Lost in Japan

5th Step

"Too desperate to run away;
A wrong turn is a good idea."

—•—

"Hiro, are you sure about this? You know... story about change of hearts." Herris asked me with his worried face.

Until now, it's evident that he doesn't believe me that I'm serious about this.

Well, who would?

"Ris, I've never been sure until now." I answer him habang palinga-lingang tinitingnan ang paligid. I have to keep myself cool, or else I will find myself drag by this doubtful man away from this place.

Alam ko, my goal in this last minute chitchat is to convince him to agree with me. To give him... or myself assurance at least. Because, it will serve as a validation for me. Maybe, to pacify myself in some way.

"Seriously, just trust me on this." Sabi ko sa kanya. Sinadya ko talaga to sound playful and assuring at the same time.

Dapat pala talaga mag-isa na lang akong pumunta dito.

Harris still have his questioning look. Nakakunot din ang noo niya. Nakikita ko rin na hindi pa rin kumukupas ang awang nararamdaman niya para sa akin. Pero, hindi ako nagpaapekto. Nakakapagod kayang kaawaan. Kuta na ako. Sana sila rin. Sa totoo lang, may pag-aalangan din naman akong nararamdaman ngayon para sa sarili ko. Given naman 'yon. I don't know what will happen next. Nobody knows what's the future holds. But, maybe this change will result to something wanted. I'm hoping that fate will serve something good in my plate. Kuta na rin ako sa pagka-tricky niya. Kuta na ako sa lahat.

But for now, all I have to do is to wear my confidence like it is a suit made just for me. Like it's my second skin.
I know, kahit sino, kahit 'yung walang trust issue will surely be doubtful about this. But this isn't the time to have cold feet. Ito na 'yun. Wala nang atrasan. Mas better na 'to. I'm making something out of ashes. Parang malalagay ko na ang sarili ko in place. Hindi na ako basta mang-wo-whore around. Like what my conscience says. Tsaka, mahirap kayang makakuha ng chance for this job. Unbelievable pero totoo. No joke. Pero bakit kaya?

I turned back at him and give a assuring smile. Alam ko naman na against siya sa desisyon kong 'to. I appreciate him being like this. He really doesn't what me to get in trouble again. But, I made my mind already. It's expected that Harris will become this protective. Still doing his best to persuade me just like what networkers do. Pero, nakapag-decide na talaga. No one can change that.

"Look Hiro, I will talk to boss. Sure ako na bibigyan ka niya ng chance. He will consider. Your resignation letter will be invalid. Isa ka kaya sa mga ace employees niya. Hiro, pre—"

Before pa siya magsalita ng kung anu-ano, minabuti ko nang umalis. Hindi siya pwedeng pumasok sa loob,  pabor sa akin.

"Sige pre. I'll go ahead. Salamat sa paghatid." Sabi ko at kumaway sa kanya habang nakatalikod.

Tuluyan na akong pumasok at hindi na ako lumingon pa. Ayokong makita at maramdaman ulit na nakakaawa akong tao. Alam ko naman na ang pathetic ko ngayon, pero sa dinami-dami nang nasabukan kong sabi nilang makakatulong sa akin, ni-isa wala namang naging effective. Napagastos pa ako at wala akong napala. Nag-cooperate naman ako pero wala. Walang nagawa concealing at therapy. Kaya maybe this time, I should do it my way. Dapat ko nang harapin kung ano na ako ngayon— kung gaano na ako kadumi. Pangangatawanan ko na lang.

Mas mabuti na 'to. At least, ako mismo gumagamit sa sarili ko— kikita pa ako.

This is hilarious.

I am pathetic.

Nakakaawa nga talaga ako.

Tiningnan at binasa ko ulit ang email na natanggap ko five days ago. Laman ng email na ito ang address ng building na kinaruroonan ko ngayon, ang floor number ng office at ilang mga pre-face information like email and social media accounts ng kompanya na papasukan ko.

This is it.

Sumakay ako sa elevator. Napansin ko na puro lalaki ang kasabay ko. They doesn't look like full blooded japanese or should I say mga foreigners sila. I'm sure of that. I can't help to wonder why they're here. Ano kayang rason ba't gusto nilang magtrabaho rito? Are they here to try new things? Because of the high rate? Or they're just like me?

If I'm not mistaken, kagaya ko rin sila since they are holding the same brown envelope and having these nervous aura like mine. Bale pala, walo kaming applicants ngayon. Dapat pala nagsuot ako ng formal  instead na casual attire. I'm simply wearing v-neck plain white cotton shirt under this coat-like jacket, black denim jeans, and a pair of white shoes. Hindi naman ako mukhang naligaw dito. But I feel out of place. First time ko 'to. Kailangang mag-blend in hangga't maaari. But how can I? They're in a freaking total business attire. Tux and tie.

Shit.

I look underdressed.

Sana lang talaga hindi lang porma ang basihan nila ng self presentation.

Though, hindi naman ako naniniwalang first impression last, thus I know, it matters. I can dress myself better only if knew. Wala rin naman kasing nakalagay do'n sa email na kailangan pang corporate ang pormahan.

Pero naman kasi, who would thought that applying this job, formality is still needed. Seryoso ba 'to? Akala ko talaga ang mga makakasabayan ko, kagaya ko lang na basta lang. No need nang magmukhang propesyonal. Kasi for the record, far from being corporate naman ang magiging trabaho namin if we get ourselves hired in this company. Anak ng. I underestimated this company. God, this country never fails to surprise me. Japan nga naman.

Harris would definitely think I'm kidding when I tell him about these.

Nang makarating na kami sa sinasabing floor na nasa email, there's this attendant wearing business attire and he looks like a butler. Wow, what's wrong with these people?

The attendant introduced himself first. He told us that we can call him Mr. Orai, then he ask for our pass. Seems like mahigpit talaga ang secury nila rito. I've seen five cctv cameras ni nasa bungad pa nga lang kami ng lugar na 'to.

After Mr. Orai finished scanning our passes, he give us a signal to follow him.

Mukhang 'tong whole 38th floor ay sa kanila. Ang lawak. Ang gara. Mayaman nga talaga ang kompanyang 'to. I can say that. It's visible. From this place interior design, furnitures, to hanging vintage chandeliers. It screams success. Well, given naman ata. They're operating in one of the biggest industry here in Japan. Maraming competition. Pero what makes this company "elite"? Exceptional ba talaga ang service na napu-provide nila to be this well-established?

My silent peptalk with myself ended when I heard a familiar sound of a door being opened. I can't help myself but to feel amaze and confuse at the same time of what I'm seeing. A  white hall with black arm chairs with a pen and piece of paper on its rest.

Don't tell me?

"Please come in and occupy the seats. All of you will be taking an exam to determine if you really what we're looking for. Goodluck gentlemen."

What the actual fuck?

Nice.

Welcome Self.

Welcome to Japan's insane sex industry.