For the Better

Chapter 3

Work wasn't going good at all. I was worried for Jo. Derek was mad as hell, and I couldn't blame him. I still hadn't offered a reasonable explanation as to why Jo was staying in my home. "So you used to fuck with this dude? Why can't he find somewhere else to stay? What the hell he get himself into? Why the fuck did you say yes? You couldn't discuss it with me first? You had to holler off and say yes?" He asked every question I was desperately searching for an answer for myself. "I'm sorry," was all I could offer at that moment. I couldn't figure out the answer to all his questions. I shut the door and led him to sit down.
"God, baby I'm sorry. I tried to call you last night and explain. The reason I said yes is because he was always there for me, no matter what terms we were on. I feel like I kinda owe him, you know?" He calmed down a little, and spoke slowly.
"Guys like that only want to use you when it's convenient for them. They'll try to make you feel guilty. It's their game." he insisted.
"I already told him this is temporary. He just needs a few days to get himself together." Derek sighed and looked at me.
"Okay. I trust you." he finally said. I smiled, and gave him a kiss.
"I'll see you later?" He asked as he headed for the door.
"Of course." I gave him another smile as I sat behind my desk.
"OK." Out he went, and in came Tosha to take his place.
"Why, hello there, Mrs. Murray." She said playfully as she closed the door. I sat back in my chair.
"Girl, I was about to permanently become lonely old Ms. Wynn this morning." I sighed. "Berdman's temporarily handling all policy amendments per Mr. Murphy's request, so I've got a bit of free time on my hands." She sighed as she pulled up a chair. "What happened?"
"My ex boyfriend happened. He showed up in the middle of the night last night, looking for a place to stay. Something bad happened."
"Did he say what?"
I shook my head.
"Man, Tosha, I haven't seen him since I left that place."
"What did Derek have to say about it?"
"What do you think? Girl, he was furious. I didn't even get the chance to explain things. He met him this morning when he brought me coffee."
Tosha shook her head. "You know, people from your past, they'll show up out the blue and try to instill this guilt in you because of their own failures. They'll try to use you. You better be careful. You know I trust your judgement, but I don't like the sound of this guy."
I quickly brushed a few curls back from my forehead. "You don't understand, Tosha. I've known this man damn near his whole life. Other than his occasional stubborn jackass behavior, he's a good person." It sounded like I was trying to convince myself more than her.
"Alright, girl. Just be careful. I'd hate to see you hurt, that's all I'm saying." She quickly changed the subject, not wanting to upset me. I stared blankly into space as she rattled on about her relationship with her on-again/off-again boyfriend, Trip. She'd been talking about this damn Trip since the day I met her, but I've never met him. They were always "off" when she asked him to meet her friends and family. I loved Tosha, but she wasn't exactly a model person for relationship advice.
"Anyway, Seagrill for lunch?" She started to get up.
"Yeah, girl. Your treat?" I smirked.
"I got yo' treat." She exited my office and left me to my troubling thoughts.
I sat back in my chair and rubbed my temples. I had less than hours to get the remaining policies completed and turned in, and my brain was not in work mode today. I glanced over at my coffee mug that my grandmother bought me for my first day at work. It was similar to the one she used to drink out of every morning when I lived with her. She loved that mug. Hers was pink, and mine was blue, my favorite color. It was the color of my old bedspread and my prom dress. I closed my eyes and thought back to prom night.
Jo was late, as usual. What else would you expect dealing with black folks? It was a good thing he was late though, because my makeup took me way longer than I thought it would, but it was beat to perfection. My grandma had begun sewing my dress four days prior. She presented me with the finished product just 20 minutes before prom was set to start. It was the most beautiful dress I had ever laid my eyes on. I threw my arms around her, thanking her endlessly. "Your welcome, sweet girl," she laughed. "I just knew you'd love it. You are gonna look so beautiful tonight." I threw it on quickly, but I must have stood in the mirror for an eternity. My grandmother knocked on the door with my grandfather's old camera. She must've snapped so many pictures that night.
"I got something here for you, baby girl." She held out a faded, but gorgeous blue shawl. I admired it briefly, and then I realized it looked familiar. I had seen it in pictures, wrapped around my mother.
"Grandma, I can't. I don't wanna ruin it.."
"I know you won't."    
She wrapped it around me. It went with the dress so well. "This was hers, you know? She saved it just for you. She wanted you to wear it to your prom." My grandma admired it in the mirror, and it brought tears to her eyes. I held back a sigh. I couldn't tell her I wouldn't wear it and break her heart. Her daughter already broke her heart by doing crack. I wouldn't break it any more. I secured it around me and gave her a smile.
"You look so beautiful." She smiled through her tears.
We heard a knock at the door, and she went to answer it. It was Jo. I could hear his faint voice conversing with my grandmother's. I joined them at the bottom of the stairs, but not before showing off my little slow strut. I had practiced my stair strut all week with tablecloths. My grandma grinned at my improvement. I looked at Jo. He was admiring me from head to toe.
"Hey." I gave him a smile.
"Hey back." He bit his lip, and I could feel myself going crazy inside. We were head over heels for each other.
"Go on, now. Y'all running late. 'Nita, be home by 1, now. Be safe. I love you, baby. Have fun." My grandma ushered us to the door. "Thank you, grandma. I love you." I turned and hugged her.
Prom was in the cafeteria at our school. It wasn't big and fancy, but it was enough for us in those days. It was exciting to see friends dolled up, looking nice. Everyone was friends with everyone, so everyone was having fun. I wasn't much of a dancer. Neither was Jo. So, the entire evening, we were planted at a table, admiring each other. My baby was looking so sexy in his suit with his fresh cut. "I got to thank your grandma for this dress." He said as he reached for my booty. Our flirting was interrupted.
"ANITA!" someone from the dance crowd bellowed. The person vigorously pushed their way through the crowd and revealed themselves. It was my mother. She looked awful. Immediately, I stood up. The science teacher tried to grab her arm. "Ma'am, you cannot be here."
"Take your hands off me, bitch!" The teacher went flying to the ground. My mother struck her, then turned to face me, getting closer and closer. Her gray sweats brought on a foul smell that made me gag. My mother turned to face me. The music had stopped, and everyone was. She took a step towards me.  "I haven't seen you in damn near five years. I wanted to see you." She stated coldly. She was glaring at me as though she was staring through me.
"You look like a fuckin' princess." She hollered. I couldn't speak. I couldn't process any words. Her guttural laugh disturbed me. It sounded like it belonged to the devil himself. I just stared at her in disbelief. I could smell her from where I was standing. She hadn't showered in weeks. Her hair was a nappy, untouched mess. Her smile was big, but it didn't take the attention away from everything else. She clasped her palms together and cackled as she walked towards me.
"They keep tryna keep you away from me, baby, we have to leave now. Nobody gon' keep me away from my child!" She went on like a mad person. Ms. Butts, the assistant principal, rushed over with the school resource officer to the scene. She looked at my mother, then at me, then turned to my mother. "Ma'am, you need to leave the premises right now."
"No!" My mother bellowed as she lunged at Ms. Butts. The officer attempted to handcuff her, and they fought until they all fell to the ground. Backup was called, and soon, my mother was being hauled out in cuffs. Everyone stared at her and me in shock. I could hear the whispers. It was truly fucking mortifying. She wouldn't stop screaming my name as they carried her out. Ms. Butts awkwardly pulled me to the side.
"Is everything okay at home?"
"Yeah, everything's fine. I live with my grandmother. I don't live with her." I didn't look at her. I knew she pitied me, and that really pissed me off. I didn't need her bougie ass feeling sorry for me.
"Well, if you ever need anything, Anita-"
"Thanks." I nodded and quickly walked outside. I heard her call after me, but I didn't stop. I kept walking. I needed to get out of there. I heard Jo's thudding footsteps closing in behind me.
'Baby, wait, stop. Are you okay?" He held my shoulders.
I turned to face him. "Take me home, please."
"Okay." He led me to the car.
I didn't say a word the whole ride. I was too embarrassed. He knew I didn't deal with my parents, but I never went into detail as to why. Now he knew my story. He probably thought he was dating a crack baby. I was so pissed off that she really embarrassed me in front of the whole school like that.
"Here we are."
He pulled up in front of my porch. I made it through the whole ride without crying, but these damn tears wouldn't give up. I hung my head to hide my tears, and before I knew it, he was holding me while I was sobbing. "Stop, baby, don't cry." I couldn't help it. I never actually cried over my mother. I was never much of a crier. I just pushed all those feelings away, but tonight, the problem stood right in my face and humiliated me in front of my peers. My grandma waited at the door for me. I told her I didn't feel like talking about it as I walked in. Jo trailed a few feet behind me to tell her everything. I climbed the stairs wearily to my room, and I didn't come out for two days. That night, I decided that woman wasn't my mother. My mother was long gone.
My grandmother came in to check on me every couple hours or so, pleading with me to get out of the house. "You don't want to follow me to the grocery store, baby?" I didn't want to upset her, but I couldn't bring myself to go with her. I didn't want people staring at us. I made up my mind to sell my dress in the future. I had planned on keeping it for my future daughter, but after that night, I just wanted it out of my fucking sight. It was just a painful reminder. I saved the shawl, however. I figured it was easier to hold on to the shawl because it used to belong to her before she got addicted. She ruined herself, and I had the shawl to prove it. It was almost like holding her actions over her head. It made sense to me in my healing. The clock striking noon soon brought me back to work. I sat up straight in my chair, determined to complete the paperwork in a timely manner.   
My shoes were already halfway off my feet as I stepped through the threshold to my living room. Jo was perched on the couch, waiting for me.
"Hey, working girl," he jeered.
"Hey, pharmacist," I sneered.
He laughed out of spite. "See, you ain't even have to go there."
"Yeah, whatever. What were you up to today?"
"Went to see Ben."
I looked up at him. His words caught me by surprise.
"How'd that go?"
"How you think?"
"Mmmh..."
I decided not to ask any more questions about that. I turned my back to him to take off my jacket. I caught him watching me out the side of my eye.
"So your lil' boyfriend helped get you that job?
Nigga had some damn nerve. "No, I worked my ass off to get that job," I scoffed. I turned my back to him to hang up my jacket.
"Must be nice to have those abilities. My preferred line of work is a little more risky for most."
I spun back around to face him. "Don't give me that shit. You could've did some things different, and you know it, Jo." He rolled his eyes. "I wasn't afforded the same courtesy as you. I wasn't able to go to school and make something of myself like you, Anita." He sounded irritated. I shook my head in disbelief and scoffed. "Wow." I headed towards the fridge.
"Wow, what? 'Nita, damn." He said.
I grabbed a water bottle from the fridge. "So you really gon' sit up here in my face and lie like that?"
"Who's lying?"
"You nigga!" We hadn't argued like this in years.
"I'm not the one who up and left her man the first chance she got. See, I knew you wasn't solid from the jump." I threw my arms above my head in exasperation.
"I'm not solid because I decided I ain't wanna bust my ass, selling drugs on a corner for the rest of my days, Jo? Really?"
"Nah, you wasn't solid because you ain't stand by your man. Did you ever stop to think that maybe I needed you to be there for me, Anita? I couldn't have done none of that school shit on my own." He said coldly.
Now I was pissed. "I would've helped you, and I told you that. I was there for you, and you know that, damn it! You know how ignorant you sound?"
"Well, if I'm so fucking ignorant, I don't need to be staying here, right?"
"I guess the fuck not."
He looked at me like I slapped him. He sucked his teeth.
"You know what, man.." He retreated to the living room as he muttered under his breath. "I'll be gone by the time you wake up," He said.
I turned to the bedroom, and I stopped mid-stride and turned back to him. "The man I knew and loved years ago would've never let his stupid pride make an ass of him the way you doing now. I don't know when you got to be so hard headed." I walked off and slammed the door behind me.
A cold silence haunted the apartment that night. I turned over to look at the clock. 3:07 am. I turned back and let out a deep sigh as I clutched my favorite pillow for comfort. As much as it killed me inside, I had to admit I was worried for Jo. He knew damn well he didn't know where else to go. Most women would take pride in that, knowing that they have that type of power over a man, but it scared me. I saw the path he was going down, and it was full of nothing good. I never wanted anything like that for him. I couldn't have cared less how we left off. I wanted him to be okay.
I overslept and woke up an hour late in the morning. I grabbed my phone and peered at the screen. No new notifications. I called Derek. No answer. He never let me oversleep. I groaned at the possibility that he might still be upset about Jo. Derek was the type to act like he was completely over something, then turn around and act otherwise. When I headed into the kitchen, I peered into the living room, and spotted his bag packed and ready to go. He appeared from the restroom. "Morning." I spoke as I poured my coffee.
"Morning. I'm leaving right now." He reached for his bag as he spoke. There was that voice again. It was something about it. The fear, the worry, the doubt, whatever it was, I could sense it. He was scared, but the Jo I knew would've devoured a pinecone before he admitted he was scared. He gave me a nod, and headed for the door.
"Wait."
He stopped in his tracks, and turned to face me.
"You can stay, cause I know you ain't got nowhere else to go." I spoke without looking at him.
He sighed before he spoke. "Anita..." his voice trailed off.
"I ain't forcing you to stay, now," I paused, "but you're welcome to." He smiled at me. I grabbed my bag and headed for the door. I stopped in the doorway.
"Get them damn shoes off my carpet." I said in my best grandma voice. It was her biggest pet peeve, and it grew to be mine too.
"Anita," He called just as I was about to close the door. I looked back at him.
"Thank you."
His smile took me back to the Christmas day of 1997. I was 16, and we had been dating for almost a year. We had a big fight the day before about something so stupid. I couldn't even remember what we were arguing about, but it was bad. I cried all night the night before. I thought we were over, until he was standing on my porch the next morning with a big box topped off with a bow.
"This is for you." He handed it to me.
I hesitated, trying to figure out if it was a trick, but he was serious.
"Hey, Job, how are you, son?" My grandma came up behind me to greet him.
"Hi, Miss Emma. I'm doing well, how about yourself?" he flashed his winning, future grandson in law smile at her.
"I am just fine. Merry Christmas. Would you like to come in?"
"Sure, I'd love to, if it's alright with Anita." he looked at me with those puppy eyes, and I couldn't say no. I could roll my eyes, though.
"Come on." I said. My grandmother started on Christmas dinner, while Jo and I sat around the dining room table. He grabbed my hand and held it in his.
"I'm sorry about last night, baby. Let's stop arguing. It's Christmas. I'd rather say sorry than lose the girl of my dreams."
I sighed. "I'm sorry, too, babe. I love you." He leaned in for a kiss. I knew right then and there that he was the love of my life, the one I'd never forget, the one that would have a piece of my heart forever.
"Open your gift," he said. I tore the wrapping paper apart, and removed the top on the box. I gasped, and cupped my hands over my mouth. I looked from the box to him. He was grinning like a baby. It was the most gorgeous fur coat. I had my eyes on it for weeks, but it was so expensive that I eventually gave up on it. I couldn't ask my grandma to spend that much money on me.
"You didn't! How did you even know I wanted.." My grandma stood a few feet away watching us, laughing with glee. "Your grandma might have given me the idea." he smiled coyly. I looked at both of them, cheesing like a fool. "Thank you, grandma." I smiled at her.
"Oh, all I did was give him the idea, baby. Thank him." She kissed the top of my head before she went back to cooking
"I was just about to." I reached for his hand and held it in mine as I leaned in for a kiss.
"I love you," I looked in his eyes.
"I love you more, mama."
Back in those days, we didn't have much, but we had what we needed, and that was enough for me. The man he used to be full of light and promise. He had a unique way of looking at the world and all it had to offer, but this lost, angry man sitting in front of me looking for the next move wasn't the Job I knew. That Job was long gone.
"Don't mention it." I responded before I headed to work.