Cartel│Mark Lee

Have you ever loved anything?

The cold gust of wind chilled my face as I stood on the balcony. I overlooked the beautiful garden below me. My mind raced for answers but I had none. My day was spent staring into space as I thought about the incident from this morning. Everything around me felt dark and timid. Mark stood a few feet away from me looking off into the distance. It was quiet, almost unbearably quiet. The moonlight casted light over his face. He was blank with no emotion. I wondered if he cared at all. I wondered if his own actions scared him, if he had any remorse. I let those thoughts slip away as I realized he probably felt the same way I did. Utterly numb. Wouldn't you have to feel nothing to get over the guilt or pain you felt? I couldn't peel my eyes off of him and I let them trail over his features. His looks were very charming and it was hard to stay away from him, even if I wanted to. 

"Have you ever-" I paused and he looked at me. I couldn't bring myself to finish the question, maybe it was because I didn't want to hear the answer. "Killed anyone before?" His voice was nocelant and almost sinister. My lips parted and I slightly nodded my head. He let out a small breathless laugh. "Oh nessa." He smiled at me like I was a little kid. "You act like you don't know who I am or what I do." I removed my eyes from him finally and nervously picked at my knitted sweater. I wasn't trying to be innocent, but I found it hard to keep my composure on this situation.  "Don't get me wrong though, It's not like I live to kill." He chuckled.  "I grew up in this world." He leaned on the railing and sighed. "My father taught me to never have remorse. You lose when you have remorse." I stayed silent at his words, not feeding into them. "If I left that man be he would of come back again to do harm and I would be shown as weak to the outside world." Mark closed his eyes for a moment and opened them up again. "Worst of all if I didn't do anything he could of killed you." His voice was small, barley knowledgeable. "I would never be able to live with myself if that happened. 

My heart stopped for a moment. "Some people want to tear me and this business down to the ground. You need to be strong Vanessa and learn that this is what it takes." I didn't believe his words, even with all the experience he had with this. "I picked you for a reason. I know you are capable to do this. To accept that this is how life is now." The look he gave me filled my soul. He had expectations of me and I could never let him down. I knew I needed to be better than this, I couldn't be weak. Not anymore. I had to understand that murder had to be done. I had to understand that the sins that once made me disgusted were apart of my life now. "Your father?" I asked him. I could see him tense up at the mention of his dad. "He seemed like quite the leader." I smiled at Mark and he rolled his eyes. "Too much so. He was built for running the cartel. He had every trait to succeed. He was smart, violent, abusive and powerful." His hands ran through his hair. I never really understood all the distress Mark got from talking about his father. Perhaps I never would. 

"Aren't you exactly like him then." I asked, which made him glare down at me. "I am nothing like that man. I wasn't built or created for this, I was only taught and it just isn't the same." I could see he felt almost saddened by this fact. I wondered how long it took Mark to cope with everything in his life. He hid his feelings so well, almost like he always had a mask on. "Have you ever loved anything Mark?" My eyes looked into his. His face went blank, almost pale. He looked deep in thought. I now realized Mark didn't have a real family. He didn't have a good relationship with his father and his mother ran away when he was young to escape the cartel. Mark played around with different girls but never had them stick around long enough to get attached. The only thing I saw Mark really care about was the business, but even still he hated it. He studied my face for a moment took a deep breath like he wanted to say something, but nothing came out. My heart sank as I watched the boy in front of me finally open up. 

He finally shook his head no. "I don't think I ever have." He exhaled. "The people i've come to know only want me for my money or information." He gave me a sad smile. "But hey, I love this house, my cars and my suits." A chuckle escaped from his lips and I frowned at him. Mark never felt any real love in his life. I assumed he grew up without any affection and just decided he didn't deserve any. His eyes fell low as he bit the inside on his cheek nervously. "You deserve the world Mark and I don't mean that materialistically." My hand reached out for his and he timidly took it. I knew Mark was a such beautiful person beyond the surface, he just wasn't free. Mark was stuck in this life of sins that he could never escape. A sigh escaped my lips as I looked at our hands intertwined. His face turned soft. "You really think so?" I nodded in response and he let out a little smile. I would be lying if I said I still didnt think about our moment on the staircase. It was only a couple nights ago and yet it still was stuck in my head. 

I wanted nothing more then to embrace him and reach my lips to his. I wanted to show and give him the love he never had. I wanted to confide in him and feel at peace in his presence. My thoughts although were pointless as I remembered Marks biggest rule. It was to never mix up business and pleasure. Even with all the tension me and Mark had, nothing could be done about it. Mark was too involved in his plan to even think about ruining it and he absolutely never let people in. I was surprised he even opened up to me this much in the first place. I didn't want to push my luck. Not wanting to push him away any further I decided to contain myself and my desire for him. I stood there beside him quietly, listening to the gush of the wind comfortably. For the first time ever I saw Mark looking peaceful among someone other then himself, and that someone was me.