Highest Bidder

Part 6: Crippling Emotions

I laid awake all night.

A million dollars.

Ridiculous. He's ridiculous. How did he even aquire such money? Why go through the trouble of spending a million dollars on me and then just handing me back proof of payment? He said he did it because...he didn't actually say. Now did he. Claimed I told him to do something so he did it. Crock of shit. I tell him to things all the time and he never listens.

A million dollars.

Granted, I will say I'm pleased he won me. Because if he didn't I'd have to go out with Lyle West tomorrow.

Valentine's Day.

Congrats Max. You've given me the opportunity to spend the day of romance being reminded how alone I am. I know why he did it. It was because I was angry with him. Being a brat. It was an olive branch to apologize for putting me in that position. He didn't have to be so cold though. Returning the certificate like he didn't want it in the first place and then just leaving. I have a great best friend. I love them. But they don't love me. If Max had any shred of love for me, he would have said it last night. He's great at having dumb, little charming monologues that reveal just a bit of his heart when he recites them. Like when he said he loves his doctor. Or when he told me he wanted me. Ridiculous. He's ridiculous.

But he's sweet. And so kind. Funny. Adorably dorky.

God! I'm in too deep with these feelings for him. Words can't express the way I feel right now. Conflicted. Torn. Decaying with want and guilt. Picking up my phone from the bedside table, I look at my home screen. Nothing. Not a text. Not a call. I'm pathetic in thinking he wants me. Pathetic in wanting him. I don't think I've ever been so torn up about a man in my life. Torn in two directions and unsure of how to proceed in putting myself back together as one. I've never wanted someone so badly that it drives me insane and causes me to lose sleep over them or their actions. There's nothing simple about Max and I's simplistic partnership. We are honest and protective of each other- but it's far more complex than just that. He has my heart in his hands and I have very little of him, but he's still there. He's still lingering around me as if trying to give me apart of him, but is possibly unsure of if he trusts me with any tiny fragment of himself. Why can't he trust me fully?

Because I leave.

All the time.

I left being his doctor.

And.

I left being his shoulder to cry one after the accident.

I wouldn't trust me with anyone's heart either. I never stick around long enough to build that trust and relationship with anyone. After Mo died, I started fundraising. Would stay away from my friends and family who just wanted to console me. I grew numb and stopped caring about being a doctor. With Max, I stopped treating him because my feelings for him were blinding me of doing my job. I didn't want to believe it at the time that our "vibe" was really me having predilections for him. Yet the more I seen him struggle being away from me, the more I realized I was hurting him and myself. It hurt, being away from him. Watching him decline in both health and happiness. It hurt watching him lose faith in me. What hurt even more is the thought that he would be better off if I wasn't the one who lived in the crash. If Georgia would have lived- he wouldn't have to hurt any more. He wouldn't have a constant reminder that I abandoned him when pleaded me to stay.

No, I don't blame Max for not loving me.

I've proven I'm unreliable and not worth his care or time.

He's just too nice of a guy to walk away from me. To let me suffer without him. He's too kind a man to allow me to feel the pain I deserve. He's too good for me. That'll never change. That'll always be the constant, until I die.