Highest Bidder

Part 14: A Lie For A Lie Leaves Everyone Fooled

"Can you believe Casey asked me if he could help out in anyway?" Lauren asks as we arrange a few files in my office. This morning was by far strange. First, Casey asked me if Lauren was really my surrogate and then Max was complaining of his neck hurting, but refused to let me help and just seemed distant. He's definitely not himself today and I don't know if he's actually just tired or if he's tired of me.

"He just wants to help out. Which isn't a bad thing- at least he cares about you enough to ask and be concerned." I place a few files back in the cleaned out drawer and look at her sitting there all torn.

"I don't know. He probably just feels obligated."

"Lauren, Casey really cares about you. He covered for your drug abuse. I think it's less obligation and more infatuation. He's trying to show you that he's with you no matter what. I think it's sweet." Casey really is the best guy for Lauren. He's seen her at her worst and still would do anything for her. "He's a keeper, Lauren. You're so blessed to have him."

"Yeah...I am...but what happens when I keep the baby? What are the chances of him staying around?"

"Lauren if he's asking how he can help you now- I'm pretty sure he would stay with you- baby or not." She smiles and rests her hand on her small stomach. I never really thought of Lauren as the family type. She's always been a singular kind of person.  Always focused on what's happening now and never planning for anything long term. I'm the exact opposite. I plan for later in life and very rarely enjoy what's going on in the present.

"So, how are things between you and Max?" She's quite insistent.

"Normal. Work."

"Hmm, then why'd you follow him out after he looked upset?" I roll my eyes.

"Because I had to discuss my research with him."

"Oh come on! You two are fucking killing me. Would it be that bad being with him? You do have feelings for him, don't you?" How can I avoid this? How can I change the subject without her being suspicious. I can't.

"Lauren, do you think...do you think there's something wrong with me?" She turns her head confused.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, am I strange for not wanting to be vulnerable and open with everyone?"

"Helen, being vulnerable isn't a bad thing. Everyone should be able to express their deepest concerns and feelings." I nod and fiddle with my fingers in my lap. I'm scared of having people know about Max and I. I'm scared everything will change. That we'll change. I don't want to lose our perfect relationship. Our chemistry is profound and I'm afraid if people knew we were together the outside influences would drive Max and I apart. "Is this why you're single? Vulnerability? You're afraid of being exposed?"

She's not wrong.

"I just feel, like if the world seen me in love and happy that eventually the other shoe would drop and I'd be back into that numb state where I block everyone out. I don't want to go there. I don't want to be numb again. After losing Mo, I just...I'm scared. I'm scared that the next person I'm with is going to love me for a while and then find out that I'm really not what they want." She comes over to me and sits beside me on the floor. Her arm is around me and I feel slightly better.

"Listen- no body likes being vulnerable. Everyone is scared of not being accepted and loved for who they are. If they claim they aren't- then they're lying to themselves and everyone else. Love is a risk. You might have it one day and the next it's gone. But isn't the possibility of heart ache worth the joy you get to experience from being with someone who loves you?" I nod. Maybe she's she's right. Maybe I should risk it all for Max.