Winning Is The New Losing

Some Days He Feels Like Dying, She Gets So Sick Of Crying

    I Woke at 10:45. I was feeling depressed, because today was my birthday. My head was feeling much better though. I rolled over to see Billie on his side with his back facing me. I sat up a little and saw the paper he had been writing on. It was slightly scrunched but I saw a little writing on it. I turned my head slightly and read: 

You found your home in all your scars and ammunition. You made your bed in salad days amongst the ruins, ashes to ashes of our youth.  She smashed her knuckles into winter, as autumn fades into black. She is the saint of all the sinners, the one that’s falling through the cracks.

Before I could read the rest he moved knocking the paper in the floor with the pencil. I quickly lay back down and he yawned. He rubbed his eyes and looked at the clock then me. “Ah fuck!” He quickly sat up. I looked at him with a scrunched face. “I mean, haha, good morning beautiful!”

“Uh, yea good morning to you too.”  He smiled, and got out of bed. He leaned toward me.

“Your head feel ok?”                                                                                                                                

“Yea, are you ok?” He smiled and put his shirt on.

 “Yeah yeah, I’m good. Um so listen I have to go do something with the boys; I’ll be back in about two hours or so. Can you do me a huge favor?” He said searching for jeans. He found some and hopped around trying to put them on. I just laughed.

“What is it?” he buttoned his pants and pulled some socks out of a bag.

“Uh just don’t come out of this room till I get back and come in to get you.” I looked at him confused. “Please?”

“Why?” he leaned back over the bed with his face in front of mine.

“Just trust me.”

“Alright.” I rolled my eyes, and smiled.

“Thanks sweets.” He kissed my cheek, and snatched the paper from the floor shoving it into his pocket. He put on his jacket and opened the door to step into the living room. He peaked back in. “Remember don’t leave this room.” He pointed his finger down into the bedroom. “By the time you take a bath and stuff I’ll be back.”

“Ok” I said smiling. He shut the door then left.

    I gathered some clothes and ran some bathwater. I got in and soaked a bit before washing. I wish I had my phone. I wonder if Leon has called it over and over looking for me or texted me to tell me happy birthday. I’m sure now, me, Claire, and Leon would all be at 7-11 with free slushy’s planning out what to do for a birthday dinner. I felt like I wanted to cry. I was getting so sad. I wonder where she even is or if she’s even still alive. I started to cry a little but I just laid there staring at my toes sticking out of the water. I was getting more depressed, and then I saw Billie’s pocket knife on the edge of the sink. He must have left it there when he took a shower the other morning. I sat up and grabbed it flicking it open exposing the blade. The shiny metal flashed in the light as I looked over it. I could just end it all now. My parents died on my birthday so why couldn’t I? I sniffled some more and raised my wrist from the water. I started remembering all the horrible things my aunt ever said. I laid the tip of the blade gently on my wrist. I remembered Claire being taken away and the possibility of her lying dead in a room. I pushed down a little. I rubbed my thumb over the plastic part tightening my grip preparing to make one long slash down my arm, then I noticed something. I moved my thumb. BJA. I stared at it then rubbed my thumb over the engraving. I lowered my head and shook it then lowered my arm. I closed the blade and set it beside the soap bar. Why didn’t I do it? Am I just a huge chicken? I’m going to die anyways so why not take my own life before someone else? Because I’m not weak, I'm not giving up just yet. I’m going to find Claire and we’ll be out of here by Saturday. I took my rag and wiped my face. I finished bathing then got out and got ready. I fixed my hair and sat on the edge of the bed. I heard the door open and what sounded like Tre’s voice. Oh dear god. I started to feel anxiety, until I heard Billie’s voice. They were mumbling.