Running From Your Shadows

Chapter 10

"Am I human?" was the question Sam was asking himself, looking at the object in his hands, while sitting on his bed. He stared into his old LOCUS helmet, wondering if the answer lies within his reflection. It was void of the green X he had painted on when he first got the armor. Instead of a concrete answer, he was looking into a portal that went directly into his past. He saw his helmet head, and Sam wondered if the mercenary was going to shoot him through the helmet.

"How unfortunate." Sam could hear Locus in his mind.

"How am I unfortunate?"

"Why did you do that? You know better than to trust anyone."

"I'm not a soldier, I am a monster. I gave up the illusion almost a year ago. I have something better now."

"What happened to you, your obedience?"

"I'm not doing this because anyone told me to. I'm doing this for me, and because of her. You are a monster."

"If I am a monster, then that would mean you are too. I am you, you are me." Sam hesitantly touched the X on his helmet, then touched his own scar. Guilt filled his heart as he threw the helmet across the room, wondering why he chose to lie to Marina about how he actually got his scar.

"Go away, I need to sleep." Sam bitterly responded to his own reflection as he got up to get ready for bed.

---

Sam hid his head under his pillow, thinking that he could shut himself in pitch black as if it was a baby's lullaby. He checked his clock to see it was only three in the morning, two hours before he must leave to meet Martin for patrol. He growled, realizing that he only got 5 hours of sleep, not nearly enough for how exhausted he was. A boiling rage began to fill his mind as he got up, suited up in his local militia armor, and left, abandoning his militia issued pistol.

He marched to the park, and pinned a picture up onto a tree. He stood a few paces away, and sharply turned back around. He scowled at Felix's smiling face in the picture. Sam knew that smile anywhere, especially from the man Felix was: deceitful, narcissistic, manipulative, a psychotic man that ripped apart what Sam worked so hard to put back together. With the veins in his brain pulsing, his breathing quickened, his anger intensifying, Sam lined up his shots and started throwing blades at the tree. Only a few blades landed on the tree, but not on Felix.

"Why won't you just die, Felix? Why won't you leave me alone?" He whispered out his plea.

"Is that what you want to be?" Sam could suddenly hear Agent Washington's voice in his head, as if he was accusing him.

"W-What?" Sam looked up, as if he was being watched.

"You're a coward." Sam shook his head furiously.

"What am I doing that's cowardly now?"

"No matter how hard you may want to convince yourself, you're a machine, you're a monster."

"No! I-I gave it up!" Sam cradled his head in his hands as he fell to his knees, feeling the rush of oxygen leaving his lungs. Suffocating in his own guilt.

"You're too afraid to take responsibility for what you've done."

"No!" Sam shouted aloud, wondering if this is who he will always and forever will be. Hot tears stained his cheeks, sobbing, unable to reach for the freeing fresh breath of oxygen in the air.

"I swore off killing... I refuse to be a monster..." Sam quietly whimpered as he fell to his knees.

---

Martin was walking from his home towards the East entrance to the settlement to switch out with the night watch when he heard the faint sound of whimpering. He froze, realizing it was an odd sound to hear at night, especially since it sounded more masculine than feminine. Martin follows his ear to the park where he was met with a startling sight. There was Samuel on his knees, his back heaving, and he was struggling. He slowly approached the suffering man, but was startled by the words he was hearing from Sam.

"No, I swore off killing... No more killing... I refuse to be Locus anymore..." Martin struggled to swallow the ball that formed in his throat, but continued to cautiously approach him.

"Sam?" He didn't notice, but Martin kept creeping closer until he knelt right in front of the man. He calls out his name again, only to find himself in a painful position of being pinned. It hurt Martin to see the angry look on Sam's face, one that reminded him of a killer.

"Sam!" Martin saw that whatever spell Sam was under, he was brought back to reality. He soon gasped as he quickly released Martin from the painful lock he was being held in. Sam quickly backed away.

"Martin, I-I am so sorry!" Martin sighs, but chuckles as he stands up, and helps Sam to his feet.

"I knew you were strong, Samuel, but my gosh no one has ever pinned me that quickly before. Are you alright?" Martin places a hand on Sam's shoulder, which earned him a sigh from the conflicted man.

"No... I'm not. Martin, am I human?" Martin looked at him questioningly.

"You are, Samuel. Why?" Sam shook his head.

"I thought if I suddenly gave it all up, I could find myself again. I thought if I gave up who I was as Locus, I could relearn and reteach myself who I was and am: Samuel Ortez. It still haunts me, Martin." Martin's questioning gaze was suddenly turned to concern for the man.

"What do you mean?" Sam slowly backed away from Martin, away from arms reach, and looked to him with fear and anger in his eyes.

"I swore off killing since betraying my partner, leaving him to die. He was toxic, and manipulated me to become a monster, the one you see before you. It would seem, I still am a monster, but how?" Martin sighed, but he came over to Sam, and placed both of his hands on Sam's shoulders.

"Did you know I was once a space pirate? I found a thrill and a purpose of raiding cargo ships, turning in bounties, even dealing in young women in the black market. I met my wife when I was on a prison ship, where she was one of the correctional officers. I could never understand why she would ever want a monster like me, but something clicked. She waited for me, helped me heal, and helped me find a new purpose," Sam had a look of disbelief in his eyes, but it was filled with hope which caused Martin to smile. "You may think you are Sam, but you are not. I can tell you've been broken for a long time. Remember one thing: it's something to acknowledge and deny, it's another to acknowledge and accept. It's part of growing up by owning what you've done." Sam nodded, his smile returning, along with his confidence.

"You seem to know my pain, Martin."

"You are my friend, Sam. I am here, so is my wife, even my son looks up to you. Now, let's start our shift." They walk to the entrance, where they find the night watch pair waiting for them. They switched out and began their patrol.

"Remember when I told you in a past life I was Locus?"