Christopher Velez Imagines

16. worthless

(Trigger warning) 

As I lay in bed, I trace the several stretch marks and nasty old scars on my tummy with my index finger, looking blankly at the white ceiling above me. I felt disgusted with myself.

Why was Chris even with me? He has a whole future ahead of him. He's gorgeous. He has millions of girls begging at his feet, gorgeous ones, beautiful ones, normal ones.

I was just waiting for the moment he would leave me. Tell me I'm not good enough for him. Tell me there's someone else. Someone better. Because I already knew it. I was just waiting for him to realize it too.

I started craving the feeling of sharp, cold metal leaving slashes in my pale skin. Not many understood self-harm. The reasoning behind it, why people did it. But I did.

It's like drowning. You're trapped under water, and no matter how hard your arms push or how your legs kick, you just can't get up. You feel helpless.

But then there's those few seconds of air. Those few gasps of oxygen you get when you push hard enough, the relief you feel, the feeling of peace throughout your body. But then you just get pulled under again. And you try to fight it. But sometimes, your fight just isn't good enough.

That's what I felt. Every. Single. Day. Chris was my only escape. Those few days I get to see him while he's not on tour? That's my relief. But now he wasn't here with me, by my side, his arms wrapped around my small body, whispering lyrics into my ear as I fell asleep in his grasp. I had no relief.

I shot out of bed, my eyes dark and my body stiff, trying to get the pounding questions in my head from leaving bruises on my brain. I was getting tired of this. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't breathe without him by my side and it was getting old. Chris didn't need a helpless little girl following him and being so damn clingy.

Silently walking over to my small bathroom, I grab the single shiny blade I secretly hid under my bathroom mat the day Chris made me flush them down the toilet. I wanted to be strong for him. I tried to be strong for him. But I guess I just wasn't strong enough.

You're weak, I said to myself as I twirled the tiny piece of metal in my fingertips. You're ugly, you're worthless, you're nothing, you're broken.

I had enough. I crawled inside the bathtub, slowly tracing the ugly words into my body. The stinging felt so, so good. I could finally get those few gasps of air, finally breathe, but just like drowning, it was soon all over.

The pain hit me all at once, like a slap to the face, my legs and wrists burning. My throat locked up and sobs left my mouth when I had seen what I had done to my body. Blood was everywhere, to the point where I couldn't ever see my own skin anymore. My hands shook as I dropped the blade, picking up my phone and dialing Chris's number, smearing the red liquid all over my screen. He answered after the fourth buzz.

"Y/n?" It's three in the morning, what's up?" he mumbled groggily. I could almost imagine him rubbing his brown eyes, slowly getting up, upset that someone had woken him up.

"Chris please help me," I cried into the phone, my sobs getting louder and louder as I began to get dizzy, my vision blackening. I could hear the alarm in his voice.

"I'll be there in less than a minute, please don't move babygirl, I love you. Don't hurt yourself. For me," he pleaded, hanging up

...

It was too late by the time Chris got to my house. I'd already lost too much blood. I was left to be found in the red stained bathroom, my body drowned in my own blood, with the words etched into my skin. I died happily though, The last thing I saw before the darkness overcame me was my Chris's face, and the last thing that left my lips was "I'll always love you more, Chris."

I died with him knowing he was my whole world, that he was the one that kept me clean for two whole years. That he was the one who had made me happy for two whole years.

And I think that's all that mattered. 

--- 

woah, this one's a lot to take in. This one is super sad, but I really enjoyed it because it's something that not a lot of people talk about. If any of you ever need someone to talk to about this, or anything in general, I am here for each and every one of you. I hope you can trust me. 

                                                                                                                                   lots of love, mariam.