Just Passing

29. A Long Drive Home

To say that Tiffany isn't thrilled with me after music class would be an understatement. We waved good-bye to everyone, ambled along happily to the car, started the engine and turned on the toddler tunes, and as soon as I back-out of our spot and we're out of anyone's earshot, she says, "What the fuck was that all about, Xander?"

"Huh?"

"Why did you just, like, out yourself like that?"

"What? I thought we said it would be good for the kids to know more alternative families." I play dumb.

"But you can't just ..." She lets out a groan. "Xander, we have to be on the same page about this stuff. Ever since this whole Blake thing, it's like you're going rogue. We are supposed to be a team. What are you going to do next, call up my parents and out yourself to them?"

"Well, that's an idea. Maybe I should." I say as I pull out of the parking lot.

"You better not be serious. I'd fucking kill you." Steam is coming out of her ears. Sometimes she's not a fan of my sarcasm.

"I thought you were my ride or die?" I say plaintively.

"Xander!" She emphasizes the second syllable of my name, like a mother scolding her child in the middle of the playground. She is exasperated. I'm beginning to feel frustrated. Maybe I should just stop.

But of course I don't.

"Did you know there are cartoons on the Cartoon Network with trans characters?" I ask.

"What?"

"Yeah, Blake told me about them. And I Googled it the other night. Like, mainstream cartoons -for kids!- with trans characters. Isn't that mind blowing?"

Tiffany is not following my train of thought. She says, "Again, what does this have to do with anything?"

I put on my right-turn signal and slow the car before heading down the next street. "The world has changed, Tiffany. And yeah, I know, Trump and the Republicans might be talking about taking away trans rights, but the change in attitude has already taken hold in the next generation. There's no need to be ashamed about me being trans."

There's a long pause as she stews. Several blocks of front lawns, occasional trees, and at least two people walking their dogs zoom by before she responds. "First of all, I'm not ashamed. And second of all, it's not Generation Z or whatever who determines your employment or what the laws are. So it doesn't matter what cartoons they watch. They don't even vote."

"Cartoons?" Spencer calls from the backseat.

"We're almost home. Do you want to play with stickers or your new puzzle?" I ask him.

"Dinosaurs!"

"Good choice!" I turn up the music a notch and glance over at Tiffany. "Change is in the air, and I'm tired of feeling like I'm in a perpetual closet. It's not like I'm going to hang a trans flag on the front lawn. I just want to stop censoring myself all the damn time. It's exhausting."

Our house is coming up on the right, so I put on my signal and slowdown as I turn into the driveway.

Hmm, the colors of a trans flag just might go with our aesthetics, but I won't mention it to Tiffany.

"We're home!" Spencer announces.

Adult conversation time is over, but Tiffany gets the last word. "Just remember your priorities. You have a family that you are responsible for protecting."

Like I don't know that.

I can feel my gut clench. But I take a deep breath as I unbuckle my belt and get out of the driver's seat. I shake off whatever anger or resentment I can feel starting to build up. There's no time for that crap when you have two toddlers to take care of. Instead, I open up Spencer's door and start to unbuckle his car seat. "Did you have fun at Music today?"

"Yes!"

"Do you have fun playing with Kelsey?"

"Kessy?"

"Yeah, Kelsey. You know, she sat next to us today during circle time." I take off his coat and shoes as we walk into the house. Tiffany is doing the same with Nora.

"Can we play dinosaurs?" He has his own agenda. "Come on!" He grabs my hand and pulls me towards his room.

This boy who owns my heart– of course he and Nora are my number one priority. And maybe that's why I need to be more out and proud. Not for Blake, but for them. Why can't Tiffany see that? Hopefully she will with time.