Farewell...

New beginnings and shut doors.

Back in my ‘home’ I took a long warm shower, hoping it would somehow make me feel like all of this was just a bad dream.

How does one run away from reality? How would I fix what was broken in my life if I didn’t know what that was myself? I threw on a robe and cleaned out my fridge, got rid of all the booze and prepared myself for the week to come at work… would it be ‘normal’? would anyone even notice that he wasn’t there?

I loved him and knowing I had to continue without him was a rude awakening. I no longer had a friend, a partner and it felt like I had lost a chunk of myself. While catching up on work, I heard a knock at the door. I slowly made my way to the door, I was in no hurry, I simply didn’t care about who the other person at the other side of the door was.

It was Daniel.

“Hey…” I said, confused by his ‘sudden’ visit. “Hey, I just wanted to let you know it was good seeing you today and I came to tell you no hard feelings about what went down the last we spoke. I missed y-o-u” He said, so shameless.

This man, this ‘perfect’ man was absolute shit and nothing I previously said about him made sense, still doesn’t.

“First of all I’ll help you out. Who said I want to hear all this? The ‘hard feelings’ is nonsense and you have no right to be missing me in any kind of way. Now I’d like to pretend like I’ve never seen you before in my life, so please if you don’t mind leave.” I said, far more confident in my delivery than I ever thought I’d be. He looked at me and sighed. “I wanted to say, you looked beautiful today, black truly does suit you. I know we broke up because of August but she’ll be out of the picture this time, please.” He said, continuing with his selfishness.

I couldn’t believe I once said I loved this man.

“Are you mad? What in the world made you think I’d agree or tolerate all the rubbish you’ve just said to me? I’ve grown up, I make better choices now. What we had in the past was simply a mistake. I know none of us ever had closure but I’m saying I needed someone to love me so that…so that I could love myself. I will not lie, I still struggle with that but I don’t want what we had. That was irrelevant to who I am. And I am not a home-wracker. You seriously have a beautiful family and I admire them. And I can’t replace all the people I lost with you and that’s what I did, once upon a time. I trust that we can both behave like adults and be civil whenever we do see each other. Uhm , I’m going to head in and get some work done, bye.” I said, being sincerely who I was, apologetically me. I closed the door and headed in to finish my accounts.

I don’t know what became of him that night, but I hoped he turned out alright. I would’ve loved him to be. I tried to forget the pain of loosing a friend with replacing it with work. Tried to forget seeing Daniel again with work. I thought of the only good thing that happened that day, my goodbye to Zeke, the only one who had been my friend, literally to the end. 

I later sent a text, an apology to August regarding the manner in which I left. I then got a call from her not minutes later. “Hey, darling. Don’t worry about that, I completely understand and you got home alright?” she asked, being a darling herself. “Yeah, I did. Marcel walked me and surprisingly took me to lunch… which was kind and I didn’t get the chance to say thank him and yourself. I feel horrible about that because you have been so kind to me.” I said, truly assessing what my day would’ve been without them both.

“No don’t you worry about that. Marcel and I completely understand the vulnerability of it all and we’re glad to help.” She said, once again being so kind. “Thank you.” I replied. “Hey! I just thought of something, how about we meet for lunch tomorrow, Marcel will be there and I’m hoping to get hold of my daughter, April, perhaps she might join us. I swear I just want to make this recovery better for all of us, okay?” She suggested. Wow, this family was totally in love with suggestions.

“I don’t think I can make lunch, sorry. Perhaps some other day… I just have a lot of work to catch up on.” I said, picking work over a genuine healing process. “Oh… no it’s cool then. Send me your address and we’ll be there for supper tomorrow. We’ll bring the food, take out. All the way, just junk food… that way you’re not cooking and wasting time coming here. I’m not taking no for an answer.” She said, persistent in being a hard headed human- being.

How was I going to get myself out of this one? “Sure… I guess. But please don’t expect me to dress up and please don’t dress up, not for me.” I said, insisting on normality. “Okay, yes we will be normally dressed. Don’t worry sweetheart. Goodnight.” She said, all too excited to get over Zeke’s death than I was.

The following day at work was rather difficult, being around all the things Zeke and I used to be around, together. I missed my friend more. My attempt to get any work done was in vein. I lost focus, like every two seconds, I got distracted by my thoughts.

After work, got home around 7pm and they were already standing out there. My only response was ‘what the hell!!’ but what left my mouth was… “Oh, hi. I was not expecting you so soon.” I said, in shock, making my way past them to unlock the door. “it was my idea, I’m sorry, but. We come baring gifts! Food!” August explained, she was so adorable and cute. Marcel was there too, Daniel and someone I thought might’ve been April and that was who she was.

I let them in. luckily, I cleaned before I went to work. The luck I was fazed with was incredible at this moment in time. “This is my husband, Daniel and my daughter, April.” Said August, introducing us. “So lovely meeting you all…” I said, smiling, as if I actually thought it was lovely seeing Daniel again. “You look prettier in real life… just saying. And Zeke was so lucky to have a girlfriend like yourself.” Said April, being so welcoming. She was just as beautiful as her mother. “I can’t believe you just said that, cause I honestly think you look far more incredible and I just come from work so I am more formal. Zeke was my friend, by the way and yeah he was lucky to have you too.” I said, actually trying to make conversation. “Oh, thank you. Mom, I like her already.” She said, giggling. “Thank you for having us…” Said Daniel, pretending to care. “It’s a pleasure. Please do sit while I get these shoes off my feet.” I said, trying my best to not be annoyed by his presence.

Marcel stared at me and smiled. “Hello to you too.” I said to him and made my way to my room where I changed my shoes and took a moment to meditate. I then heard a knock on my door. “Come in.” I said, sitting on my bed. Marcel walked in and closed the door. “You okay? I know my mom can be a bit much so…” he said, being a decent person. “I don’t know how I feel about all of this, I appreciate it though. And to be honest, I appreciate you checking on me. Forgot to thank you for lunch and the walk. Thank you.” I said and smiled. “It’s a pleasure. You want to start over? With us?” he asked, being incredibly kind. I got up from my bed and smiled. “Yeah, sure. I’d love to.” I said, opening the door.