Reckless Abandon

Chapter Six

Eureka's POV

Falling in love was easy years ago. I was young, innocent, vulnerable and blinded by the idea of it. Nung mga panahong iyon, it was the only thing that mattered.

He was the only thing that mattered.

Amadeus was a lightning bolt from a storm. He struck me so high that it occurred to me how it felt like being electrocuted by too much sparks. He was a raging storm, that when he left me, I was completely shattered.

I stepped inside my bathroom and stripped all my clothes off. I filled my tub with water, the sound of the water broke the unsettling silence in the room.

Looking at my nakedness in the mirror, napagtanto kong kinalimutan ko na ang dating ako. It was as if I am looking at the same face, but a different person. Everytime I look at my self, naaalala ko lahat ng nangyari. Lahat ng mga alaala. Di sila umaalis kahit anong pilit kong kalimutan.

My eyes are still the same, except that they look crestfallen for a long time now. My gaze went down to my breasts that hang limp in my chest, to the curve of my hip, down to my slender thighs all the way to my toes.

I am never my own self anymore. When I look at myself, I am theirs.

I see a monster that they created. No, I became like them. A heartless, heartless, anonymous monster.

A single tear rolled down to my cheek. This is the only time that I feel everything... kapag ako na lang mag-isa. And this is the only time that I cry because at the end of the day, I know deep within, I'm weak. I'm broken.

I step into the warm, fuzzy water in the tub. It smelled of my favorite aroma in the world. Jasmine. I let the water drape all over me like a blanket. The coldness of my body sizzles, making my body relax at the warmth of the water.

I closed my eyes but all I see is his. The betrayal of time made the memory of him blurry on my brain, but I remember. I remember everything. Naaalala ko ang lahat.

"Don't look down. I want to see your face."

"Do you really want me, Amadeus?"

"Of course I want you. No, I'm sorry.  I don't want you. In fact, I love you."

Naalala ko ang hugis ng kanyang mga mata, ang pakiramdam ng kanyang mga bisig sa aking katawan, ang mga pangakong binitawan niya na pinanghawakan ko ng matagal. Mga pangakong pinilit kong paniwalaan.

"Mahal na mahal kita, Eureka. Di magbabago yun"

"Talaga? Di mo ako iiwan ah? Promise mo yan."

"Promise. Kahit anong mangyari, ikaw lang ang para sakin."

Naalala ko lahat ang sakit, ang ligaya, at mga oras na gustong-gusto kong balikan. Pero lahat ng iyon, parang isa na lamang panaginip na kahit kailan, alam kong hindi na mangyayari ulit. Na kahit kailan, hindi ko na maibabalik pa.

"Eureka, makinig ka nga sakin. Nakakasal na kasi 'to eh. Please ayoko na. Kasi...alam mo yun? Kahit anong gawin ko Eureka, hindi ako tanggap ng mga magulang mo. Kahit kailan hindi ako makakasabay sa mundong ginagalawan mo. Hindi ako magiging kasing perpekto mo. At sobrang nakakapagod ng magpanggap na papantay ako sa kung ano at sino ka."

"Does that even matter? Amadeus, just say it. Kaya ko naman iwan to lahat para sayo."

"Huwag mong sabihin yan. Sa susunod na mga taon hahanapin mo ang marangyang buhay na meron ka. At hindi ko maibibigay sayo yun. We're both going to be miserable."

"Amadeus, wag naman sana ganito oh. We can't break up now."

"I'm sorry, Eureka. But that's all there is to us."

"Amadeus, ano bang ginagawa mo sa buhay mo? I thought you promised me you're going to make yourself a better person for me? For my family? Nalululong ka na sa pagsusugal mo! And where was that money I lent you. Ang sabi mo--"

"Fuck this, Eureka! Pagod na pagod na ako, please lang!"

"And who are these unknown callers on your phone? Baby? Are you cheating on me? Amadeus, we have to show my parents that we are okay!"

"And what?! So we can keep pretending that this relationship is perfect?! I am poor and broke and a failure!"

"No, you're not. If naubos na ang perang binigay ko sayo, I'll give you more na naman. Please. Just don't leave me like this."

"Eureka, what are you doing?!"

"Ayaw mong magpakasal sa akin diba? I might as well die!"

"Jesus, Eureka! Why would you do this to yourself!"

"Please, marry me, Amadeus. Mahal na mahal kita. Or else, I'd die!"

"Please tulungan mo ako! My baby is coming out!"

"Where is he, hija? Where did he go?"

I can feel myself running out of breath.

Dahan-dahang bumabagal ang tibok ng puso ko.

I let myself drown in the tub.

"I will always love you, Eureka."

I grabbed the tub and gasped for air. I screamed.

Sumigaw ako nang sumigaw at hinayaang umagos ang mga luha sa mukha ko. My heart felt like its on fire. It always feels like this every time I try to kill myself.

I screamed again, as if this could erase everything that I am feeling inside. It feels so good to scream.

All Rights Reserved 2020. Published 04/02/20