The Fiche List

Chapter One

Get cream pie in the face

I stared warily at Sean’s face, contemplating whether the consequences of bolting would be worse then the option of remaining stock-still. He was grinning almost manically, and Lea wasn’t much better; only I couldn’t see half her face for the camera she had pointed straight at me. 

“You filming?” Sean called over his shoulder, refusing to take his gleeful eyes off me.

“Uh huh.”

Defying the limits facial muscles had before they became locked in place, or so my mother would say, the corners of Sean’s massive grin stretched even closer to his ears as he raised his right hand, arched his arm back, and sent the silver pie tin full of a mountain of whipped cream straight at my horrified face. The pair of them erupted into a cacophony of laughter as the bright summer’s day was blocked from my view as my face became buried in a pile of marshmallow shit. For that was what I had decided the white mountain looked like once Sean had forced the last dregs out of the can of whipped cream. 

“If marshmallows could consume meringue, that is what their shit would look like,” I’d declared as I took in the cartoon-doggie-poo-sculpted mound when he’d finished. 

“I’d be on cloud nine ‘cause it tastes fucking awesome.” Sean grabbed the other can and squirted it straight into his mouth. He’d then grabbed Lea’s face and covered her mouth with his, making exaggerated moans as he so selflessly shared his dessert with her. 

I screwed my face up in disgust. “Ew, ew, ew. Get a room.”

They broke apart with goofy smiles, licking their lips to clean off the cream. 

“You know you want some, Fiche. Don’t play the grossed out card, ‘cause we know you’re not.”

I narrowed my eyes at him through my still screwed-up expression. 

“You know you look like your namesake when you do that,” Lea laughed. 

I pursed my lips and kissed them open and closed.

“And now it’s really obvious why your mum named you after her goldfish,” Sean burst out laughing.

I dropped the act and wiped my expression blank before smiling. “Yeah, ‘cause she was so original with naming things.” I rolled my eyes. “Most people outgrow the tendency to impart really obvious names to their belongings by the time they’re, like, eight. But Mum, oh, no, she was still naming her goldfish ‘Fish’ in her twenties and when the fish died while she was in labour, since she couldn’t be bothered to deal with two other life forms besides herself and my brother she simply decided to make her new baby their new pet, who since obviously wasn’t a fish just called her that so there was no discrepancy.” I rolled my eyes again.

“Yet the fact you can look so much like a fish just reassures us she’s not so far off the handle.”

“No, it reassures us that the handle she’s not so far off is a kiddie’s fish face handle on a drawer full of things that should remain in your childhood and not be brought into adulthood.” 

“Oh, don’t be so pessimistic, Fiche. We all secretly wish we weren’t the millionth girl called Sarah or the millionth boy called Harry, and besides, quirky names like yours are a real trend, since they’re becoming more popular than the usual ones.”

“Yeah, names like ‘Skyler’, ‘Thaddeus’, ‘London’, ‘Sydney’, ‘India’, etc. Not your damn goldfish.”

“But you have celeb’s kids, like Blanket, Pillow, Banjo, Tu Morrow, Peaches, Apple, Jermajesty, Denim, Diezel, Pirate, Hero, Camera…. you know, you could actually make sentences out of these kids’ names. ‘When the Pirate Hero arrives clad in Denim Tu Morrow, give him a Blanket and a Pillow, makes sure he has enough Diezel for his ship, feed him Peaches and an Apple, and don’t forget to use your Camera, Jermajesty.’” Lea ticked the names off on her fingers as she went, while Sean and I cackled away in the background. She looked up at us, put her hands on her hips, and tried to fight back a smile with a scowl. “Are you laughing at me? Well, then. Look who’s laughing now.” She grabbed the can of whipped cream and shoved the nozzle in my open mouth, quickly filling it up with the marshmallow shit.