Running From Your Shadows

Chapter 12

Marina counted it now as 4 weeks since the attack by a small band of raiders, 4 weeks since Martin was killed in action, 3 weeks since his funeral. She could feel the energy change drastically in the town. Everyone was mourning, grieving, angry at what happened, and it hasn't helped Samuel one bit. She was hearing from Yuang about how Sam was carrying himself at work: from his slow movements and response, to suddenly staring out at nothing as if seeing a ghost. She could feel Monique's and Sicilia's sorrow and uncertainty with young Johnson who would isolate himself and lash out at them. The only thing that brought the boy comfort was Sam coming by, and retreating into the arms of the man.

"It's not your fault, Mr. Sam." Johnson would always tell Sam, but Marina could see it wasn't helping. Not even hearing those words from Martin's wife could help him ease the pain and guilt that raked through his being.

Samuel never thought he'd feel guilt this strong in his entire life, thinking it is worse since his days in the UNSC. Here he was sitting on his bed, with Marina holding him close to her while she rubbed circles on his back with one of her hands. He knew Johnson and his mom didn't blame him for what happened, but it was difficult to unsee the lifeless eyes of his friend after the preventable situation. After all of this, swearing off killing, there was still blood on his hands of an innocent life lost, no matter what kind of person Martin was before. He hung his head, wondering if the weight he felt would crash through the floor.

"Marina?" He croaked. "Am I really a human?"

"Of course, Sam." She responded, noticing there was a lightness in her voice. Samuel reached and touched the scarring on his face.

"No matter what I do, Marina, why is it someone still has to die? Martin is dead because of me, and me trying to fix all the wrong I've done in the past still killed him."

"But, Samuel, these things happen." Sam abruptly stood up and marched to his bathroom, the counter barely catching his fall as he stared at himself in the mirror. He once again traced his facial scarring, reminded of what he's done.

Sam stood there in the men's bathroom, looking at himself in the mirror. What was wrong with him? Why is everything falling apart? Who was he? Since he received that traumatizing scolding from his CO, Samuel wasn't sure about himself or his humanity. He started reminding Isaac he was Locus, and the rest of his squad that he is no longer Samuel Ortez, but rather Locus. He looked to his helmet in the background, and examined it thinking it held the answers. The large X across his helmet stood out to him. Locus realized that was the identity given to the armor, and reasoned with himself this was his identity.

"I am nothing more than a suit of armor and a gun..." He pulled out his blade, and carefully aimed the blade across his flesh. He yelled out in pain as he made the first stroke, carving out his new identity from the shell of his old, worthless self. He reached out as he finished his first cut, the first stroke of the X. Looking back to the mirror, and saw the blood rushing down his face, some getting into his eye. His nostrils flared with fury.

"I am Locus! I am a soldier, and I follow orders, and complete them no matter what!" He yelled as he aimed and started crying out as he made the second carving into his skin, the second stroke of the X. He used the sink to catch himself, panting. He looked to the mirror again as he dropped the knife.

"Sam! What the hell are you doing?" He wasn't even listening, but wondered why he saw Isaac trying to shake him.

"Ortez! What in Sam Hill did you do to yourself? Have you gone mad!" He sharply turned his head to his CO who stood there, surprise evident on his face.

"I am Locus! I am a soldier! I am nothing but a suit of armor and a gun! I follow orders and complete them no matter what!"

"Sam!" He came back from his painful flashback to see Marina, standing in the doorway, fear written all over her face. He faced her, with fear and anger in his eyes.

"These things happen to soldiers, not innocent civilians, Marina!"

"Sam, I-"

"Marina, I've killed tens of thousands of people in my life over the past 10 years, and even now I've still killed someone without meaning to!" Marina was slowly backing away feeling stunned. She didn't know what got into Sam, or why he was suddenly so angry at her.

"Sam, what are you saying?" She cautiously asked as she sat on Sam's bed again. Sam sighed as he leaned against the doorframe. Marina watched as he looked to her again, his eyes pleading for mercy. What shook Marina was how she's never seen him this scared throughout the entire time she's known him.

"Marina, this man you see before you is not who you think. You're in love with a monster, a murderer, a former gun for hire." Marina's mouth is hanging open, not sure how to respond, but he kept going. "I've killed people without question, Marina. I didn't care who they were, what they did, or how they begged for any mercy from me thinking I had any in my heart. I killed to follow orders, to be the perfect soldier I was obsessed with being. It wasn't until my job on Chorus with Felix I realized who I was, and what I was doing since being kicked out of the UNSC." Marina's eyes squinted at the man.

"What?"

"I was kicked out for my scars, Marina. I went mad, thinking if I became like my armor, I would have my identity and purpose. Felix came with me." Sam soon gestured to her to follow him, then they went into his closet. He revealed a secret compartment, and Marina gasped at what she saw.

"Is that...?"

"My armor."