Just Passing

22. Safe Space

Today's the day.

Conferences were almost a week ago. I let the whole ordeal sit with me over the long weekend. Tiffany kept wanting to role-play my upcoming conversations with her, but I refused to play along. I regret that stubbornness now.

I slow-walk down the hall to my office. I'm not religious; I don't pray. But God am I praying Ms. Reid will be out sick today. An excuse not to go through with what I have planned.

But of course she's at her desk as I walk by her office. She's on her computer and doesn't glance up, but her door is open, which means she's available for unscheduled meetings.

At my desk, I plop down my bag, place my coffee off to the side, and hang my coat on the back of my chair. Jessica isn't in yet, so I have no distraction. No reason to delay.

My intestines twist and I need to focus on taking deep breaths. I really should've practiced like Tiffany suggested. She's always right. How many years of marriage until I learn that simple fact?

Ok. Here we go.

"Ms. Reid?" As I lightly knock I take note of the LGBT Safe Space sticker on the door's window. "Good morning. Do you have a minute?"

She glances up. "Of course, Mr. Graham. How are you?"

"Fine, thank you. Mind if I close the door?" I ask as I shut the door behind me and take a seat at the conference table where we hold department meetings.

"Of course not." She scoots back from her desk and walks around to take a seat across from me, clasping her hands on the table. "What do you need to talk about?"

"Well, something came up at a conference last week that I need to share with you." I pause to gather my courage. "It was, um, with Blake Greene's mother."

"Oh yes, you've been working with Blake. How is he doing?"

"Good. Excellent, actually. To be honest, I haven't quite figured out what's happening when he is with the whole-class because he's so capable when I work with him. But, that's not, well, I'm not sure how to ... it's something not math related that came up..." Shit. Fuck me. Deep breath.

"It's ok, take your time." She doesn't smile at me, but her eyes are calm and neutral. Nonjudgmental.

"Ms. Reid, we've worked together a long time. And, I know we don't talk about personal matters much, but I feel we've always had a good working relationship."

"I agree, Mr. Graham." A slight wrinkle forms on her forehead. Jesus, I'm really fucking this up.

"I just ... I'm not exactly sure ... This isn't something I tell most people, but, well, I told Ms. Greene, Blake's mother, that, well ... I'm trans." I finally exhale.

In the beat and a half before she responds I try to interpret her face. But alas, it remains neutral and unreadable as ever.

"Mr. Graham," she finally begins, "I can tell that was difficult for you to share with me. I appreciate you trusting me enough to disclose. How did she respond?"

Even though she's not very emotive, I always appreciate how level-headed and professional Ms. Reid is. Her calm demeanor relieves me, although I am not surprised. I glance back over on the sticker on the office door. This really is a safe space, and for that I am grateful.

"She was quite thankful that I shared this with her. However, and I guess this would be expected, she would like me to tell Blake. You know, so he feels like he has a role model, or, something." If only I could match Ms. Reid's cool collectiveness. This is why I could never be an administrator. I'm good when discussing data, but if I had to deal with all the politics and drama of student discipline and teacher evaluations I'd be a hot mess.

"I could see how that would be something that she would want for her son. Have you given her request any thought?"

"Well, I did tell her that I was unsure how open I wanted to be with the larger school community. But, I agree that Blake would benefit from knowing."

Ms. Reid nods, understanding. "It can be difficult and isolating to feel like you are the only one of something in a group. I can appreciate how Blake would benefit from having an adult who is not just an ally, but a member of his community. Do you remember the story I told a couple years back at the beginning of the school year about my elementary school experience?"

"Yes, of course. About being bussed?" How could I forget?

"Bussed to an all-white school, yes. Even though it was the late 70s, mind you, and in 'liberal-minded' Boston, I was one of only a handful of African American children at my new school. And there wasn't a single teacher of color. So, I can empathize with Blake in that way. We are all trying to be allies, but there are limits to what allies can do."

This might be the longest conversation that I've had with Ms. Reid, and here I am, speechless. "So ... so, you would support me disclosing to Blake?"

"Yes, Mr. Graham, of course. But that's your decision to make. You can ask Blake to be discreet, but he's only a child so he can't be held responsible for keeping what you say to him private."

"No, of course not. I understand the risk if I tell him. I just wanted to, well, to tell you first." I shift in my seat. "For obvious reasons."

"Obvious reasons?" She almost cracks a smile.

"I can't lose my job over this."

"You're right. You can't. Hopefully you know me better than that, Mr. Graham, but even if I was a .... a bigot, gender identity is a protected status in our state."

Even though I knew this to be the fact, I still feel better hearing it directly from her. She is my boss, after all.

I thank her profusely for her time, and then make my way back to my office. Jessica's bag is there, but she isn't, luckily. I'm happy to have the room empty for a few minutes so I can collect myself and prepare for the next coming out conversation. If I keep this up, I might even become a pro at it again.