If there is one place Angie Xu would be in the whole entire world, it would be Joan's flat, above her bookshop. Growing up, she would leave us with Joan so that she could go and get high, taking my dad with her, so she had a ride there and back. Once she was on cloud nine, she would always end up on Joan's settee, knocked out cold. It wasn't a pretty sight for any child to see their mother in. I pull up outside the bookshop, deja vu hitting me like a crashing wave, as I stare at the book displays and beads that hang above the entrance. Although life was hard, trying to provide and care for my sister on a minimum wage pay, life was easy, and a lot less complicated than it is now. At work, I have to avoid death glares, comments being made about me behind my back. Scarlett Jones and her overly frequent visits to the company, even though she has been let go, and Jake Grant, who doesn't understand the word no. I gather all the bravery I can find within to climb out the car, and knock on the door to Joan's flat. I wait a while before I hear her come down the stairs and open the door. Her eyes light up in shock as she sees me. She must of noticed the dried up mascara stains under my tired eyes, as she pulls me into her embrace. Without saying a word, she lets me in, closing and locking the door behind her.
"Just as a warning to you, your mother is staying here-"
"I know. I am here to see her actually." I stop Joan from explaining something I already know. Surprised at my reason for intruding her night, she tilts her head in the direction of her living room. She tells me she will put the kettle on, diverting into her tiny kitchen. I take in a shaky breath, making my way into the very familiar living room. The TV is on when I enter the room, the woman I should love unconditionally, sitting on the settee. I clear my throat, catching her attention. She turns to me, her eyes widen at the sight. She immediately stands to her feet, ignoring the TV.
"Ziayn. Hi l-love." Is all she can say, as I walk further into the room, taking a seat on the opposite settee in Joan's living room. With a look of defeat on her face, Angie takes a seat in front on me, muting the TV. "It is so good to see you again-"
"I have a lot of questions to ask you. I have so many questions to ask you, I don't even know where to begin. I haven't come here to make small talk and pretend that we're okay because that is one thing we're not - okay." I cut to the chase. I'm starting to turn into Xavier - all he does is cut people off when they're talking. I need to get rid of that habit.
"I know that Ziayn. I know that we're far from okay. But I want to change that! I want to have my daughters back in my life - for good. I made some horrendous decisions in terms of you and Daphne. I ruined my marriage, and didn't even get to say goodbye to your father before he died. I regret putting the drugs first and prioritising them over my babies. I have been clean for three years now Zi, I am ready to clean up the mess I have made." The tears start to flow from her eyes as she pours out her heart. A side of me wants to hold her tight, and welcome her back with open arms.
"I don't think you truly understand the depths of pain you have caused us - caused me! I needed my mum; I needed you and you wasn't anywhere to be found. I missed out on so much growing up, because my mum was too busy getting high, and my dad was trying to work and look after his wife and kids. You stripped Daphne and I of a real childhood, of love, of that mother daughter relationship. Everyday I prayed and prayed and prayed to God that you and Joe would come back; take Daph and I back home. But you never came back for us. You abandoned us - disposed of the two people that were stopping you from really letting loose." I stop, my breathing uneven, my chest heaving up and done. Angie sits there speechless. She tries to find the words to say something, but not a thing leaves her mouth.
"If I could go back to the beginning, and restart my life, I would. I would never touch a line of cocaine, never mistreat your father, never hurt or bring misery to my two beautiful daughters. I would have taken you to your father's art exhibitions, brought you art sets and notepads so you could draw your heart out. I would take you out to the park, and the cinema, and to McDonalds. I would be home every night to help you with your homework, go to all the school plays, buy you your prom dress, watch you graduate, see you marry the man of your dreams, have a family of your own. I would your mum. I would be the woman you love rather than loathe. We wouldn't be sat here going through this heartache right now." Angie sobs, her cries hard and painful. I watch her break down completely, her words matching the deep sorrow and remorse in her voice. Joan enters the room, a tray of tea in her hand. She gently places the tray on the coffee table that divided Angie and I. She sits in her chair, positioned directly in front of the TV and in between the two of us, but acknowledges the fact that we need some privacy and leaves us be.
"Why did you even touch that shit Angie?" I ask her, mentally preparing myself for the answer.
"My parents never showed me the love that I desired as a child. When I was fourteen fifteen, I met an older guy, who gave me the world, and drugs. After breaking things off with him, I never broke up with the drugs. Your father didn't know I was an addict until he caught me in the act." She shamefully admits, avoiding eye contact with me. "And even after seeing me trying to get high, he still asked me to marry him. Your father was a good man."
"Oh yeah, he's a good man. He didn't leave his two kids to fend for themselves or anything." I scoff.
"He didn't want to leave Daphne and you. I forced him too. He kept a picture of you both in his wallet and kissed it before going to sleep every night." Angie defends my deceased father. I brief moment of quietness passes by before she opens her mouth to speak again. "Can I ask you something?" I nod my head, granting her permission.
"Why did you come here tonight? Why did you want to see me after you vowed to never speak to me again?" Why did I come here? I know I didn't want to just scream and shout at her about how much grief she has caused Daphne and I. It's time that this wound is cleaned and bandaged up, so I can really move on with my life.
"I have been blaming myself ever since you and Joe vanished from the scene. I came up with reasons why you would want to carry on living your live without me in it. Did you ever love me? Did you even want me to begin with? I hated myself with a passion and to this day, I still hate myself and fear people abandoning me, and walking out my life. I am madly in love with the most kindhearted man I have ever met, and no matter how many times he tells me he loves me, or assures me he isn't going anywhere, a part of me doesn't believe him. I came here tonight to make amends with my inner self. To look you in the eyes and tell myself it's not my fault you left. It's not my fault that you were addict to cocaine. It's not my fault that Joe died. It's not my fault that Daphne is having a baby! It's not my fault that I had an absolute shit start in life." I truthfully say, before standing to my feet.
"I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me Ziayn." Angie replies. I look her dead in those green, emerald eyes that I always wanted growing up. Unfortunately we don't always get what we want.
"I do forgive you. I just won't ever forget the permanent damage you have caused my sister, or me."
And with that, I hug Joan goodbye, and make my way back home.
YOU ARE READING
Don't Hurt Me
Romance"If this is just a game to you then leave!" "This is no game baby girl. This is the real deal." Ziayn Xu is a twenty two year old woman who has been looking after herself and her little sister ever since they were left outside an orphanage by their...
