Santana Lopez and the new girl

Part 5- secrets

Santana and i talked a lot, we became really close. We went to coffee together, hung out at my place and hung out at her place. I guess i could call her my best friend now? I told her a lot more than id ever told Tina. The thing is though, when Quinn, or any of the cheerios were around, she acted like i was just some kind of annoying person she barely spoke to. None of that mattered though because i meant something to her. I was in english when she texted me. "Hey, wanna come 2 mine after school?"
"Don't you have cheer?" I texted back.
She texted back pretty quickly, "Umhhh no, ill explain later"
"Okay see you then :)"

School finished and she was waiting for me at the gates. Only something was different... She wasn't surrounded by cheerios, she was talking to Tina.
"Hey T? Watcha doing?" I asked suspiciously.
"Hey Annie.... We all need to talk." Tina said. Why was she being so serious? I looked to Santana. But she wouldn't look back at me. Something was going on.
"You didn't?" I asked as my stomach dropped and my legs started to shake. I was becoming anxious. Surely she couldn't have told Tina everything?
"Im sorry, i just, i don't want you to do it again. I cant bear to see you hurting!"
"But you promised!" I said a bit pathetically, but she did promise and now she had broken it.
Now she looked me in the eye "i know i did, I'm sorry but you have to understand we are here to help."
I couldn't bear it anymore, i trusted her and she had now broken my trust. I couldn't believe it.
"No Santana, YOU don't understand! You know the story, i've spent years with this as a secret i don't need people to know about it now! I thought i could trust you Santana i-i" i knew what i meant, i was slowly falling for her. Of course i wouldn't say it though, instead i turned and walked away, with tears in my eyes. I heard Tina shouting something to me in the distance as i walked, but slowly it faded into nothing. I'd left them behind. I'd left Santana behind.

I called my mom and she picked me up outside breadstix. I got home and tears just started rolling out. I had something special with Santana and i was so mad at her for doing that, but i was also mad at myself for walking out. My feelings for her were still growing and i was also mad at myself for that. Holy shit what was i thinking? Why did i let these feelings grow? How stupid could i be? I was crying over a GIRL! This shouldn't be happening what's wrong with me!?
I got into the shower and washed away the tears. When i got out something caught my eye; a box of spare razor blades. It was completely full, I'm sure my mom wouldn't notice if one went missing...

I went back to my room and sat on my bed, and took a good look at myself in the mirror. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I didn't have to do this. I knew that if i did and anyone found out they would blame themselves. "You don't have to do this." I whispered to myself. I was right, i didn't. But it had taken over every thought in my mind. The blade was already touching the skin on my stomach. Everything was screaming out at me. But they were all saying different things. "DO IT!" They told me "IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO!". But others screamed out for me to put the blade down and forget anything had ever happened. In the end one side of the argument took over.... In the end blood ran down my stomach, mixed with tears and a faint cry escaped my lips. I opened my eyes and looked at myself in the mirror. This wasn't who i was. I saw on my stomach what i had carved into myself with my own blood... "GAY"
I wiped away the blood and slid to the ground, with my back on the wall. I didn't sleep that night. Her face wouldn't leave my mind. Was this who i was? I didn't know anymore. All i knew is that when i was crying, it was a lot less painful with her arms around me. Here on my own, in my dark empty room, it just felt endless and painful.