For Emma

Chapter 10

So its Christmas now and I've probably tried on every dress I own... twice. I already called Jeff making sure its formal attire, but every time I see myself in a dress I grimace at the sight of my thin frame. I look at my skinny Madonna arms in my floor length mirror, and my bony legs not to mention that every dress seem to sag on my hips. Ew. I look to my closet at my jeans and sweaters and almost cry. What's up with people and dressing "up"; I would prefer my ripped up jeans and baggy sweaters over a dress and heals.  

After much fighting; I finally settle on a simple black spaghetti strapped dress, and laid it out on my bed. My phone buzzes on my desk. I peak at the name-Evan-I quickly press ignore and sigh. After yesterday I've tried to get any thought of Evan out of my mind, but with his constant text messages it's hard to. I can't even look at Sam's side of the room without the guilt crushing me from the inside out (not that I don't deserve it). I wipe tears off the screen of my phone. I didn't even realize I was crying.

Down stairs I finally get a glimpse of my mom off the couch without a can of beer in her hand. She smiles when she sees me standing in the kitchen-yes, actually smiles. "Hey, which dress should I wear tonight?" She holds up a red dress with elbow length sleeves in her right hand and a navy blue, spaghetti strapped, knee length dress in her left.

"Definitely the red one." I struggle a smile but I fear it came out more like a grimace.

She comes over and hugs me tightly, "I'm excited for tonight; I really want to meet this boy." Why did I have to feel like crap during the only day I've seen my mom sober since Sam died? Did I just answer my own question?

"I'm glad you're coming." I turn out of her arms and walk to the refrigerator for an apple. After rinsing it I take a huge bite spraying juice all over my face. I get two mugs and fill them with coffee. I hand one of the mugs to my mother and take a seat at the table. She sits across from me and slowly sips from her mug. I keep my eyes on the window where snow is slowly falling in piles against the window. I feel her eyes on me and I hate that I can't bring myself to look at her.

Slowly I peal my eyes off the window and bring them to meet my mother's. She has Sam's hair, or Sam had her hair. Long blond waves with thick strands that curve under her chin on either side of her heart shape face. It's like looking into a slightly weathered version of Sam. I took after dad. He had dark brown hair and brown eyes. I remember Sam talking about genes that gave her blond hair and me brown hair last year when she took biology. I watch my tears fall onto the table and begin counting each one as it hits the table. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven... they start coming too fast and now my eyes are coated in a salty blur.

I hear her sigh heavily, "what time does this party start?" I hear her say along with the sounds of her getting out of her chair and the screech of the chair being slid underneath the table.

"Seven," I say quietly.

"Okay, it's six thirty; time to get ready." She claps her hands together, grabs her dress and leaves the kitchen.

I leisurely find my way up the stairs. After I slide into my dress I go into Sam's and my small bathroom. I curl my hair put on some eyeliner and mascara and lip gloss. I look at myself for a minute. I haven't worn make up in a while and find it hard to recognize myself even though I barely put any on. I spin around and grab my navy blue heels. After slipping them on I hurry down stairs where my mother is already waiting. She's in the red dress with black heels she also barely put any make up on besides lip stick.

***

Jeff house is full of people not to mention the outside is surrounded by cars. Inside Jeff meets me and my mom at the door. He smiles from ear to ear when he sees me. I watch him shake my mom's hand as I introduce them. Jeff's mother suddenly appears in front of us. She grabs my mother and takes her to the crowd of people leaving Jeff and I alone.