||TsukkiYama||Sing For Me||Wattys 2020||

|46|

It was supposed to be our final interaction, lasting no longer than a second, after which I would have closed the door to hate myself for eternity.

But this man is not a one to follow my plans, to agree with the painful future I have decided for myself. He always surprises me, which is one of the reasons I love him as much as I do.

He doesn't react at first. He freezes, while I experience the worst as well as the best time of my life.

I slowly pull away, starting to feel the emptiness, and am about to let go, as Tsukishima decides not to let me. He pulls me in his arms, putting my face on his chest, thanks to which I can't see his face.

'Please,' I say, my voice breaking, 'Please let me go. I'm losing myself to you, more and more, with each passing second. I can't do this anymore.'

I push against his chest, trying to break free, to escape. Tears start streaming down my face. But he refuses.

'Please don't go.' It sounds agonized. Just these three words break my heart, more than anything.

I hold everything back. This is for his own good, remember? This is for him. Stop thinking about yourself, Tadashi.

'Go.' I tell him, one last push against his chest.

I feel his grip loosen, Slowly, reluctant. I take one last look at his face, and all I can do is wish that I didn't. Tears are in the corners of his eyes, his complexion pale. He's biting his lip, seemingly trying to suppress the cries he wants to let out.

I never wanted to make him look like this. Feel like this. Live through this. My existence has hurt him. I must let him go.

I close my eyes, and push the door, saying farewell to my love in my heart. But the bang of the door closing doesn't follow. Concerned, I open my eyes, just to find Christine glaring at me, her foot stopping the door.

'Dear Master, I think this is quite rude towards our guests, no? Seems like you still have a lot to discuss, no?' Though there is now a smile on her face, I know that I should not refuse if I want to live.

Then, she pulls a dirty trick on me, making me unable to talk myself out of this anymore. 'Why don't you stay the night? Don't you want to sleep at a castle?' she tells the kids.

They cheer, and immediately push their way inside again. 'Don't do that again.' Christine warns me, before leading the kids to my room again.

Now, Tsukishima and I are standing there, alone, cold wind blowing from the opening. I wipe my tears away, refusing to look at him again, as I slightly open the door further, signaling that it is okay for him to come in.

Neither of us say a word as we head to my room. There, we find Christine again, talking to the kids. They seem to like her a lot.

'Oh, hello! I was just wondering how we're gonna do it with the beds. I have five spares, but there are six guests,' she smiles again as she says it.

Now it is my turn to glare at her. This is not okay. I have no connection to him anymore. I can't touch him, talk to him, look at him; he's all too precious for that. My love will only ruin him.

'We will figure that out later. Thank you, you can go,' I tell her, eager to get her away.

I thank Tsukishima's mom for having this much small children, as they ask for all my attention with their random questions once more.

Suddenly, a weird question gets thrown in. 'Do you have a shower I can use?' Confused, I look in the direction it came from, just to find out it was Tsukishima who asked it.

Oh, dear, no, please don't talk to me. I can't have you enter my shower, either, or I'll never be able to get in my bathroom again. But I can't just tell him that.

So I nod. 'Do you... need some clothes?' I answer, hating the insecurity in my voice.

He hums softly in agreement, and, without looking at eachother even once, I help him prepare for and lead him to the shower.

Without having realized it, time has passed quickly, and it is 9:30 PM, and the children are slowly falling asleep. I get them to the guest room, where Christine has indeed made five beds ready.

With my happiest act, I make sure they get in their beds, wishing them a good night's rest, before heading back to my room.

There, I find Tsukishima, his hair wet, wearing my biggest shirt, which is still not big enough for him. I make sure not to look at him, not trusting my mind.

'Sorry for the trouble.' Tsukishima's voice sounds hoarse, concerning me.

I sneak a glance out of the corner of my eye. His wet hair is sticking to his forehead, looking very cute, and also being the only positive thing to be seen right now.

His eyes look red and puffy, his glasses not hiding it, but enhancing it. Every now and then, he sniffs. His face still looks pale. Overall, he is in a sorry state.

I look down, trying to avert my gaze to stop seeing how sad he looks, but instead focus on how small my shirt is on him. His tummy looks incredibly soft, giving me immense urges to touch it, so I turn around.

I can't believe that, even though I got rejected, I still go absolutely crazy about every aspect of Tsukishima. I sigh, which startles him, as he did not expect any sound to break the silence.

'Are you okay?' I ask him, though my mind is yelling at me that I shouldn't talk to him.

He finally looks at me. 'Didn't you like physical contact?' he says, 'Think you could lend me some?'

I stand in the doorway, perplexed, not sure how to react to this.

'Idiot,' he continues, 'I'm asking you for a hug, you know.'

This does not make it any clearer, as my confusion grows. Wasn't he a fan of his personal space? What's with this?

He clicks his tongue. 'You really hurt me,' he tells me, tears welling up in his eyes again, 'Is it because I'm not open enough?'

As tears start rolling down his cheeks, I decide to give up my principals one more time, promising myself it's the last one. I run towards my bed, diving on him, letting out a cry of my own.

I put my arms around his shoulders, holding him tightly, as I start shedding tears myself. 'I'm so sorry,' I sob, 'I'm really sorry.'

He falls back, pulling me along with him, whispering, 'Please don't go,' over and over.

I close my eyes, growing sleepy, Tsukishima's heartbeat gradually slowing me down, as I once more falsely vow to break it all off after this.

~I wasn't planning on a sleepover, but it's my birthday gift for my loyal reader @ICANTMAKEAuser , so thank them and wish em a happy birthday! I think this turned out ok... I hope so, at least. -J~