A lot can happen in a year, but I never expected this.

I could say hell, but it was already hell before

I remember it clearly. I was with my school therapist Cheryl. She asked me how it was going and I couldn't answer, instead I broke down crying. I couldn't stop. This is when I said what I had been thinking for months but was too scared to say, "I don't want to be at school, I don't want to be at home, I don't want to be anywhere". She knew what this meant. She asked me to explain further. But this feeling was all new to me, I mean, I was 12, I had never been suicidal before, and I know some people have been suicidal at age 12, but considering most people on this earth haven't and will never feel this way, well yeah 12 is very young.

All I understood was that many nights when I had gone to bed I would lay there and wish for a long time that I wouldn't wake up the next morning, eventually I would fall asleep. Thank god for sleep medication or else I doubt I would ever get any sleep at all.

My therapist called in my dad, then she called my psychiatrist on the phone. For some reason he was busy and couldn't see me that same day, then she said "Come on, we have a kid here who is possibly suicidal, I mean she's 12, do something, you need to see her today!". Yes, I got to see him that day, but that didn't make much of a difference.
My "feelings", well they developed, and just a week later I was hospitalized. No I hadn't tried to commit suicide but I was scared I was going to. And I can tell you that that place was the scariest place I have ever been to in my whole entire life. Being suicidal is no fun. And being brought to mental hospital in an ambulance is no fun either. I do remember getting one of those "junior paramedic" stickers, which my brother was really happy about, it joined the family with the other "junior" stickers, "junior firefighter", "junior emt", "junior SCPD" and now of course "junior paramedic". At least i got something good out of this.
But I was scared. I had never been so scared in my whole entire life. I didnt sleep the night I got there, instead I screamed "I DONT BELONG HERE I WANT TO GO HOME" over and over and over again i had a nurse in my room trying to calm me all night. Yeah thats a night i'll never forget. You can't blame me, that place was scary. It was old,

Eventually I got out, but those 2 days were the longest in my entire life. To be honest that hospital visit never did me any good, actually it just made me see other people who were feeling similarly, I also saw their coping techniques, and well that just gave me ideas. About 2 weeks later I started cutting, and I did it for a while, it was the only thing that could help me, you can't understand till you actually feel like you need it. Please don't cut that's not what I'm saying, I'm saying that I didn't understand how cutting your skin could give you relief either. But for some reason it did, and as long as it did, I kept doing it. Eventually it stopped working, I to this day don't know why, but with hard work and a lot of therapy I was finally able to quit such a bad and dangerous habit.

I had this thing, i felt like life was a game, and the first person to die was the winner. You can say I totally made this up, but when you are desperate to die and yet you know how messed up and wrong its that you are feeling that way, you make up anything to make it look okay.
But it gets better I promise it does, and I'm so thankful I didn't do it, because this mess of a life will be over one day and you may feel like you've been pushed to your absolute breaking point, and that you're not strong enough, but you are. You have been strong enough to have been holding on for so long, you can keep doing it. Actually what totally changed my perspective about suicide was a quote I read online, I don't even remember who said it, but it went like this "Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem". I made myself promise I would never do it, but that was very hard, and I was very scared. I knew it was wrong to commit suicide, but the thought of it all being over was tempting. My life was scary, it really was. And the bravest thing I've ever done or ever will do is staying alive when all I wanted was to die.