BitterSweet Lies (Niall Horan Fanfic)

Chapter 52

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Kia

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It's been two days. Two entire days and I still feel as helpless and flat out shitty as I did two days ago. I wanted to be strong, stubborn, whatever you want to call it... I wanted to let Niall know if he was going to walk out of my life and leave, I ask one thing of him. That once he's gone and see that I’m doing fine, to not dare come back.

But how could I? I have a daughter with him, things just aren't as simple, they haven't been since the last time he told me it wasn't me. Somehow this time was different. I almost wish he would have yelled and called me names like the last time, I feel like it would have been easier to walk away from if he had done so.

As soon as I turned and walked away two nights ago I felt all the air rush out of my lungs, I just ended up back in my hotel room crying the entire night. I don't think people realize that it takes everything in me not to call Niall, I wish I could just run to him. I don't think people see that when I am done and completely had it, I almost do go and run to him...I almost do.  

Luckily for me Aoife Belle was at a sleep over with Lou and Lux. She loved spending time with them, and I desperately needed a night of wallowing because hell at the end of the day I am still a beaten down girl with a broken heart. 

I felt so pathetic two nights ago, I was just lying in bed with the door locked. The curtains were drawn and the lights off.  I was feel so down that all I wanted to was cry and I did, which is probably why I put the notebook on the telly. I even had an empty tub of ice cream on the floor next to the dozens of crumpled tissues. I had my saddest music blasting, it was so loud at one point, so no one could hear my sobs. My fingertips were smudged with black from wiping away my mascara-stained tears. I sat there is my self pity and I kept replaying out last conversation, thinking I’ll never get him back. That's the sad truth isn't it I'll never get him back because to him I'll always come in second to Barbara. She is what he wanted and she is what makes him happy. How could I compete with that? Yet I layed in bed thinking I’m in my bed, he's in his bed...one of us is in the wrong place.

So here I sit two days later, getting ready to almost go on stage secretly stealing every glance I can of Niall without him noticing. Even thought he was across the room from me it felt like there was miles of distance between us, but then again that's what I wanted right? I wanted him far away from me as I possibly can, at least that's what I keep trying to remind myself. 

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Niall

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It's been two days. Two fucking entire days since the last time we talked. Ever since then it's been distant nods and a yes or so if I am lucky. Either than that I haven't spoken to Kia and it has been driving me crazy.  I still feel as cowardly and defeated as I did just two days ago.

Fuck I wish I was strong and more stubborn enough to tell Kia how I really felt, instead I just hiding my feelings. I wanted to grab her as she walked away and tell her that I was wrong to make her think that Barbara could even compare to her, because to me Kia was everything I wanted and needed. That I want her the way she wants me and that I needed her to stay, because we do work together. That her, Aoife and I are a family. It might not have a simple but it's ours, and even though she might not believe me at first, I would prove to her that once I held her back in my arms there's no way in hell would I ever let her go. But I didn't, I just let her walk away again...

I regret every day the things I said to her the first time around, I knew I couldn't make that same mistake again. I just couldn't bring myself to call her a single name or say anything bad to her. The only thing I could really manage to think or say was sorry. 

It's weird you and kid yourself and be in a "relationship", if you can even call what Barbara and I have, for two years and feel nothing, yet in just the first two months I had Kia back in my life I felt everything. Luckily when I got back to my hotel room, Barbara was gone. All she left was a note telling me that she was willing to give me some space. Which only made me feel even worse because I really shouldn't have raised my voice at her.

 I felt so useless two nights ago, I ended up sitting on the edge of my bed with the door locked. The curtains were drawn and the lights off. I tried distracting myself and had Call of Duty in the hotel's Xbox system they had set up for the guys and I. The controller was laying on the floor right beneath the spot where I nearly punched the wall out of my own frustration. I had my music blasting so loud so nobody could hear my pathetic cries. My hair was a complete mess from running my hands through it.  I sat there the entire night just staring at that spot on the wall as I replayed over and over again our last conversation, thinking she’ll never take me back. But then again why would she? I have managed to completely fuck up with her in every possible way I can. There's is no way she would ever take me back... How am I suppose to live with that? Yet I sat in bed thinking I’m in my bed, she's in her bed... one of us is in the wrong place.

Fuck, now it's two days later and I am stealing glances of her getting ready, before we go on stage, wishing that I could just talk to her. The room isn't even big at all but the distance between us is endless. You can't have her, I keep reminding myself, but it's no fucking use because at the end of the day my heart will always belong to her. 

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Wahhh, I know ...I know why can't they just be happy together!!! I hope you lovelies are enjoying the new chapters. I am happily on my way in recovery which is amazing to think of where I was a couple of months ago. Anyways pulling the attention back on the story I know I always say this but I can't truely thankyou guys enough, please make sure you keep on reading / sharing / voting / commenting on the story!! I really do love you all 

xxMyTeenAgeConfessions