Farewell...

Realisation, apologies and goodbye.

I was taken-a-back, didn't know what to say, didn't know if there was anything to say..." I do not think anyone in my life has ever told me that before. I know I am not a big fan of myself, I don't think I'll ever be ready for relationship with anyone... but I do need a friend because-" I said and took a pause, realising I was the loneliest I'd ever been at that moment.

"because what?" he asked as his eyes grew wider. "Because I'm quite afraid, I don't like being here, in this apartment. Many things happened here. And since we're being honest. I've done you so much wrong in my lifetime... I've actually known your parents for a long while." I said, almost in tears and panted uncontrollably.

He jumped off the counter in a panic and hugged me. My shivering self couldn't bring myself to tell him- tell him what I had done. But I was tired of not telling anyone anything. I was tired of being disgusted by myself. I could hear his heart beat steady as his hand slid up and down my back. "You met them before Zeke passed? Why is this relevant? I don't care, they like you." He said, he wasn't letting me free, not giving me the platform to disclose my shame.

"it's relevant because I-I had- an affair with your dad..." I said.

Being honest for the first time in a long while and being honest was the first step of recovering what I lost- that was peace.

I suddenly felt hand stop. He stepped away from and sighed in frustration. He leaned on the counter. "You've just told me you slept with my dad and I'm guessing you know what that means. So, I'm going to ask you to tell me when this was, how long, when it ended and why." He asked with his jaws clenched.

His eyes screamed with disgust and they didn't allow me to see it- the care behind it all- behind the rage he felt for me. " well , uhm... I met your dad about five and a half years ago. I met him at a café and he was my first boyfriend I guess. We were together four months before I found out about his family. You. I guess I settled for it because I was scared of not being loved and in my mind when I think about it now ... it's so fucking stupid! I am over and above so sorry! Ah ...I carried on letting him see me for two months after that until I had a casual run in with your mother...she was nice and kind to me, the same way she is today and I saw him later that day and asked him to leave. I did this because I understood what August would go through... my mother went through it too. I didn't want to be the reason behind your unhappiness, Marcellus..." I said, sobbing, unable to look into his sharp eyes.

"Marcel...I don't expect you to look at me the same or tell me you forgive me, but at least be my friend. Gosh, I need one right now... I need someone to help me. Please- please help me." I said, wiping my tears away and held his hand as he stood there, still. "Please-" I pleaded. "I can not lie. You are incredibly annoying to look at right now. You are filthy and dis-gust-ing. Your very breathing annoys me at this moment. Why are you so horrible? Why do you appear so innocent and pure and beautiful? Why do you appear to be what every man wants? Even my father?! " He said in a fit of rage, understandable.

It didn't lessen the pain but, made me hate myself more than I ever did before. Those words- although I knew he probably didn't mean them, made me recall a time where ugly, disgusting, idiot, stupid, slut , bitch ...were thrown at my face everyday by the man that was supposed to love me, a man that was supposed to protect me.

All reminded me of my father and him... the man that broke me- made me who I am... made me unable to love myself.

Damn it, I tried to be the person my mother raised... I failed. She wasn't there. She died on me and didn't say goodbye... she didn't say it would be okay, she didn't say he would hold me responsible for her being gone. "I'm sorry... I am S-O-R-R-Y" I sobbed. He drew a breath and sighed for what seemed like the millionth time. He held my hand, the same way I held his before.

Did he feel sorry for me? What made him change his mind?

He drew me close and hugged me like before, like I had not just told him I had an affair with his father. "I'm sorry I'm so upset. I promise I won't be upset for long. Thank you for telling me the truth... and for ending it. I'm sorry for what I said about 'being annoying' and stuff, I guess I wanted to believe that. I can't though because you're not all that." He said and held me even tighter and tighter.

This hug reminded me of the hug I gave my father the day I said goodbye to him. The day he went to jail with him... the man he allowed to play with me.

I was responsible for that goodbye too. I told the neighbour. I sent him to jail and I didn't mean it. All he could say was "Fuck you, Tiffany!" I'll treasure them all, all the sweet words he ever told me. I said goodbye to his friend, the one who thought it was okay to play with me and tell what to fix about myself... I didn't mind that goodbye, didn't hurt like the rest.

I was responsible for my aunt going away to London to study medicine. She used to say medicine healed all wounds, that's not true. When my heart aches medicine can't tell it to stop. Nothing can. I'm happy she did go, better herself, become something. I hate that she didn't see that I still needed her and that I was lonely and falling apart without her...

Saying goodbye to Daniel was also one of the least painful goodbyes- goodbye to him was like saying goodbye to a toxic past, like my father and his friend. And because I had done that before and accepted no one would ever love me, it was easier, I guess...

Goodbye to you, Zeke, that was the final nail in my chest... now a wound I can't breathe through. It hurts. It will always hurt and remind me of what I did. I distracted you, I called you, had you not answered my stupid call- you would've been there to help me forget it, the past.

To my mother, the one I admire most...I hate that we never had a chance to bid each other farewell. Mother you didn't need to- you didn't need to help me with my seatbelt, you didn't have to take your eyes off the road and you didn't need to close your eyes and leave me... I miss you. I mean at thirteen I should have known how to put it on... I'm sorry I ruined it, us.

Marcellus was kind to me. He told me something I couldn't bring myself to accept. That I did not love myself. I didn't want to. Seemed to hard to do, I'd have to erase all I had been told, all that those gross men told me I was, a whore... that was to painful to do. They all got some kind of ownership on me- those gross old men. But I could not be owned, right?

I slowly freed myself from him. "I've thought about it and I don't think you need to help me... I'll find someone else to help, it would be inappropriate I guess. Please can you go rest at home, I'll do the same. We can revisit this another time." I said, smiling through me tears. He wiped my tears and slightly smiled. His smile was all I needed, it lit up his face and I suddenly felt less burdened- I felt almost at peace. "Okay, no problem... chat tomorrow then." He said and kissed my cheek goodbye.

Tomorrow sounded too soon. Tomorrow was too soon for me to get over my recent embarrassment, it was too soon to act normal.

"Goodbye, Marcel..." I said and waved him goodbye as he closed my door. He left without my special coffee, nothing special about it to be honest... just that it's made with love, the love I wish I had for the world. I was afraid to live in it, the world.

I then locked my door and made my way to my room, I searched for it everywhere. The bottle of alcohol, kept it in case I needed it... I needed it.

In my drawer, the pills the doctor prescribed for my insomnia- barely took them but I decided to start then. Once I had one in my mouth and down my throat, I didn't want to stop swallowing them, I was finally unfeeling. I knew it would get better, the pain but I didn't want it to...I was so used to it.

I was finally numb. Numb from all things, the pain of my razer blade, the pain of grief and the pain of living...

Goodbye.