Hold on and Hope

soul mates

Maisie

What is a soul mate, and how do you get one?

A couple of years ago my answer to these questions would be to go to the places you love. Then maybe, you'd meet your compatible other, the one for you. I also used to believe that there was one person for everyone, and everyone else you'd meet were learning curves.

How stupid was I?

Ask me it now and I'd tell you that your chances of meeting the perfect person for you is one in a 7.594 billion. And that's if there is the perfect person for you.

Don't get me wrong, many people find love with someone who they wish to spend the rest of their life with. Good for them. But then again, look at the role model of a father I have. He can't even love his own daughter.

Maybe I'm just being selfish with my answer and only thinking about my situation, after all, people have found their 'soulmates'. (If the concept of soulmates even works). But how could anyone love me? More importantly, how could I trust anyone to the point where I allow myself to invest everything into them?

Answer: it simply can't be done.

I sit on my bed, gazing out of my window as my thoughts ponder over the ridiculous thoughts about love.

It's Friday and as per usual I don't have anything to do. I'm pretty used to it though, seeing as I pushed away or lost all my friends.

I shake my head, trying to stop myself from sitting in misery and self pity. After all, it won't get me anywhere in life.

I'm broken away from my deep trance when a low buzzing is heard from my school back. I hurry over and grab my phone out, seeing that Harrison is calling.

My initial thought is to answer, like any normal person would, unless of course you were desperately trying to avoid the caller. But then I stop myself. I need to keep a distance between us. If not for me, but for Harrison's sake. How would he feel if I let him in only for him to find out everything surrounding me is a huge lie?

He ringing stops for a second, and the image of Harrison's disappointed face from earlier surfaces my mind. My heart felt like it was being pulled down by guilt, and so when he began calling again I quickly answered.

"Hey Mais." He says and I smile a little, despite my efforts to keep a monotonous expression. I've never had a nickname before.

"Hi Harrison." I say shyly. I wish I wasn't a shy and controlled person, but I suppose years of trauma can do that to a person.

I don't use 'hate' often because it's such a strong word. However, if there's something I really hate it's the fact that I can easily remind myself of my horror of a life. I hate how I've gotten used to it being an every day thing, casual and repetitive.

"There's this party tonight and i was wondering if you are free or not." He half asks and half states. I feel a slight panic spread over me as I consider my options.

I've never been to a party before, and I don't have the clothes or experience. But on the other hand I am trying to make friends, and if partying is what Harrison does then maybe it'd be good to go.

I sigh in frustration- I'm so confused by my feelings. One moment my head is instructing me to keep barriers up, but the next my heart reminds me of how alone I am.

"Yeah, I mean I've never been to a party and I'm not sure what to wear-" I stop myself, not wanting to trouble him with my insignificant problems.

"It's fine." He says with strong reassurance in his voice, along with a little surprise. I suppose he didn't expect me to agree, I didn't expect myself to either if I'm being honest. "Wear whatever you're comfortable in."