Ocean Breeze

21-Keegan

Ryan and I spent every second of the next month together. Our days were filled with laughs and a whole lot of love. From relaxing in the sun, to our weekly dinners at the cantina, to making love, we cherished every moment together.

She had grown weaker and weaker day by day but she kept her spirits up for me. My heart hurt seeing her in pain. I had started painting again. Ryan had set up and easel and paint cart up on the deck for me and I spent the afternoons painting while she napped in the hammock. As much as she loved art she couldn't do it anymore. The last picture she painted was of me in the Villa. She had insisted we hang it above the fireplace that way she could still "check my fine ass out" even if I was in another room. She was always so playful and free despite everything.

I had only made one trip back into the city to gather a few of my things. John wasn't home but there had been divorce papers laying on the kitchen counter. He hadn't sent them yet but I signed them anyway, letting him know it really was over. I made a stop by my classroom to clear out a few things. I cleaned out the desk drawers and remembered the envelope that had been in the bottom drawer. I forced the drawer open and took the envelope with me. I wanted to get home to Ryan before dark and decided to wait and open it later.

I turned in my resignation and apologized profusely to Principal Sanders for leaving without any notice. I stopped and spoke to Ashley telling her Ryan said hello. She gave me a hug for Ryan. I hurried out and got back on the road to Ryan.

That night when I got back Ryan was passed out in the hammock. I grabbed a beer and sat on the patio and opened the envelope.

To my replacement,

This room, these young adults, this art is now my gift to you. I only hope you can do them proud. There are a few things you should know. They don't always see the beauty or the point but if you just let them have fun most of them come around. Don't let this job over take you. When you leave here leave this all behind. Be free and create for yourself, remember why you loved art to begin with! Just a little advice from an old hag who let this place consume her for far too long. Most importantly keep an eye out for one very special student, Ryan Cooper. She is something else. She reminded me why I loved art and reminded me that life is so much more precious than we give it credit for. Don't ever tell her but she gave me the courage to walk away after twenty years. I wouldn't want her to carry that with her wondering if she did something wrong. She's such a free being and I let it rub off on me. She's also incredibly gifted. Her work is impeccable! To have such talent at such a young age is just astonishing. A talent the world will likely never get to appreciate. Enough of that, don't let these young creators down. Best wishes!

I folded the letter back up and slipped it into the envelope. I felt the tears running down my cheeks not even realizing I had started crying. Ryan affected everyone in such a beautiful way. Had I read the letter when I initially found it I probably wouldn't have thought twice before throwing it away. Now, I had found my love of art again, found true love, and felt so free and at peace. All of that, all of this, because of RyanCooper.

—-

Two weeks later, one morning in May Ryan had woken up and asked if we could spend the morning at the beach. I helped her pull on a t-shirt and we made our way down to the water's edge. The last week had been brutal on her. She spent most days in bed in too much pain to get out. She continued to joke and flirt and be all of things Ryan was but she was tired and hurting.

We sat down in the sand, her between my legs resting her back on my chest. I wrapped my arms around her feeling her holding on to me tightly. We sat that way in the quiet and calm for thirty minutes before either of us spoke.

She had turned her head to look at me and kissed me gently on the lips. I held her eyes with my own like I had done a million times now. "You know you don't have the same darkness in your eyes you did when first we met. It took me a long time to figure out it was pain, but it's not there anymore."

She smiled. Her breathing was heavy and seemed labored but I waited until she spoke. "That's because you took all my pain away. I told you, you're my heaven on earth, and there's no pain in heaven." She kissed me again wiping an escaped tear off my cheek. "I love you Keegan." She rested her head on my chest.

"I love you too Ryan." I swallowed down the lump trying not to let any more tears escape. She kissed me once more before turning into me and placing her head on my chest again. I knew it was time but I couldn't let her go. I didn't want to ever let her go. The tears streamed silently down my cheeks as her breathing got deeper and deeper. I knew this is where she wanted to be. She didn't want to slip away laying in bed or alone. She wanted to be here on the beach with me.

After several more minutes I spoke again. "It's okay Ryan. I'll be okay. I love you" I choked out and I felt her chest rise and fall one last time. I held on for dear life as she slipped away.

—-

Losing Ryan was like losing a piece of myself I could never get back. She had changed my life so much in just a few short months. She had given her parents instructions that the villa was to go to me once she was gone and I could do whatever I chose with it. Her parents had come into town for the funeral. Ryan didn't want anything fancy. Ashley came down from Georgia and a few relatives came for a small service. Ryan was cremated and her parents wanted me to have the ashes. They said Ryan had told them all about me and our love and they felt like she would want me have them. They gave me a note she had written for me "upon the event of her death". I knew Ryan wouldn't want to sit on a shelf in a can forever so I took her down to the water one early morning. I sat on the beach for hours with the unopened letter in my hand and the urn sitting next to me.

Once I worked up the courage I twisted the lid off the urn. I walked into the water until it was up to my knees. The lump in my throat hadn't subsided since I lost Ryan. I tried swallowing it down but it and the tears came anyway. I tilted the urn to the side and watched Ryan fall into the water and wash away. I collapsed onto my knees letting the waves crash into me as I cried.

I pulled myself out of the water and sat back down in the sand and opened her letter:

Keegan,

If you're reading this that must mean I'm gone, or someone totally fucked up and gave you this by mistake, oops! I don't want you to be sad. I know that's what everyone says and I know you will be, but I don't want it to last forever. I want you to recover from this. I want you to continue painting. I want you to follow your dreams and open a gallery like you said that first day we met, and I want you to find love again. Now I know you and I know you're probably thinking you won't love again but you have to. You deserve all the happiness in the world. I tried my best to give that to you. I love you with all my heart Keegan. You gave me the absolute best months of my life. Now you know I'm not exactly a pro at this sappy stuff but no matter where you are I want you to know I'm with you. I'm in the waves crashing on the shore, in the reflection of the moon on the water, in the sun that kisses your skin, I'm even in the sand that sticks to your ass on the beach. You gave me the world and I could never thank you enough for all the love and happiness you brought into my life. You're truly the best thing to ever happen to me.

With all my love,

Ryan.

I couldn't help but smile as I folded the letter and put it back in the envelope. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back soaking in everything around me. I could feel the sun kissing my skin, hear waves crashing the shore, and smell the ocean in the air. Ryan was right, I could feel her in everything around me. This was our home. I wasn't leaving this place. This is where I found and lost the love of my life. This is where I would spend the rest of my days breathing and soaking it all in reminiscing of all our days together. Maybe I could find a small shop in town and turn it into a gallery for all of mine and Ryan's works. I decided that no matter what I chose I would live out my dream just the way Ryan had. I would find it in myself to be happy again with only the memories of us. I would make Ryan proud and one day I would be in her arms again.

I tilted my head up towards the sky letting a smile form on my face as all of my surroundings felt amplified. "I love you" I whispered into the wind.