The Man Out Of Time [A ShadAmy and Silver Story]

Chapter 10

-Amy-

I didn't know what to expect when I woke up. Maybe I expected Shadow to still be here like he promised. But he wasn't here. And, I didn't know how to feel about that.

No, I knew exactly what I was feeling.

Stupid.

Why was I still waiting for him? And why was I holding on to the hope that he would burst through the door at any moment and ask if I was okay?

I stayed on the bed and pulled the covers closer to me. Their warmth provided little comfort, but I was willing to take whatever I could get.

'Why... do I feel this way?' My fingers curled up and dug into the soft cloth. I took a moment to breathe. My lungs stung, and a warm lump was building in my throat. I hated crying, especially over someone like him. 'I'm always felt feeling like this whenever I get mixed up in his signals. I could never tell what he was trying to tell me. Does he like me? If so, as a friend or something more? If he wants to be something more, why doesn't he say so? I've been clear in my intentions. I invite him over to my house often to the point where I've offered to make a spare key for him to have. Every Wednesday we go out to dinner, and every Sunday we have coffee and brunch. I don't go out with ANYONE else besides him, and I've told him so many, many times. Am I not expressing myself enough? Does he still think I only see him as a friend?' I wiped a tear that was poking out from the corner of my eye. My teeth were clenched so hard that it was beginning to hurt. '...why am I too cowardly to admit my feelings to him?'

It was pitiful. I was the one standing between my own happiness. I was too scared to tell Shadow about my feelings, and reasonable so. I wouldn't know how to react if he were to reject him. Before I see him as a potential partner, I also see him as a friend.

'He's done a lot for me. He's trained with me when I felt weak. He's talked to me when I need someone to speak to. He has once stood outside my doorstep for hours to make sure I was okay while I was having a depressive episode. If I lost him, his friendship; I would lose it.'

My own words stung. The anxiety tightened in my chest and I found myself breathing slowly to calm myself down. If I had a morning anxiety attack, it would ruin my entire day. And with everything going on, I can't afford any bad days.

'Too many people are depending on me. I can't afford to fail. There is so much at stake. I need to keep my emotions in check if I want everyone to rely on me.'

I sat there in the sheets and practiced some mindful breathing. I kept my eyes closed, and just breathed until my body felt calm. Who knows how long I sat there. The minutes seemed longer to me with each shaky breath. No matter what I did, or how long I breathed in and out, I couldn't brush aside the feelings Shadow leaves with me.

I found it annoying how inconstant his actions could be. One day he would take to me and tell me the sweetest things I've ever heard, and the next he would avoid me like nothing.

At times, I wonder who he even is. How well do I really know him?

'Maybe if he talked to me instead of avoiding me, I would know him better!' I clutched the blanket that was covering me in frustration. 'Why is this so complicated?'

'Maybe if he talked to me instead of avoiding me, I would know him better!' I clutched the blanket that was covering me in frustration. 'Why is this so complicated?'

I touched my face. Luckily, there were no tears. It just felt warm from the anger and sadness I was feeling.

'I want to sleep forever, but, I know I need to get up.'