Just Passing

35. The Holiday Spirit

After a weekend at a Christmas craft fair, I'm feeling pretty festive. And honestly, in school, the time between Thanksgiving and Winter Break is magical. We may be tired and counting the days until we have almost two weeks off, but somehow having that light at the end of the tunnel puts people in better moods. You can feel the excitement as people talk about their upcoming plans and discuss classroom holiday parties. And even though the Superintendent keeps sending us emails reminding us to be mindful that not every student celebrates Christmas, there sure are a lot of Santa-hats being worn by the staff.

I'm sitting in my office, alone, minding my business, when Steve swings by and pop in for a quick conversation. He hasn't been as chatty with me lately, but I guess the holiday spirit has put him in a talkative mood.

Things start benignly enough. Football. Basketball. Chopping firewood.

But of course things take a turn.

"Did you ask for anything from Santa?" he asks, just a hint of snark in his voice.

"Oh, not for me," I say with a laugh, trying to match his tone, "But Spencer finally understands who Santa is, and boy, does the kid have high expectations!"

"Well, he is a pretty magical guy."

"Sure is."

Steve pauses and smirks. "Maybe he can even turn Blake into a real boy. Oh wait, that wasn't Santa, in Pinocchio that was the blue fairy!"

A string of curse words flood through my mind. I really don't want to go here, but what choice do I have? If there was a line that Steve was approaching, he's definitely crossed it now. So with a deep breath and a flat expression, I respond, "You know what Steve, that wasn't funny."

He snorts. Actually fucking snorts. "Oh, come on, I was just joking."

I do some quick calculus in my head. Do I tell him that jokes like that could be considered harassment in a workplace? Do I mention the sensitivity training that we went to before the school year started? Do I just... "Steve, I know you don't know this, but I'm trans, and I didn't find your joke funny."

Shit. What did I just do?

Lisa said that every time you come out, it gets easier. Maybe saying those words has become too easy for me, because they just slipped out.

He stares at me for a second. Two seconds. His eyes squint. The gears are turning in his head. "Huh, yeah. I can see that."

"Excuse me?"

"I don't know why I never noticed before." He stares in a way that makes me squirm. "But yeah, that makes sense. Why you've been so weird since this whole Blake thing."

"I–I just think you need to be more respectful."

"Yeah, sure, sure, of course." He gives me a fake smile and backs out the door.

Fuck.

Fuck.

What the fuck did I just do?

I've never had a panic attack before, but I'm pretty sure I'm having one now. My hands shake. My shoulders. Everything feels like it's vibrating. My stomach turns immediately sour. My heart is going crazy in my chest. I try to focus on my breath, to slow things down, but it doesn't work. The reptile part of my brain has taken over my physical movements and I can't will myself to calm down.

What do people do when they get so overwhelmed with anxiety that they can't do anything else? I have an image of someone breathing into a paper bag. But where would I get a paper bag? My lunch tote is insulated.

I look at the clock. I don't have to be anywhere for at least 15 minutes.

Should I call Tiffany?

No. If she wasn't happy with me when I outed myself to Lisa and Megan to make new friends, she definitely won't be psyched that I outed myself to make a new enemy.

Enemy? Adversary? That's how it feels.

Should I go to my boss?

Probably. But not now. I can't move.

When I outed myself to Lisa in music class, it felt like a relief. Like popping a bubble floating on a warm breeze. This feels like anything but.

After some time, Jessica walks into the room. "Hey," she says casually, barely glancing at me. When I don't respond, she looks over at where I am sitting. I'm not sure if it's my posture, my facial expression, or something else, but she asks, "Xander, what's wrong?"

"I-I... Steve." My eyes are locked down on the floor.

"He's such an ass sometimes. What happened?" Concern floods her voice.

"He, um, made another trans joke at Blake's expense, and I just-"

"Snapped?" She guesses.

"Outed myself."

"Huh?" She is taken aback. For obvious reasons.

"I told him that I'm–I'm also trans." I finally look up at her. Her face remains neutral, but I can tell she's thinking through her next words carefully. I continue before she has a chance to respond and say something that just makes me feel worse. "I'm sorry that I never told you. Before everything with Blake, it wasn't anything I thought I'd ever tell anybody. I mean, except, like, Tiffany and my doctor, you know? It's just a detail about my medical history. Or, it was."

"And you thought it would be wise to tell Steve first?" There's a hint of amusement in her voice.

If she's trying to lighten my mood, it doesn't work.

"Well, not first. I first told Blake's mother at conferences. And then I told Ms. Reid and Blake the following week. I also told a random couple at our toddler music class..." my voice trails off. "And now I've told Steve, and I guess, you." I twitch my lip in a semblance of a smile.

"Well, glad I was in your top ten." She says it lightheartedly, but it feels like a jab. There's a kernel of truth under every joke or throwaway comment.

"My in-laws don't even know, Jessica."

That makes her pause.

"Well, shit, man." She shakes her head. "How'd Steve take it?"

How do you expect he took it? I think. What a jerk. Why is he still teaching? Talk about a man who needs a new hobby. Preferably, something with as little human interaction as possible.

"He, well, he told me he should've seen it before. He looked at me like I was... subhuman or something. I don't know. Didn't make me feel good."

She nods. "Obviously. God, he is just an ass." Then she pauses and looks at me seriously. "You've got to tell the principal."

"I know."

"Now is probably a good time," she suggests.

"I know." I stand up. "Thanks, Jessica, I really appreciate you lending an ear."

"Of course, Xander, anytime." She smiles warmly. I bet she has questions, but at least she is savvy enough not to ask.

I shuffle off to the office. What a mess. Happy fucking holidays to me.