For the Better

Chapter 1

The sound of abrupt, steady banging worked its way into my dreams and woke me up from my slumber. I sat up straight in my bed and reached for the clock on my nightstand. My eyes struggled to adjust and make out the bright green figures.
2:06 AM.
"What the fuck?" I muttered. Pulling the covers back, I wearily rose to my feet. I stepped out anxiously into the corridor leading to the living room and front door of my suburban apartment. The banging became clear as day with each step I took closer to the front door. I started to feel sick. Nothing good could be this urgent at this ungodly hour, I thought. I peeped through the peephole and squinted as a dark figure became more clear to my pupils. "Oh, my god." I whispered. I fiddled with the locks and gingerly opened the door. My heart was practically beating out of my chest as I pulled back the door to find my ex-boyfriend standing in front of me.
He raised his head from the concrete to look at me. His eyes met mine. It was like he was staring straight in my soul. I studied his whole being. His sharp features and build hadn't changed at all. The things that should have instantly captured my attention didn't. I was actually late to notice the significant amount of smeared blood on his clothes. The dried blood on his prized chain was what finally caught my attention.
He stared at me for what seemed like forever before he spoke.
"You gon' let me in or not?" I felt my body tense up. I couldn't take my eyes away from the blood splatter on his clothing. Soon, my nerves melted away, and annoyance took its place. This nigga had some nerve, showing up out the blue, making demands and shit. He always was the bold type. Making snide comments at the most inappropriate times was his M.O. It was pouring like hell, and I could see that his clothes were soaked. I studied every detail of his presence, from his body language and facial expression to his clothing. He had on that gray hoodie that I would proudly sport at all the basketball games in high school just to remind all the girls that he belonged to me. That hoodie remained my prized possession until the 26th of July in 1999. Everyone remembers meticulous dates in their lifetime because of certain events that might have taken place on that day. July 26th was very eventful for me. I left a lot behind that day.
"Please, 'Nita." His hoarse voice brought me back to reality. I don't know if it was the way my heart was set up, or his tone of voice, but something slowly compelled me to let him in. He stepped in and headed straight for a seat at the kitchen counter. Still studying him, I locked the door, and proceeded to the kitchen as well. I stood behind the counter. I couldn't pull my eyes off him. He truly looked fretful, burying his face in his hands. He did that when he was exhausted. Soon, I heard his voice chiming again with another request.
"What?"
"I said I need a place to stay for a little. Just for a little."
I glared at him, trying to figure out if he was really asking me this. After 3 years of a clean slate, he just returns to mess things up. He really had some fucking nerve.
I pulled up a chair next to him. "No, I can't. Jo, you can't stay here. How did you even find me?" I couldn't stop looking at him. He looked terrible. He lost a tremendous amount of weight, and that sad look in his eyes gave me a feeling I didn't like. The man I used to know and love was full of life, and he possessed the body of a God, sticking to a rigorous workout regime religiously. His eyes narrowed as he studied me right back.
"I can find anyone. You know that."
I glared at him incredulously.
"Look 'Nita, I got a lot going on right now, and I ain't got nowhere else to go." I sucked my teeth. My glare must have given him confirmation that he was on the verge of ending up out on that doorstep again, because his soft voice came back.  "I got myself into some hot shit. I need you, Anita please."
"I don't know what you've gotten yourself into, but I can't have this around me right now." I stood up to see him out, but he grabbed my wrist.
"I don't know how the fuck this happened, okay? Damn 'Nita."
Wow. Something had him shitting bricks. My curiosity peaked. Now, I had to know. I sat back down and waited for him to continue.
"So, I had a play to make last night, real simple, just deliver the goods, collect the cash, and this nigga fucked everything up. The nigga fucked up the whole plan. Now this nigga put 10 bands on my head " He leapt out of his seat and roamed around the room.
"Who put out a hit on you?"
"Fish!"
His hoarse answer sent a chill up my spine. All I could manage to let out was a harsh whisper.
"Jo, what the fuck did you do?"
Fish ran the streets of Southdale, the city we grew up in. He started selling at 11 when his mom put a pistol in her mouth. He never knew his father, so he had nowhere to go, and no other choice. Fish had folks selling for him on every corner in the neighborhood. I still vividly remember walking home from school as a little girl traveling past his drug spot. There were only two types of people inside there with him: those making him money and those who owed him money. You didn't want to owe Fish money. Hearing those people scream from inside sent chills up my spine. He was known for his sadistic and merciless killings. That man had a rap sheet longer than my body length, as well as thugs all around the city reporting to him. Fish was not to be fucked with.
"Nah, not me. That nigga Jai fucked everything up.."
"How?"
"He was with me. He was supposed to help me deliver the goods, and he shot him. Jai shot King." He slumped down on the sofa.
I couldn't speak. King was Fish's younger brother. They practically raised each other after they lost their mom. King was just as sick as Fish. Losing his brother meant the entire community would be in shambles until justice was served. The thought of so much bloodshed made me shudder. "Why would Jai do that? What happened?" I pressed the tips of my fingers against my temple. I could feel a tight grip growing in my chest, and a pain in my stomach. His fear was clearly warranted at this point. Those two were some of the most powerful, and dangerous beings in the city. "Man, you asking questions I need answers to myself. Shit wasn't supposed to go down like that." He rubbed his face in his hands. The fear in his brown eyes made me sad. I sighed, and sat down next to him on the sofa.
"He's gonna come looking for you." I said carefully. He nodded his head carelessly.
"Yeah, I know." I paused.
"He won't find you here." He looked at me as if I told him the sky was purple.
"Listen to me, Jo. This is temporary. You can't hide out here forever. I can't have this craziness around me. I left for a reason."
"Thank you, 'Nini, for real." I heard the relief in the sigh he let out.
Hearing his old nickname for me brought on a reminiscent feeling. He stared at me the way he used to, and it made me turn away. Then, I thought that maybe this shit was a bad idea. Diving into the past was the last thing I wanted to do at two in the damn morning.
Not only did it remind me of old times, it soon brought me back to present times.
"I have a man." I blurted out.
His expression of relief quickly changed to shock and a bit of irritation. He tried to hide it quickly, but I noticed it already. "He has a key, so he drops in often. I don't know how I'm gonna explain this shit to him." I sighed, pressing the tips of my fingers to my temples again. A bad headache was coming, I just knew it. Derek completely slipped my mind in my decision making.
"I'll be respectful." It was something in that voice of his that let me know right then and there that this was not going to be easy. 
"I'm not playing, Jo. One slip-up and you gotta go. I can't deal with it." I tried to sound firm.
"Ight, I hear you."
"And I don't want no guns all around my house either. You gotta put that shit in the safe." He gave me a look that had "are you serious" written all over, and I shot back a look that screamed "if yo' ass wanna stay here."  His expression let me know he accepted the terms and conditions. He shook his head as he removed his weapon from his waist. He handed it to me, and after unloading it, I locked it up in my safe in the shoe closet.
I handed him a blanket as he made himself comfortable on the couch. The sound of his voice made me pause mid stride to the bedroom.
"Thank you."
"Yeah." I retreated to bed.
My brain refused to let me get an ounce of sleep that night. One question was buzzing through my head all night: why the fuck am I letting him stay in my house? Whenever I was stressed about work, Derek knew what to say to make me feel better. The only problem is Derek won't have anything positive to say about my ex-boyfriend staying at my house. I made up my mind to call him anyway. I picked up my phone and dialed his number. No answer.
I sighed. I needed him to answer. I needed to find a way to explain Jo's presence. I just didn't know how the hell I was gonna do that. In the midst of my thinking, another meticulous date crept its way into my mind. April 16th. That was the day I decided that I needed to change some things. I needed to clean house. April 16th was the day I almost lost my life over drugs. Drugs, I thought. What a senseless, stupid thing to lose your life over. After seeing Jo struggling to make things work for himself, I stupidly decided to help him sell drugs. I didn't plan on helping him forever. I just wanted to help him make enough just until he graduated school and could get a full time job, but he seemed to want to turn his hobby into a career.
"You can't do this forever." I told him one night in March as we sat in his car outside of my house. He stopped counting his money and looked up at me.
"What you mean?"
"I mean exactly what I said. Graduation will be here before you know it. Have you even tried looking for any jobs?"
I heard him give an exasperated sigh. "You know I have. It ain't nothing out here for me."
"That's bull and you know it." I told him. He gave me a look that indicated he had no intention of going any further with the conversation.
"Alright, okay." I threw my hands up in defeat as I got out of the car.
"I'll see you tomorrow." He said.
"Yeah." I gave him a quick kiss and hurried to the front door. When I got inside, I peeped through the window and watched as he drove away. I watched him travel to the top of the block and disappear around the corner. I sighed and shook my head.
"Trouble in paradise?"
I spun around to find my grandma perched on the sofa with a book in hand and a cup of tea at her side.
"Nope. Things are perfect," I bit my lip. She always knew when I was lying.
She chuckled. "Girl, you know you can't fool Miss Emma. You've never been able to."
She was right. I always got busted for lying since the day I could talk. What can I say? It's just not in me.
"I don't know what to do about Jo." I confessed as I slumped down next to her on the sofa. It's like he's lost his drive and his ambition. We used to be on the same page, but lately, I don't know. It's like we want different things, you know?"
"Oh, yes. People change, and people grow. People come, and people go." She smiled at her clever rhyme. "In life, you will meet people, and you'll have a plan for the both of your lives, and things change. A lot of people grow apart. It's just how it goes. All you can do is accept it and keep going."
I sighed. "I'm worried for him. I don't think he's making the right choice."
"What choice exactly is that? What's going on with Jo?"
"He's not focusing on school. His grades are slipping, and it's like he's forgotten about graduation." I didn't want to tell my grandmother that my boyfriend was selling drugs. That wasn't exactly a great selling point.
"Well, baby, like I said: people change." She finished her tea and closed the book as she got up. "Good night, baby." She kissed me on my forehead and headed for the steps.
I sat by myself downstairs for a while before I climbed the steps to bed myself. Her words resonated through me. "People change, and people grow. People come, and people go." I wanted Jo to stay so badly. I didn't want him to change. I didn't want him to leave, and I didn't want to leave him. Suddenly, the thought came to me. Maybe if I help him carry his weight, it'll give him more room for school and more important things in life. I went to sleep with my new resolution heavy on my mind that night. For the next few weeks to come, I helped Jo with every money move he made. At first, he was hesitant about letting me assist him, but I wouldn't let him keep telling me no, and eventually he trusted me to start delivering the goods myself. I never felt right about doing it, but it was for the love of my life. April came quickly, and Jo's grades were improving while mine were slowly headed for the average mark. April arrived quickly, and he even started applying to colleges. He took the SAT and scored exceptionally.
"I know what you been tryna do, Anita," he said one day. "You can't carry my weight for me."
"I'm not." I turned away.
"You've never been a good liar," he continued. "You been skipping class because of me. I want you to stop. I got this." He said in his serious tone. I knew he was right. I was still worried about how he'd get along in school without me to help him.
The fateful day of April 16th came. Jo had one last play to make for the day.
"Just let me take care of this one. I got this, really I do." he sighed, and paused before he spoke. "Okay. Omar waiting for you at the end of the block next to the B building. He got on a bright yellow hoodie. You can't miss him. He's gonna be with you when dude pull up with the cash.'
"I got it." I said as I reached for keys. Jo held them from me, and gave me a kiss. It was one of those kisses that made me tingle with excitement. I broke the kiss and grabbed his keys. "I'll be back."
I pressed the gas a little more. I was more nervous than usual for some reason. I just had a bad feeling I couldn't shake, but I was so close. I turned the corner, and a thin figure draped in yellow appeared. It was him. He was standing outside of the car waiting for me. I pulled up next to him.
"Wassup?" He said.
"Hi." I responded. I was in a hurry.
"Dude should be here any minute now." He said, shoving his hands in his pockets and leaning back against the car. Seeing his calm demeanor, I relaxed a little myself. I heard him chuckle. "Jo got his girl running plays for him now?"
"How about you mind the business that pays you, Omar." I shot back while surveying the street, looking for a car who could be our buyer.
Before we could exchange any other words, a series of loud bangs and pops came out of nowhere. I spotted the barrel of the gun poking out of the window of a black sedan just a few feet away from passing us. Freaking out, I dropped to my knees and ducked for cover. I dove behind the car nearby for protection. My heart was beating out my chest. I couldn't believe what was happening. Suddenly, the shots stopped and I heard rubber burning against the pavement in a quick escape. Soon after, I heard police sirens getting closer and closer. I felt a tight knot growing in my stomach at the thought of trouble with the law. 
"Omar.." Panicking, I searched the scene for Omar. His body just appeared in front of me, like it was right there the whole time and I just missed it. The bright red hole in his abdomen became clear to me. His eyes locked on mine briefly before I saw the life go out of them. "No. No, no, Omar..." He was dead. A simple job went so fucking wrong.

On the ride back, I didn't cry. I just screamed. I screamed and wailed until I was hoarse. I couldn't believe what the fuck I just witnessed. I was disgusted at how stupid I was. The amount of things I witnessed that I knew came with the game, and it took watching Omar bleed out on that pavement for me to finally realize how never realized how serious this shit was. Omar and I had known each other since elementary school, but we weren't as close as Jo was to him. That could have been me. Omar could've been the one watching me bleed to death. Police could've been tipped off somehow and pulled up in the middle of the transaction, and I could have been sharing a cell with some unscrupulous individual for years to come, and I would have had no one to blame but myself. How stupid was I? I put my life and my freedom on the line for a guy. I stormed into the apartment Jo shared with Jai to find Jo sitting around the table with a book laid out in front of him.
"Anita..." he started to say.
"I'm done with this shit, Job, do you hear me? Done! This is stupid! You don't need to be doing this anymore!" I was hysterical.
"What the fuck? What's wrong? What happened?"
His voice went away when his eyes spotted the blood on my shirt.
"Anita, what happened?" He asked.
"Omar's dead." I sobbed.
He stared at me as if I was speaking a different language.
"What did you say?"
"Omar is dead, Job."
He sat back down in his chair and tried to process things.
"They shot him."
"Who shot him?"
"Someone drove past and just killed him, I don't know who.." I buried my face in the palms of my hands. Saying it out loud made it real.
Minutes passed before I was able to somewhat collect myself.
"This was an attack. Somebody set Omar up." Jo broke the silence.
I looked up at him. I already knew what he was thinking.
"I'm going after them." He proclaimed, still staring in disbelief.
"No, you're not." I said.
He ignored me.
He sat back and huffed. "On everything, they dead."
I rose to my feet in a fury and stood over him.
"Do you think that's gonna make things better? Do you?!" I screamed.
He stared at me incredulously.
"This stops here. You need to stop this, Jo."
"That's not an option." He quickly stated.
I laughed in disbelief as I studied his face. I studied him from head to toe. I studied his demeanor. I didn't recognize him. He wasn't my Jo. He was a stranger. My Jo was long gone. This new money hungry Jo took over, and he obliterated everything that was left of the old Jo, including his common sense.
"Fine. If this is what you're gonna do, if you're gonna put your life on the line like this, I am done. I can't be with you no more if you don't stop this. I won't." The words fell out before I could think, before I could take them back, but I didn't want to take them back. I meant it all. I was done putting my life on the line. He was speechless, searching for something to say. He stared at me and thought for a moment. "Okay. If that's what you want."
"So you'll stop?"
"No."
"What?"
"I can't stop. You know that." I could hear irritation growing in his voice. I was dumbfounded. This nigga was really serious. He could see the look of disappointment mixed with anger on my face. "I gotta eat. I gotta live, and you know that. Why you doing this shit now?" He huffed.
He was really choosing some fucking drugs over me.
"Because I didn't realize how fucking stupid this is until I just watched Omar die! You can get a damn 9 to 5 like any fucking body out here. You think you better than to do that? It's honest work, but no, you wanna throw your life away." I was getting hysterical again.
"Anita, please calm down. I already said I'm not stopping. Do what you gotta do. I'll respect whatever decision you make." He said as he clasped his hands and stood solidly before me.
I laughed in disbelief. "I guess it's nothing left to talk about." He shrugged his shoulders and stared at me solemnly. I shook my head as I walked out the door, trying to breathe and collect myself. It was stupid of me to think I could help him like this. I can still feel the heat of the tears as they rolled down my cheeks as I made my way home. I thought I had erased the memory of that time from my mind completely, but it was as vivid in my mind like it just happened yesterday. I put it out of my mind once again, and turned away from the bright moonlight shining into my bedroom. I closed my eyes, resolving to get some sleep once and for all.