I have always felt a deep sense of self loathing... But I have a achieved a whole new level of despising my self. Of course I can't tell (Y/N) that, she would go on and on with all her bull shit on how I'm worth it and whatever. I'm not. I'm really not.
It's all my fault....... All my fault that (Y/N) can't hunt anymore. All my fault. I have no excuse. Sam says there was nothing we could do. But there is. If I had just called Gabriel. Or some other angel we are on good(ish) terms with.
"Dean," her soft voice calls from the living room. She yanks me from my thoughts at the kitchen table. I stand, and go to her. It is my fault after all.
"I'm here, baby," I say quietly placing my hands on her shoulders, where she sits on the couch staring at the blank television set.
She takes my hand and pulls me around the arm of the couch."Sit down with me," she says...
So I do, but as soon as I look up the guilt hits me again. I try to hide my pained expression, but then remember I don't have to.... (Y/N) can't see me anymore... She's perfectly blind, and wears black out shades.
She holds one hand, and follows my arm up to my shoulder with the other. Tracing across my chest to find my other arm. Finally trailing down my arm, to hold both of my hands together.
"Where did Dean go?" She suddenly asks.
"I'm right here (Nickname),"
"No you're not. You aren't Dean. If you were Dean, we would be laughing and talking. Or pulling a prank or something. So... Where is my Dean?"
"It's still me (Y/N)," I try to add in a laugh to lighten the mood but I can't....
"No it's not. You're too quiet. And... I don't know... You have a darker air about you now. Like your aura is unhappy,"
"Now don't go getting all cryptically on me (Nickname),"
"I'm not. I'm telling you the truth. Something is wrong. And I need to know what it is," she uses one hand to hover up to my cheek and cradle it. She smiles gently. "Come on Dean, I might be blind. But I can still tell when something is wrong with my boyfriend. And it's still my job to help you make it better,"
I leg out a deep sigh, but still lean into her touch, relishing in it's familiar comfort. Before I realize what's happening, my mouth is moving without my permission.
"It's all my fault (Y/N),"
She laughs.
"That's ridiculous, Dean. There was nothing you could do about it. This wasn't anything that has to do with the Supernatural,"
"But I could have done something about it, (Y/N)! Why didn't I do something about it?"
"Dean..."
"No, (Y/N)! I will never get to see your beautiful eyes again. And it's all my fault. You are never going to get to see all the little things you like again. And it ALL. MY. FAULT."
She was very quiet, and she pulled her hand away from my face.
"Now you listen to me, Dean Winchester," her voice suddenly stern and full of power. "This was a disease. Something that happens to perfectly normal people. This is not your fault. And if you had... I dunno... Called that idiot Gabriel and tried to fix this. I would have said no. This was my choice Dean. And I'm not suffering from the consequences. I am actually enjoying "seeing" the world in this new way. The only one suffering here. Is you,"
"Baby..."
"Don't "Baby" me, Dean. I don't want you to give me bull shit excuses about this,"
Her word well places and commanding
"Come with me," she said standing up, and picking up her cane, and taking me hand again.
She led me down some halls of the bunker, and into a room of never been in. Inside the room, and grand piano. She went over to it, and sat down.
"My whole life, I wanted to be a pianist. But I couldn't learn. I couldn't memorize all the little keys because they all LOOKED the same,"
She began to dance her fingers across the keys, eliciting beautiful music from the instrument.
"But now. I've leaned a thing or two. And I l've taught myself to play, by ear." She continued the melodic little piece. "Don't you see Dean?"
Her face alight with a genuine smile.
"My blindness, has granted me one of my biggest wishes. It's helped me fulfill my dream!"
I practically floated into the room, and sat down beside her.
"What do you dream of now?"
"I don't know yet. Because right now, I'm reveling in the beauty of my first dream?"
"Wasn't I the first?" I joked.
Suddenly she stopped playing and threw her arms around me.
"Dean you're back!" She cried out. She kissed what she had judged to be my lips, but missed and got the left side of my lips and cheek. "MY Dean, always makes jokes and flirts shamelessly. I like MY Dean better than the other one,"
