I should hate him. I should want nothing but the absolute worst for him. I should want him to be a miserable shell for the rest of his life, never knowing what happiness is or never being able to keep it. Whichever would be worse. I should find out every bad thing that's happened to him-every bad thing he's brought on himself- and feel happy about it.
But I don't.
When I imagine his face, I should frown. I shouldn't get lost thinking about his deep onyx eyes that were so dull, but lit up when he was determined. I shouldn't get caught up in the way his lips would be in their normal scowl, aside from the few times it would lift into the smallest smile that would make my heart melt. I shouldn't miss the way he stood, arms crossed like he would rather be anywhere else but there. He probably did-at first especially. I think we grew on him though;at least I like to think that. I should think of him and feel nothing but hatred at what he did to the village. What he did to me.
But I can't.
Despite everything that he's done, I can't hate him. I can't even stay upset at him. I'll think I'm strong, that I'm mad and I hate him and when-if-I see him again I'll be able to handle it. I'll hold my composure and knock some sense into him. At least giving him what he deserves. But it never works that way. Every time I see him I'm still a weak girl, my heart softening and wanting nothing more than to be acknowledged and cared for by him. The traitor. The rogue. The avenger. The monster.
I never thought I would think of the person I was in love with as a monster. But I dont know what else to say when it comes to him. He's tried to kill me, after all. Naruto, too. But still we stand, hoping. Supporting him. Waiting on him to wake up one day and realize exactly what hes been missing out on, and what's still waiting for him. Who's still waiting for him. But that isn't what he wants.
I'm not what he wants.
It's not like there's someone else he wants, not yet anyway. He's never been the type to take interest in women that way, only if they're useful or not. Despite all my hard work, he still didn't think I was useful enough to be any help. He would have rather killed me than have me help him. He really thinks I'm that useless.
All these are reasons why I should hate him, why I should believe that he's the monster everyone else thinks. He turned his back on us, he felt like we were nothing but a hindrance to him, his end goal. But I know I'll never think of him that way. Even if he kills me, I'll never be able to look at him as anything other than that lost boy, trying to do what he thinks he's supposed to do to avenge his family. To try and find the purpose in his life. I'll remember him as the boy who made my heart swoon doing nothing, who made Naruto strive to be the best he could in hopes of being better than him. The one who formed a bond of brothers without even trying to. The one who would always save me.
It may be stupid, but to me, he'll never be a monster.