Highest Bidder

Part 17: If You Think That You Still Love Me: Keep It To Yourself

It's been two days since everything happened. For two days I have kept my distance from her. That's what she wants- right? She's not ready to see me. She isn't ready to see anyone. Today, she's discharged and I can't help but stalk her around the hospital, keeping a good 50 feet between us so she doesn't suspect I'm around. I'm just worried is all. I'm a mess. I haven't slept since this happened. I haven't left the hospital. I felt bad for making Luna stay around, so Iggy was gracious enough to let her sleep over at his place. I thought the the flowers and balloons and bear were a nice gesture. Purple is her favorite after all. When I saw the way she looked at them though, it wasn't happiness or even comfort on her face. It was dismay. Disgust. Disappointment. Then when she saw me standing there- she couldn't even smile. Neither could I. She hates me. For sure. She blames me. 100% and I can't blame her. I blame myself too. Walking through the breezeway, I notice she has a lame gait. She's sore. Could anyone blame her? From what the police said there were two men involved and both raped her and at one point it was at the same time. It pains me seeing her trying to act like nothing happened. Trying to put on a brave face like she's not crushed down to her soul.

She makes it to her office and I sigh. Do I just go see her? Or do I wait for her to ask for me? But we both know that'll never happen. Helen is too proud and independent and brave. She doesn't need me. Nor does she want me. However, I need to make sure she's at least semi okay. Iggy said I should fight for my needs and wants and dammit- I'm not hiding any more. It's not healthy bottling things up inside. For either of us. That and she can't possibly think she's staying at her home alone after all this. I bravely take a breath and walk into her office slowly. I stay at the door and clear my throat. She looks up, her eyes red from crying and her face just seems humiliated.

"Please don't..." She quietly says. She's uncomfortable sitting in her chair. Based on the bruises I saw and the police report- so wouldn't want to sit down either.

"I didn't come to pester. I promise. I know you don't want to see me and I don't blame you." Her eyes are glassy and I feel mine preparing to water as well. "I just wanted you to know that if you wanted some time off...to get away and have space to yourself- that that's okay. I don't want you to feel like you have to be under a microscope here."

She looks down at her lap and I can see the internal struggle of trying to be brave and wanting to break down.

"Well...um- thank you. I appreciate it." I nod and am stuck in her door way. I can't come in, but I don't want to back up and leave either. "Thank you for your gift...it was thoughtful."

It was dumb is what she wants to say.

"You don't have too...I know it was dumb...stupid of me." I can't stop self hating. I can't stop blaming myself. Every time I think of her or even look at her I just feel her hate popping into my eyes and my soul. She hates me. I know it. It's hard not to agree with her.

"Max, it..."

"I'm really sorry...to...bother you...I'll go." There it is. The first tear of many to fall from my eyes. It rolls down my cheek slowly and I see her body heave a heavy deep breath. Like that's what she's been waiting for. I back up and I leave her office. I try to stop myself from crying but I can. I get into the stairwell and lean against the door. I slide down and feel my whole chest just twist and shatter. I wipe my eyes and make my way to my feet. I can't block the stairwell. Safety hazard. Besides. I need to just go hide in my office- the one place I hate in this whole damn hospital. I slowly descend down the stairs and take each turn barely thinking or watching where I'm going. I don't see my untied shoelace as I go to step down to go down the next flight of stairs. My heart skips a beat and I miss all of them and crash hard on the concrete on the landing below. I hit on my left side. Oh my fucking body.