Compilation of One Shots

Violence

I don't know where to start or if I'm even able to tell it but I'll try, I will do my best to write everything.

Emotions, I don't want feeling those. It seems like a bubble that can either make you feel comfortable or make you feel lost.

I am not good with controlling mine as it always shows. Whenever I'm happy, I tend to smile unconsciously and whenever I'm blue, I always cry, not minding those people who can see those endless tears.

Today, I am mad. I'm purely mad with the way I am. I tried holding them back, not wanting to cause any harm.. but as what I stated, I am not the best one with controlling these messed up emotions. I threw everything away from me, I even uttered words that I would not say in my daily life. I tried crying since it was the only way for me to calm my mind but it's not helpful at all, it made me hate myself more.

Violence, I hate it the most. Oftentimes, I wonder why does the world have it and up until now, exists? I have experience a lot of it ever since I was young- me, being the bad daughter, a careless sister, a gal who has nothing to offer the world, it stayed with me. I felt like the whole universe conspired to beat me like a lost soul and that's the worst thing ever.

I also despise promises, violence starts with it. I promised myself not to make my favorite person cry not unless if the mere reason of it was joy- but again, me being myself, I did, I made her cry lonely tears and believe me when I say that I loathe my heart for that.

I became numb when she starts beating me; with her thoughtless words and destructive actions. I stared at the wall for a few moments, telling my mind to shut the hell up 'cause it's killing me already, it's making me feel the madness I've had within. The second thing I've done was the most depressing part for me, I listened to her voice as it tells "Kill yourself if you want to die!". It killed me already, why would someone you truly adore will say things they don't mean, or do they? Yet at the back of my freaking mind, I do what she told, I'm finding ways to die.

Damn, I don't like promises yet I made one for myself a year ago. You can't blame me, I just tried to get myself back together. I promised myself not to let experience violence that I, myself, will do but tonight was so harsh that I broke it. I wasted my life again and harmed my body.

Since my fingernails were long enough, I left scars on my skin using it, I dig deeper as I want to see some blood but all I can see was the redness of my skin due to some scratches. I went to our kitchen, finding some blade or any sharp things but to no avail, I can't find any. I then follow my imaginary angels, I needed to be calm. But damn it, these emotions are too powerful, they can't let me have a breather.

I am indeed a sinner for I followed my emotions. I saw an actual nail, it's not sharp at all but it can help, I started digging my skin with it. This time, I find it really satisfying. I didn't mind the tears, all I want now is death.

Water, I told myself, it will make me calm. I immediately run to our bathroom, I tend to drown these thoughts by letting my head down to the water for a minute or two. Again, demons pretended to be as emotions are powerful enough to tell my mind not to breathe and let me drown not just the thoughts but myself to take my life.

I saw my scars then, I stayed it in the water. How amazing that it can cover up the scars, it can make the redness invisible, it makes sense to me now. Water can make me feel like it's consoling me more than the lights. If only there's an ocean near me, I would probably, in a second, drown and let myself feel the calmness of it.

I know that some loved ones of mine can save me but I also know that there will be people that will just laugh and gagged me for feeling it. How about those who truly cared for me? they don't know what I am going through for I don't want to be a burden. Even the most special one told me to kill myself so I am telling nobody about what happened except this chapter of my shots. There can be a reader who can save my life but they will never know how. Words ain't perfect to heal me, no words can ever mend my dying soul.

I am now done crying yet I felt like I wanted more, I tried to kill myself for how many times already but why am I not still dying? Maybe because I deserved pain; the kind of pain that will lead you to life.

And death? Death is what I am having with my everyday life.

I've known emotions, violence, promises, demons, and death ever since and I think, I'm meant to keep those.