Because of my mom's job we had to move across the world to the US, I was devastated. For the second time in my life I had to leave everything I knew and everything that somewhat comforted me, to go to this strange new place where I knew nobody. It scared me a lot, and the fact that I absolutely hated it when I arrived didn't make it any better. But that definitely didn't change, I still hate it but I'm stuck here.
I started 7th grade, and I tried, I actually did my best for like a month, I did 6 hours of homework every day and I gave it my all. I really tried, actually I tried so hard that my parents were worried about me. But I still kept going. I was so busy that I almost forgot about my depression. And that was the best part. But it was still there.
When people ask me to explain how it feels to have a depression, I have a hard time explaining it. It's like you can never open your eyes completely, you can never smile a real smile. It's like you are not living your life, you are just getting through it. Your eyes stop seeing colors, everything becomes dull. One big cloud of sadness that follows you around everywhere, you can't just shake it all off and try to smile, its just impossible. To be honest I think I did a pretty good job of hiding it, I think. I don't know, you tell me, if you talked to me or saw me or laughed with me in the past year or two, well you tell me, could you see that I was faking it all?
I read once that telling a depressed person to be happy is like telling a cancer patient to cure themselves. Maybe its true, people seem to think that you can choose who you are and who you become, that's not true at all.
YOU ARE READING
A lot can happen in a year, but I never expected this.
Kurgu OlmayanPANS stands for Pediatric Acute Autoimmune Syndrome, the disease i was diagnosed with in April 2014 after a year of not knowing what was wrong. Researchers are only beginning to study and understand this syndrome, and therefore there are a lot of un...
