Over Again (Niall Horan Fanfiction)

Let go

Some songs to listen to: Zoe Wees-Control, Niall Horan-So long, Peter Manos-In My Head

I feel my hand sliding down and before it does I snap out of some weird-ass dream. I feel exhausted and the thought of that really happening causes goosebumps all over my body. I stretch out and lie there just for one minute before I open my eyes. I feel so warm and comfortable, I wish to never be parted from comfort like this!

My eyes try adjusting as the light hits them gently. I feel something heavy down at my legs as I try sitting up. What the hell? My eyes open and close immediately, shifting myself back onto the couch.

'O, dear God.' I say quietly to myself so that I don't wake him up. I prop myself up to look at him. His head lies on my legs, ah his hand hugs them, holding me carefully. I don't even remember coming here. I try standing up and not waking him. I quickly pushed the pillow under his head so he wouldn't fall down.

I get down on my knees and look at him for a second. His face is puffy and his hair messy. Just by looking at him, I feel overwhelmed. He makes me feel everything I couldn't even if he doesn't touch me. How is it possible for a human to have such an impact on another? With other people, I know that they don't even realize how bad I am. So it's easy to make myself believe in it also. I just pretend along, forgetting about my feelings. With that act I push everything away, and when it's time to feel something I can't. When I get so scared of something, I shut it all down. The capability of sensitivity, compassion, sadness, it's all gone. People think that I'm like that on purpose but no one sees the inside. I want to break down in front of Jenny and cry into her lap as I tell her everything, I want to come home and tell my mom how I really feel so that I could get it off my chest. But when you are surrounded by people that don't see you, you look pass everything too.

It's been a long time since my mind went to such lengths. I feel anxiety coming through as it gets deeper. I stand up looking around, trying to get out, now! I slide the huge window and step outside. Jesus Christ! An astonishing yard surrounds his house, the grass is perfectly cut and the trees look very artsy. The sky is gray but still, it doesn't fail to amaze me. Everything that involves him can't. I tried to ignore that fact, but I can't. He makes me think, makes me want to feel. It's been so long since I even wanted to. Things were so fucked up I didn't know how to handle it if I thought about it. I remember when Henry said that Chuck was married. In my heart, I always knew that he wasn't the one. With each passing day, we were far more away from each other. He made me feel, well actually that's the thing, he didn't. I knew how I should have felt in each situation, but I couldn't. I thought that that's how it's supposed to be, but with him, it's the opposite. I look back into the house and catch him still sleeping. He is here every single time when I need him, even if I don't know it. It's so strange but he finds his way to me each time.

A loud ringtone coming from my hands scares me.

'I heard you left for your honeymoon in a rush.' The despise I feel for this man could never fail me.

'Tell her whatever the hell you want.' This time there is no going back. 'Tell her what we both did, make sure to leave no details out because once I tell her everything, it's over for both of us.' I know how it feels to lose something, he doesn't.

'You really think I would risk the relationship with my daughter over a little incident that happened?' How does he never fail to piss me off every single time!?

'Stop pretending, God! There won't be any favours, no more lies and no more communication! I'll fulfil my part of the agreement to the end from NY. Once the contract is over, stay the fuck away from me!' His laugh sends shivers of terror over my body, making me scared, thinking about his capability of bad things.