and everything will be alright,'' I nodded and took the four pills from his hand and threw them in my mouth, swallowing quickly. "There, now that that's done you should leave, goodbye Liam.''

He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "Blake-"

"Goodbye, Liam, I suppose I won't see you at the hospital later on, so I guess I'll see you whenever,'' in that moment Liam had the guiltiest expression and I stood up, the tears refusing to stop falling.

"Your first operation is today?" he asked, already knowing the answer as he squeezed his eyes shut.

"Don't worry, I'll suck it up, now please, get out,'' I demanded, crossing my sore arms.

"Bl-"

"Get out!" I shouted and he stood up, sighing and walking out of the room, knowing better than arguing.

I quickly shut the door and slid down against in, falling into myself as the reminder of today's operation came into my mind, the fear and apprehension included.

What if it doesn't go well? What if my heart fails during the operation? It's done it before but they were able to save me. I don't think they'd be able to save me again with so much damage to my heart already. If I die, then that argument could have been the last words Liam and I have said to each other.

Get it together, Blake! They're simple operations you've had before! You'll wake up and you know Liam will be in the waiting room and you'll both apologize and everything will be alright! Don't be a pessimistic bitch like you always are! You're going to be alright.

I took a deep breath and nodded to myself.

~-~

I felt the weightlessness of heavy medication as my eyes fluttered open, forcing me into consciousness. 1 down, however many more to go.

I took a deep breath and released it through my nose. I don't suppose I was supposed to wake up this early after my operation so I could still feel the anesthetics doing their job, in the simplest terms I felt high.

I weakly moved my hand to my upper abdomen, right where they had opened me up this time, my hospital gown covering the area.

I yawned and noticed my golden bear beside me and I smiled lightly. When I was four and Liam was five, he and I were playing football together, a very innocent match since we were so young, well it started innocent, but towards the end he sort of slipped when he was trying to score on my net and the ball hit me in the face, the impact had broken my nose. My Mum and Auntie Karen were lounging near us and I had let out a glass-shattering scream and I fell onto my knees on the floor of the field. Anyways, they took me to the hospital and I passed out at the sight of how much blood there was, but when I woke up I saw this adorable golden teddy bear with a little note taped onto the bow wrapped around his neck. In Liam's extremely messy, five year old writing, the note said 'sorry i broak yor nose, Blakers. it was gross but i still love you-liam' I couldn't stay mad at him, I kept the bear and I slept with it every night, brought it to every operation, but I didn't remember packing it this time.

I weakly lifted my head and saw Liam, Harry, Perrie and Zayn all in my room. "I feel stoned," I giggled, closing my eyes while I smiled.

"You aren't supposed to be awake yet," Liam said softly, walking over to me and I stiffly shrugged. "I'm sorry," he whispered and moved my messy hair from my face, tucking some strands behind my ears.

"Blakers still loves you."

"And Lummy loves you, too."

"Fuck, stop bringing that up," I groaned and lifted my arm, covering my eyes as he chuckled. "If you bring shit like that up I think I'll like Harry more than you."

"You already do."

"He buys me more food than you do," I mumbled and looked at Harry, hardly caring about the hot double-triple chin I was showing off. I received a wide grin from Harold and I felt my heart flutter, which resulted in my hear monitor making irregular beeps and I cussed as Liam began his teasing.

"Holy shit, Blake!"

"Fuck off, Liam!"

"Blake, I was so right," Zayn smirked and I flipped him off blindly. "You stuck up your index finger, Blake, not your middle."

"Fuck you all and fuck everything else, Perrie's good though, Perrie's nice, she doesn't bother me," I mumbled and the blonde smiled at me.

"Okay, now what the hell did I do?" Harry asked in mock offense but genuine confusion.

"You're the root of all of these arguments here," I briefly explained and his eyebrows scrunched together but I rolled my eyes. "Zaynie and Lummy here think it's actually possible you could like me back," I elaborated but my eyes widened at my last word of the sentence and everyone's eyes widened whilst my heart monitor's noises became more frequent. "And you know, I think I should probably try and sleep these anesthetics off," I nodded to myself, "Yup, should probably do that."