Apathy ▸▸ Kellic

Chapter Eight

The next morning I had not yet soon forgotten what went down the night before. The thoughts of Vic infatuated my mind, my actions, even my dreams. Or should I call them nightmares? I'm not sure because I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not.

I feel pathetic for crawling back to Vic so easily. It's just abnormal for someone to leave for three years and come back to find themselves in their ex's house kissing them by the front door. And what made it even unearthly was I felt nothing for Vic it seemed. There was no shows of admiration or love towards him. I fell out of love with Vic, yet the thought of him provoked me to kiss him. 

I thought about Oli a lot too, about how he was so nice when I got back. Was that just an act? It's hard to decipher because I told him where I was going. Maybe it was just an act because he was afraid if I kept it up I'd crawl back to Vic. But I couldn't do that to anyone. Hurting people was not my specialty. I really sucked at it in fact. Telling Oli the truth was going to hurt me in the end worse than it could ever hurt him. 

With a sigh, I flicked through the channels on my TV, as Oli sat on the chair adjacent to me on his phone. We had not yet talked and I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk or not. Sure, I was still a little upset with him, but I don't think he meant for his words to be taken so hard. Maybe I was overreacting, considering I ditched him and kissed another guy. My mind was sick.

I was sick. If anything I was mad at myself.

"Oli?" I finally spoke up, making eye contact with him for the first time in the day. 

"Yeah?" He replied, biting down on his lip. My mind raced as I contemplated on telling him about Vic and I.

There was a million reasons I should have told him flat out what happened and tried to at least renew our relationship, but there was even more reasons that I kept my mouth shut. The constant battle with my mind was unbearable.

"I'm sorry." I apologized. To him it was another apology for talking to Vic and for flipping out last night. But to me, this was an apology for breaking his heart.

His heart that was broken without him ever knowing it was.

--- -

The day drifted on as I dedicated it all to Oli. He apologized and we forgave each other about everything. Everything but for my biggest sin. I sighed against his chest as we cuddled on the couch and watched some movies. I wanted nothing more than to dedicate myself to him right now. I wanted to know if he was the one for me. This past couple days have been confusing. First I didn't say I loved him, we got into a fight, and then I kissed Vic. Now here we are, and I'm still deciphering if I was in love with Oli and if I liked the touch of Vic's lips on my own.

"Kiss me." I blurted out to Oli in the middle of an ad. Oli quirked his eyebrows.

"Why?" He questioned, so I wasted no time before placing his lips on mine. Slowly he kissed back, obviously confused as I was too. How could two kisses from two different people both feel the same? Was that good? It meant I still liked Oli, but it also meant I liked Vic. I sighed while pulling away. "Uhum." Oli mumbled.

"Sorry I just... Missed you." I lied again. "Yeah... I missed you." My mind tried to make me believe all of it's lies, but everything else inside of me was rejecting everything besides the truth. I cheated on Oli, I liked someone else. 

And there was nothing I could do about it besides try to think otherwise.

--- -

        Vic

My appointments throughout the day were a big blur. I thought about Kellin a lot. I thought about what happened last night. For three years all I ever longed to have was Kellin, and the second he's back everything is just... Different. I still like him, but it's just that he's changed sufficiently. I can tell he isn't as flirtatious as he was a few years back. He's in a committed relationship that's probably on edge because of me. 

The thought of texting him was very tempting, but I decided against it because who knew if Oli would see it or not. I didn't want to cause them to fight. The kind, gentle side of me said that I should be happy for Kellin and that I should hope for them to work things out. But the dark side of me was silently wishing they'd break up. I knew it was a slim chance I'd ever have a chance with Kellin now, but just the thought of trying made me feel better.

And then I begin to wander; What would've happened if I was in a relationship? What if we kissed when we both had partners? I had no clue if that even made a slight difference, but the thought of it was downright confusing. 

My feelings for Kellin were still sufficient, but my love for him was buried deep. No, I was not in love with Kellin. I was on the verge of falling in love with Kellin again, but I wasn't off the edge yet. It was like my love for him was right below the grass. If we kept in touch, the soil would be turned over and my love for him would be back in an instant.

Love is literally the most confusing thing. Sometimes I wish things would've been different. Sometimes I wish that Jaime and I's relationship would've lasted and that he wouldn't have gone in such a tragic way. Part of me misses him every day. He was so sweet and compassionate, and what did I do in return? I fell in love with a man I barely knew at the time. He never deserved that kind of pain. And now I was in his shoes.

I was experiencing someone I once loved falling in love with another man; One who is not me. A pain of jealousy hits my chest every time I think about Oli. He'll never understand how lucky he is until Kellin leaves him. I mean, not that he's going to. It's just a thought.

It just one of my many fucked up thoughts that are going to commit suicide to my brain someday.