The Fiche List

Chapter Six

51. Go berry picking dressed like scarecrows

"This is ridiculous. How do you guys even come up with this shit?" Sean asked with his hands on his hips as he surveyed our piles of checkered shirts, old overalls, straw hats, hay, baling twine, sunflowers, and random scraps of fabric scattered around in Lea's backyard.

Lea and I glanced at each other, then shrugged.

He sighed. "So how exactly do you plan to make us look like scarecrows and not farmers? I do not consent to having my clothes stuffed with hay all day."

"That's what the scraps of fabric are for."

He waited for more, but I liked frustrating him and didn't explain further. "Elaborate."

"Well, Sean, we'll stitch on patches of fabric to the overalls which we'll stuff with hay so it looks like the hay is poking out of holes. And we'll cut holes in the hats and stuff hay in those. And we'll tie hay to our sleeve cuffs. Haven't you seen Mrs. Harrison's Old Bob stuck out in her front yard?"

He frowned. "Yes."

"You shouldn't have to ask, then."

Sean sneered at me. I mimicked him.

"Do you realise she talks to him?" We glanced reluctantly away from our face off at Lea, confused. "I saw her walk over to Duckies' after we left this morning, and she gave him a pat on the shoulder before she went as she glanced around her garden and praised him! Old Bob is full of straw and getting more attention then Elvis!"

I laughed. Elvis was the middle-aged man who lived at the end of our street, so named because he always had his hair slicked back with a bottle of oil and thought he was God's gift to women. Repulsive creature in tailored suits with a salesman's annoying persistence. Ugh. Duckie lived across from Mrs. Harrison on the next street over; two old ladies with not much to do except jabber about the to-ings and fro-ings of everyone in the neighbourhood. Duckie got her nickname because she looked like a duck. She had the duck-face pout permanently. She waddled like a duck. She owned ducks. We liked to imagine the inside of her house was full of little duck figurines, too. That was because instead of gnomes lining her driveway, you guessed it, she had ducks. That age-old thing of people looking like their pets was taken to a whole new level with Duckie.

"You got this stuff off Harrison, then?"

We nodded. As one might have guessed, where Duckie was obsessed with ducks, Harrison was obsessed with her garden. She had a freaking scarecrow in the suburbs!

Sean leaned over and picked up one of the long-sleeved shirts and put it on over his tee. He glanced at the overalls Lea held out to him and down at his jeans, then pulled a cocky smirk my way and chose to drop them. As soon as his hands went to his zipper I slapped my hand over my eyes and looked away.

"Sean!" I groaned as he burst out laughing. "Ew! Just, no." I shuddered for dramatic effect.

"Relax, Fiche. I'm wearing boxers." He couldn't keep the laughter out of his voice.

Lea started to make a comment I knew I never wanted to hear, so I turned completely around and slapped my hands over my ears this time. You never could completely trust those two in a situation like this. I didn't want an eyeful or earful if they decided to tease me.

When someone yanked a hat down over my head, I let my hands drop but kept my eyes squeezed shut. "Is it safe yet?"

More laughter. Sigh.

Lea grabbed my face with both hands and pressed my cheeks together. I opened my eyes and frowned at her. "We love you."

I batted her hands away. "Go away."