Another way to life!

"Pain'' refines the souls

Last Note to pain ; (16 years old girl)

A ''rape victim'' was my new identity. They say we can be ''whatever we want to be'' but this wasn't something I ever wished for . No body can imagine such thing which I had to live. Did it happen only once ? No ! It happened again and again when people (no.......... they were not just people) they were my family, my friends and my relatives, they talked about the incident like it was a sensational news, sometimes in such an insensitive way that it made me feel like I was the one who had sinned !

What was I before all this ? just an ordinary 16 years old school going girl. One who thought of getting married and being get settled with a nice guy. Then one day, someone who used to visit my house and trusted by my family, raped me. Initially, the scars were visible and they reminded me that pain and the feeling of helplessness. After some time, the scars vanished from my body but pain did not go away. Looking at myself in the mirror is not the same anymore, the house am living in isn't the same anymore and even the people who were use to love me aren't the same anymore. What was it ? why was it ? I have never thought of this life ....... So, why I had to live it ??????? I didn't want to live with this damaged identity ! 

I decided not to live with myself anymore. I tried to kill myself several times and ended up opening my eyes at hospital's bed. I would have died, if someone had not put a question in front of me. That question was "Is death gonna fix your damaged identity ? " answer was 'BIG NO' and it was clear. Yet it took me four months to understand this. Journey wasn't easy as going back to same environment, same people and same conversations where either blamed for it or given few kind words, sometimes words only and other times ......... sound unkind ! 

I have learnt few other things too, it was only my sister who was helping me to live and wanted me to have a better life. Though I also had brothers, they were not my strength. I realized if I gave up, my sister would lose too. I mustered up some courage and had some hope to live again. My hope is that maybe, someday people will understand that I didn't deserve to suffer this and it is not my fault. This hope is important to survive and I have decided to take this way for another life. 

Last note to my dead self; (17 years old girl )  

Dear me, 

you died three years ago and I carried you along with me every day, everywhere. Today is the day, I have finally decided not to carry your burden anymore. You were betrayed and raped, you kept it a secret as it was your fault. You did not cry out loud or shared it with anyone. You let the pain eat you alive because you were so afraid to admit that you had chosen the wrong person, trusted the wrong person. But let me tell you it did not kill you. What killed you is 'YOU' because you kept looking for something to get rid of this pain and you had chosen wrong again ''suicide'' and people thought it was about your bad grades. You enshroud it so well, but you could not make it (life) better to live with. With your last attempt, you died and I don't regret this. After every demolition, we can be a new creation. That is where I came from. I took a leap between two possibilities of "can be" or "can't be" I held you, embraced you and all of your pain too. I sat with you in your last moments and heard you all, so you can die in peace. 

This new ''me'' see the whole universe as a universe of possibility. Nothing is absolute in this universe. Nothing and no one is absolutely good, bad, evil or saint. We all are in a flux, so am I. No happenstance, no failure or loss defines me, I am a whole being with experiences and lots of lessons learned. My dead self suffered in silence, so I decided to hear the silence of others. My dead self wanted to be heard, so I decided to hear those who are suffering around. My dead self wanted a change around herself so I am the change for others. I let the past go by forgiving him (rapist) when he came for forgiveness and it set me free. I don't bother to think if I deserve this or not. My focus is what I am going to be now. I see myself in the future, standing for those who suffer and I took another way to this life.