Farewell...

Comfort and family..

Thankfully courage made itself known to me the day of the funeral. I left my hair out a bun, just freed my kinky, curly hair, I wore my most elegant black dress, one my dead friend bought me when he was still alive to dress me and tell me what looked best on me, I wore his friend black pumps, a diamond bracelet. But, nothing ever prepare one for this, goodbye... not a thing.

Upon arriving at the venue I made my way past many strangers, all there to say goodbye to Zeke, a person we all knew. Inside, in the hall, I sat alone... no surprise there. I always was alone. I was used to it by now. I was early I guess.

It was perfect though, being alone- I guess this was the rest of my life... the rest of my life was empty and lonely.

People starting arriving, obviously August spotted me easily and came to me. "You came. Thank you." She said, with her hand on my shoulder. My heart beat faster and I felt it...all rushing to me, anxiety. "Yes, I'm glad to see you too." I said, trying to force a smile. " Okay, darling come sit with me and the fam. You shouldn't be alone and you look lovely today." She said, insisting, pulling my arm and I felt it hit harder-anxiety.

I couldn't any words in my mouth to stop her, as she dragged me there.

"Everyone, this is a friend of Zeke's, a colleague. She's here to say goodbye ... like all of us." She said, introducing us. Daniel was not there for some odd reason so, I was okay, I guess. "Mom, you're forgetting something...her name?" her son asked.

His name was Marcellus, meaning young warrior in French. He was a hybrid of two beautiful creatures, those being August and Daniel. He looked beautiful but by this I couldn't tell much about his heart. "Yes, sorry Marcel this is Tiffany, Tiffany this is Marcel, my eldest son." She said, being a lot more specific. She seemed happy and I felt out of place, like I always did.

"Happy to meet you, Tiffany." He said and moved up for me to sit. I made nothing of it. I felt nothing about it. "Thank you." I said, with no particular expression. The service began and the pastor's words fell dead to my ears. I couldn't hear anything, perhaps I didn't want to hear anything. What if what they thought about him went against who I knew him to be... honest and true.

Then I was asked to speak, to deliver a speech. I didn't want to, I was too scared to, I couldn't ... what if what I said went against what everyone believed Zeke to be? What if I failed to say goodbye the way he would've loved me to? "Tiffany, please." Said August, pleading. I couldn't argue, could I? I was scared of making a mistake, delivering a flawed assessment of my friend, my only friend.

And there I was, in front of plus minus hundred people, strangers to be exact. I was about to tell them about our relationship, a relationship that died the day he died, my Zeke. I was about to console them, console them how? Who would console me? Who would tell me not to cry or worry about him? Most importantly, how would I be able to console myself? How would I stop my tears from falling to the ground? How would I be 'strong' while I delivered this speech?

"Well... do mind me if I'm a little shaken. I knew Zeke to be kind and quite intelligent. He was always funny when he had to be and silent when he knew that was all he could be. He was honest and his actions spoke louder than words. He was a man of few words, thought they were only needed when they were necessary." I said and took a moment to breathe. "he listened more than anyone I've ever met, he told me the truth, regardless of whatever my feelings were towards a certain subject. He put his pride aside for me, always. He was goofy and serious at the same time ...I have no idea how he did it. He promised he'd always be there for me when I needed him. And I guess I need him now but...he's not here and I don't know what to do. I'm in my head all the time but now that he's gone, I'm stuck there and can't get out. I'm very unhappy that I'll never see you again, my dear friend... but I understand. I'm sorry I cut forever short. I'll always love you and to flutter you one last time, I'd say I love you and I love everything about you. It's pretty hard to love everything about someone and I'll love you always. I wish you happiness and peace wherever you end up." I concluded and took yet another breath.

And then he walked in, Daniel. He looked disturbed by my presence and made his way slowly to his wife... where he belonged.

Seeing this one person made me less myself, weaker than I'd love to be. I then could not pretend to be 'strong' whatever that was. I took one last glance at him, Zeke and one at Daniel. I then turned away from the Presley family and to the strangers I didn't know. "thank you." I said and everyone applauded, thus including Daniel, who barely heard a word I had said about my friend, the one who took interest in me, who I was, what I needed and who I wanted to become.

I got off stage and August and Marcel stood for me, she gave me a big hug...a hug I didn't think I needed. It felt nice, to sense good intentions and have them wrapped around you like a blanket that was never going to go away- she made me feel this way, just like Zeke did. "That was beautiful." She said, wiping my tears. I took a step back from her. "I have to go... before you disagree, please understand that I've embarrassed myself, cried in front of people I don't know and I want to go home already... please let me," I pleaded with her.

She understood, like I thought she would. "Mom, I can take her home. She'll be safe and they'll be need to worry much about her." Marcel suggested. I didn't like people who made suggestions all the time. But okay, I guess. "No, I'm okay. Thank you for all of this. It was a beautiful service and I'm sure Zeke is happy with it... but I honestly can't stay here." I said, trying to argue my case.

"Tiffany, Marcel is right. He'll take you home. You can't go home alone, not when you're so vulnerable." She said, in response, just like a good parent. "I'm walking. I need the air and I'm sure Marcel is not up for that. I want to be alone, understand this." I said, getting agitated by the second as Daniel stared at my panicking, shivering hands. "I'll walk with her..." he said, yet to continue. I walked away, in yet another hurry. She understood, didn't she? Why I did what I did?

I rushed out of that hall and out of the front gate... still my mind was not clear and neither was my heart. Both were filled with guilt and I just had to get away from all that made me feel this way. I couldn't because I was the reason.

I noticed Marcel rushing after me like I left something behind, but I didn't, I left nothing but my love for Zeke at that service, that service filled with people who could never agree on who Zeke was. "Tiffany! Wait, why are you leaving like this?" he asked, yelling at me from afar. I stopped and waited for him to catch up to me. "I thought I could do it, come here and say goodbye again." I said, overwhelmed.

I guess I needed someone to talk to, without talking to them... this doesn't make sense but what in the world did?