Once Upon A Time ✓

bonus chapter | gabriel; wake

I REMEMBERED BACK when people used to discuss about suicide. Whether it was about this faceless student who committed the act, or for the psychology courses our high school offered. I hadn't given it two shits, because it wasn't something I went through, so it wasn't my problem, right?

Now, the world had flipped and wanting to die was the only thing that was ever in my mind.

I hated myself. I hated myself so much that the Oxford dictionary wouldn't even be able to find the words that would accurately describe the extent of my self-hatred.

Every breath I took hurt. Sometimes I would try to claw at my neck, trying to stop my breathing.

I was wasting the oxygen that people who actually deserved it needs. My whole existence was a waste, useless, worthless.

I didn't deserve to have been born.

Then there was Kaylee. She made me feel different, but different wasn't enough to chase away the demons. No matter how much I tried to suppress the voices, they always won over. And it was only when I was pushed all the way to the edge, that the only solution I could think of was death.

So I did what I needed to do. I pushed her away, in a lame attempt to save some of her feelings and time. I couldn't let her hurt more than she already was.

Every emotion of betrayal and hurt that flashes in Kaylee's alluring hazel eyes whenever I caught her watching me woefully, was a painful reminder of my inability to keep another happy.

I had been planning this for days, contemplating the cleanest, easiest method to leave. Eventually I decided that hanging would be the best idea. I spent hours scouring hardware shops for a good, thick rope and a way to tie it to the ceiling so that it won't fall with a small tug.

I thought that maybe if I severed my friendship with Kaylee, it'd be easier for her to move on. I kept reminding myself that this would make it less painful for her, but the mere idea of wanting to leave made my stomach churn thinking of her reaction.

Shut up Gabriel, this is for the better.

Was it normal for the suicidal to feel guilty about wanting to leave?

I sat on the frail roof of my aunt's little hut, my legs dangling off the edge. I took a long swig out of the liquor bottle by my side, throwing aside the empty bottle. I groggily stuck a lit cigarette between my lips, inhaling the swirling smoke deeply.

If anybody from school were to see me right now, they'd question my status as the golden boy.

Even Kaylee. While I liked to imagine her to be an empathetic, open-minded and non-judgemental person, she was a human after all. Every human has their own opinions about me and Kaylee was no different. Her opinion of me was probably "pfft, such a pathetic and weak golden boy our school has", anyway.

So I guess, here I was, a rope in hand, ready to tie it to the ceiling lights. My head was aching and my brain was fogged over, still high on the cigarettes. I attached the rope giddily and pulled on it to test its sturdiness, then knotted a noose on the loose end.

I knew that me leaving would temporarily pain everyone, but at least I wouldn't be around to hurt Kaylee, or anyone else for much longer. Mom wouldn't have to deal with a suicidal piece of shit she had as a son when she returns from the mental hospital. She was traumatized and troubled enough by her other children's deaths, she didn't need me to be more of a burden.