Cartel│Mark Lee

We're so close to happiness

I had always felt special under Mark's gaze, almost like I was the only girl in the world for him. It occurred to me that I never made him feel the same way. I never told Mark I loved him and I always threatened to leave him for Jaehyun. I never gave Mark a reason to feel special under my gaze or even make him think I loved him. Although my lack of visible affection for him grew small I still felt secretly at ease always knowing Mark was in my grasp. I felt a tinge of happiness that he was finally becoming a healthy person, mentally and physically. I had now stepped down from running the cartel alone and went back to the sidelines. Mark was well enough now that he could work smoothly without complications. 

Mark's happiness fell dry. He didn't have that sparkle in him that made me fall in love with him in the first place. His confidence was low and he was tired again, always tired. It seemed like my small signs of affection didn't reach him deep anymore. My light kisses and tender hands that caressed him in distress didn't work like magic anymore. He was missing something from me, something I was terrified to give him. 

Taeyong walked into the quiet dining room to meet Mark and I. I smiled at the man who took a seat at the side of the table, leaving Mark and me across from one another. We were all so far away from one another at this huge table and I wanted to beg Mark to get rid of this godforsaken table at last. "Goodmorning," Taeyong said quietly and nodded at the maid who brought him a cup of coffee. "You two seem awfully quiet today." Taeyong moved his head from side to side to look at Mark and I. Mark stared at me and I let out a breathless laugh. "Were just tired that is all." I brushed off the lingering tension and dug into my breakfast. 

Although things in this massive house seemed to be getting back to normal, the unspoken words between Mark and I drove holes into our attempt of healing. "I'm here to congratulate you both, after all, you guys are close friends of mine and my bosses. I cannot see myself anywhere else but here on a day like today." Taeyong smiled and shifted in his seat. I grinned at his words, although they were awkward. Taeyong had grown to be a close companion of mine. He was a bystander that knew everything and had come to be fond of my effect on Mark. "Well, today marks the highest growth in annual sales. We should be celebrating together, as a team." I looked at the two boys and felt a sense of accomplishment and family. "Mark aren't you happy?" 

Mark looked at his plate and played with his food. Moments went by before he took a deep breath and dropped his fork. "Of course I am. I'm earning more money than imaginable and I have my two favorite people in the world with me at the moment." He let out a smile but masked a feeling of uneasiness. I knew Mark better than most people ever would and I sensed something was off in his words. I realized I hadn't seen Mark smile in a long time and I longed to see that joyous sight again. I missed the feeling of pure happiness we both use to thrive in when we were in the presence of each other. I wondered where the magic we once held went. It surely wasn't lost or gone by any means, we just had to find it again. 

"Your father would have been proud of you Mark," I said softly to him in which Taeyong nodded his head in agreement. Mark's eyes held sorrow as he nodded to my words with a faint smile on his face. We finished our breakfast with some champagne. Taeyong wiped his mouth with a napkin and rested it on his now empty plate. "I hate to leave so early but I have some meetings this afternoon, it is about the security on the border. I will update you on that information when it is over with Mark." Taeyong stood up from his seat and walked toward the door. I sadly smiled at his rush to leave us alone so soon. Taeyong paused at the door and look to Mark and I. "You two have fun today. Drink, celebrate. You work hard for days like this Mark, remember that." With those words Taeyong left, leaving the room silent once again. 

The silence was no stranger to neither Mark nor I, but we were both getting sick of it. Silence was left for people who were angry or speechless and Mark and I were none of those things. In fact, Mark and I had the most things to say to each other but fear only stood in the way of speech. I looked at my ring finger and bit my lip. I imagined a shiny ring gifted by Mark there and tilted my head at the thought. "Do you think it would work?" I muttered and continued to stare at my hand. "What?" Mark said breaking me out of my trance. "Us and marriage. Do you think we would work?" I bit my lip shyly at the question but I was blunt with my words. 

He stayed quiet in thought at my question. I laughed bitterly at the discussion we were about to have. Why couldn't things just be easy for once? "Look at us, Mark. Were both messes." I laughed and Mark finally smiled at me. "I've never seen a good marriage before in my life. Hell, I have a runaway mom and an asshole father that's dead." Mark darkly chuckled ironically. I rested my head on my hand and looked at Mark. "I had two parents that weren't happy enough so they abused drugs and died because of that reason." Mark and I were now hysterically laughing at the dark humor we created. We turned the depressive stories into a joke to gloat at our current situation. I guess that was the only thing that allowed us to cope.

We eventually stopped laughing and looked at each other deeply in the eyes. "I know we can be happy one day," Mark mumbled and I nodded. "We're so close to happiness, I can feel it," I said and half-smiled at the man in front of me. Happiness was all I wanted for Mark and me after all. I wanted to believe marriage could work for us, but all the past events and fights lately made me doubt it. Silence once again took over the room and I wondered if Mark was the slightest bit happy that I even mentioned his proposal of marriage for me. "Love would make it work Vanessa, I know it would. The real question is if there is enough love here to make it work." He spoke softly with a frown plastered on his face as he looked at me. "I can't give enough love in this relationship alone to make it work." He stared at me intently and I felt my stomach drop. "You would need to love me too Vanessa."