It was bound to happen. October was when I completely gave up on school or anything really, and I say completely.
I simply stopped caring. My grades were going down, but I couldn't care less, I talked back to teachers, I used my phone in class, I never did my homework or even classwork, I stopped talking to my friends, I would just walk around school while using my phone, and I wasn't even scared I would get caught.
Well I did get caught. A lot, but I always brought my iPod touch and my old iPhone just incase, so all those times teachers took away my phone, well they should have known that I was using it anyways. I remember one time though, I was using my phone in class, and it got taken away, then I just used my iPod, but it also got taken away, and then I used my old iPhone and it got taken away too. Oh that was the longest day ever.
I got used to the fact that teachers who used to love me and see "potential" in me now saw me as a "troubled kid". But I really seriously did not care.
I even started talking back and being mean to other students. Not to mention my "negative attitude" in class. Yep, my depression had come back.
Actually even though it was only barely 2 months ago, I dont remember anything, It was all one big blur. Thank god I got another IVIG and I started getting better. I was horrified to look back to see the person I had become, Then I started caring. I was scared.
I was scared of myself. Then I isolated myself. I remember one time I had a panic attack at Target, I felt like I was exposed and everyone could see the mess I had become. Because I was a mess, I couldn't even get up in the morning. Every time I woke up, I would start crying. This may sound confusing, but when you're depressed you want to sleep, because you feel like life is better when you're asleep. I felt like I simply had nothing worth waking up for, and if I had had the choice to sleep forever, well I would have done it.
Thank god that after a week or so the IVIG's effect kicked in more, and it sort of got better.
YOU ARE READING
A lot can happen in a year, but I never expected this.
Non-FictionPANS stands for Pediatric Acute Autoimmune Syndrome, the disease i was diagnosed with in April 2014 after a year of not knowing what was wrong. Researchers are only beginning to study and understand this syndrome, and therefore there are a lot of un...
